10.5 x 9 inches, drawing paper and pencil, 2014

I started seriously studying human anatomy back in 2014. For the longest time I avoided drawing people because I did not like or trust people. After I started vipassana meditation I had an insight my distrust and dislike of people was because I bought into my abusers conditioning me when I was a child. No one will love me because I'm a bad and ugly child. My distrust and loathing of humanity was directly related to how I loathed and did not trust myself. Now I like myself and I like people but I'm an introvert. I like being alone with my thoughts. It was difficult untangling myself from my aversion towards people and my love of being alone. I think I've found a healthy balance. I serve at retreats and help out at the American Legion and Rugby charity events.

I've been homeless with 2 children, the father of my 1st 2 children used pot to control his temper. He worked in the construction industry back in the late 70s and early 80s, which is notorious for crashing and leaving many workers without a job. My 1st mate had to smoke more and more pot to control his temper, as he was used and abused on the job. Construction workers even if they knew how to work heavy equipment were a dime a dozen.

I couldn't work because of my low skill-set at the time wouldn't of paid for childcare so we were stuck. My mates bad temper was becoming unmanageable and so was his dependence on pot. The only one who can manage your emotions is you, drugs can only mask them for so long and the energy builds up, bursting out in inappropriate ways. This is what I learned from my first mate. However, I had an even worse addiction because of my neglect and abuse I suffered as a child. I suffered from trauma bonding, which causes one to care for abusive people. I had to break this addiction and vipassana mediation worked for me. Drugs were of no help, I tried many given to me by allopathic doctors, in fact the psychiatric drugs and therapy were a fetter keeping me chained to my conditioning. I had tried antidepressants for my panic attacks they only masked my symptoms and my panic attacks worsened. The face Of addiction reminded me of how I felt during my homeless days with an addict and our two young children.

Thankfully with the help of my Buddhist teachers I won my freedom and my kids were able to see the process of healing trauma and facing ones addictions. I found help and a home and we were safe or so I thought. I still had a long way to go letting go of my addiction regarding caring for abusive addicts.

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