So, this morning I found myself at a too familiar place. A place that I don’t like to visit. A place that sort of just creeps up on me. I found myself depressed. Now for those of you that don’t know anything about depression let me just inform you that it’s not something that you can easily just “snap yourself” out of. Everyone has their own expressions or opinions about what it feels like, for me it just feels like I’m heavy. It feels like no matter what I do it’s difficult and all I want to do is nothing at all. This of course leads to feeling even more useless and because of the type of person I am, that really doesn’t sit well with me. I’m also stubborn and have never really appreciated being controlled by anything or anyone.
I should be on medication so that the ups and downs don’t hit me so hard. Problem is I just can’t bring myself to take them. I hated the way the pills made me feel. Sure, at times the feeling of being numb is a welcomed relief, but I just couldn’t handle the feeling that my mind was being controlled and changed artificially. I don’t want to have to go through my life feeling numb. Granted this is a very sensitive topic for me. I grew up with a mother who has battled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for years. In fact, in order for her to just get through the day she has a box with at least twenty different pills that she swallows each day. One for the anxiety, one so that she can sleep, one so that she can function, one so that she….. Each feeling and side effect is managed by taking more pills. I just didn’t want that for myself. I honestly don’t have anything against people who choose that option, I just couldn’t.
So, what do I do then? Well I allow myself to feel the way that I am feeling and I search high and low for something that can help pick me up a bit again. I think about what could be the reason and I pick it apart bit by bit and try to rationalize what it is that I am feeling. I also try to manage it by making sure I am supplementing with the correct vitamins and minerals, but that’s a post for another day. The other thing I like to do is try and find something uplifting, inspiring, happy, funny, sad or profound to read. I like to look to others for inspiration and grounding. Today I came across this quote and it really helped me pull myself up and feel a little less heavy and bit lighter. So, I thought I’d share it here so that it can maybe help someone else:
“When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.” – Julia Margaret Cameron
It helped me realize that I have lost my focus and stumbled back into a place where I’m allowing my worth to be decided by others. Now that I have uncovered this I can focus on getting back on track. I can focus on the fact that my worth is determined by me.
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😄
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