Gaslighting is confusing, hurtful and painful. The goal is to make you question your reality so your are under another person’s control. It doesn’t manifest solely from narcissistic sociopaths it can happen with a friend, lover or boss on a continuum of severity. On any level, gaslighting can be detected and prevented once you know what to look for.

It’s possible to get so worn down over time (this is the goal of gaslighting) that you are unable to see the dynamic that is happening. I’ve had two experiences with gaslighting that I can identify for sure and I was able to see them both early on. I’ll some of what occurs to illustrate what can happen.

It’s possible to get so worn down over time that you are unable to see the dynamic that is happening.

Gaslighting happens in phases. The first phase is usually a subtle jab that creates a feeling of surprise that leaves you wondering what just happened and a sense of non-sense. Since it doesn’t compute it leaves you feeling off balance. This is the state that primes you for the deeper levels of gaslighting - off balance.

The first instance was obvious. The man said he wanted to slap me in the face "kiddingly." I told him he was too rough. He said to me, "I'm not rough. I only get rough when I need to." That was pretty obvious. Not interested.

In the second instance I can remember I was having a nice, flirty conversation with a man I liked and we were warming up to each other. Suddenly out the the blue he said “You’re selfish.” It was so out of context that I could not respond and I was just left feeling like I was teetering. The way this gaslighting technique was introduced while on the surface may seem like it should have be noticeable the key ingredient was that the emotional setting had been set.

Another favorite technique is projection. Projection is when the person gaslighting or manipulating is doing something wrong or is hiding something and possibly feels guilty so they make it out that YOU are the one doing something wrong. They will make something up or use anything to avert attention away from themselves so you don’t begin to see evidence of what it is that they are doing and focus attention on yourself as the wrongdoer.

As an example, same person, was hiding the fact that he was leaving the country for work. For a long time. He used both gaslighting techniques we’ve talked about so far to wear me down until I was questioning myself to the point of whatever it was that I had been at fault actually got worse. Then I became the problem. Then he sprung the news on me. Talk about feeling off balanced!

But even moreso projection is ultimately the result of perfectionism. Had I known early on the truth about what this person had going on I could have handled it. But the person’s perfectionism prevented them from being upfront. Which is very ironic because perfectionism doesn’t seem to make anyone more perfect since that’s impossible. It just causes more problems.

Here are a few signs that can signal that you may be experiencing gaslighting:

1. You keep wondering if you are too sensitive

2. You're constantly apologizing to the person

3. You can sense something is gravely off or wrong, but you can never quite find the words or voice what it is, even to yourself.

4. You wonder if you are "good enough" in their eyes

The truth is even if you do have some faults, and we all do, it is never an excuse for someone else to manipulate or abuse you. If you are feeling any of these signs the best thing to do is to find someone you can trust to talk to. If you know you are being gaslighted you need to stand up to the person and if it won’t stop don’t be afraid to walk away. That is the wild card that you both hold. In their mind it is how long will she take it? They want to be able to keep it up long enough so that if you do walk away it will look like it’s because it was your fault.

But, keep these guidelines in mind. A relationship is built on mutual respect and if that is not the foundation and you know you have been manipulated no matter what mistakes you have made do not make the final twist of logic that they hope to leave you with.

Do not blame yourself

Move on in life with your dignity in tact and if you need help healing from the experience there is great power in that, not shame or blame.

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@soulsistashakti is a chillout and dance musical artist and writer based in NYC. You can check out my music on my FB artist page at https://www.facebook.com/soulsistashakti