Hi steemit, I signed up a while ago but wanted my first post to be an important one, so I am writing this to tell you about what it’s like to suffer with anxiety.

Lets start with, What is anxiety?

"Anxiety is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe. ... Their feelings of anxiety are more constant and can often affect their daily lives. Anxiety is the main symptom of several conditions, including: panic disorder.” - NHS

I have good days and bad days. I can’t explain why I have bad days. I just do. One minute I can be on top of the world and the next, I feel so down and upset. Everything worries me.

Today is a bad day. I recently got made redundant. I thankfully have a loving husband who can provide for us both, I thought ‘wonderful’, now’s my chance to focus on getting fit and healthy. I’m not a big person, just wanting to tone up and lose weight for that bikini body to die for. However, anxiety reared its ugly head today. It’s all about the ‘what ifs’.

What would I do if anything happened to my husband? He’s due to go away on business soon. I’m constantly thinking something bad might happen to him. I’d have lost the love of my life. I worry about where I would be. How could I survive? How can I afford to pay the bills? Would I end up homeless?
I have no family I could stay with. I’m starting to feel so alone. My friends all have babies and children. I wouldn’t be able to crash at their place while I try to sort my life out. I am even over thinking as I write this. What if I do tell people my thoughts, what if now I have aired it, it comes true! I feel sick.

I wake up in the middle of the night with all these thoughts running through my head. My blood pressure goes up, I feel my heart beat fast, I panic, I cry.

Nobody understands… very few know I suffer with anxiety, I try not to talk about it because it will always have a stigma attached. When you are feeling down and you try to talk about it you are forever told ‘there is nothing to worry about’, ‘there is always someone else worse off than you’. This doesn’t help! The worse one is ‘what’s wrong?’. There isn’t an answer for this because even I, myself doesn’t know what’s wrong. You don’t know why suddenly out of the blue you have these thoughts. Some times you wake up one day and you feel so down and have no emotions and you don’t know why you feel so down.

I hide behind my smiles, I hide behind the happy photos. I don’t want anyone to see me down because you know you will be told to ‘get over it’, ‘don’t be silly’. I try to come across at being confident and happy but deep down it’s just a front.

A couple of other examples of over thinking. My cat of whom I love dearly, that I’ve had for over 12 years, recently got diagnosed with a tumour. Before he had his operation all I could think about was how much I love him, would this be the last time I see him? Would I get a phone call to say he is no longer with us? He is not a pet, he is family!

One day I heard my neighbour constantly drilling into the wall. I was worried they would damage my wall. What if the wall came crashing down, what if my house cat would escape and I never see him again, what if they damaged something that caused an explosion and my house fell down to the ground.

These thoughts might sound silly to the outsider, but to me they are as much of a reality as settling in for the night and turning on the TV.

I wish it was as easy to switch my brain off. It’s exhausting for both me and the people around me.

All I know is in a few days time these thoughts would have passed and I will feel much better in myself and enjoy the people around me.