Having finally found a place worthy of this story, I'll write it for you now.
Last month I wrote a post about the birth of our twins, River and Simon. You can read it here if you care to. Having twins born prematurely was an event that rocked me to my core. But what happened on September 6th, 2016 actually physically broke my brain. I was already a nervous wreck from their birth and having them home on oxygen. We spent more time in NICU's and hospitals than we did in our home those first 4 months. I was terrified and paranoid that something was going to seriously injure them. Even as they grew and moved into toddler beds, I worried about the blankets and pillows. I was that mom. And still.....
When we moved from Colorado to Washington, our new home did not include window coverings. Some of our windows were rather large and we had to custom order shades. Now, we knew that window blind cords were a serious danger for children. We looked for affordable cordless options but there were none. Finally we decided to purchase the blinds with the cords, but we also purchased hardware to secure the cord out of reach. This method is touted online as being the safest way to easily childproof these cords. But it's not foolproof. As we soon learned.
You can probably already see the mistake we made. It's a common one and part of the reason I'm writing this story. Now, in the cover image, you can see a warning label. It clearly points out that you need to remember not to place furniture near the cord when tied up. Our warning label didn't state this. And we forgot. Notice where the couch is placed. Without even realizing it, I had put my babies in harms way. And I'm not the only one. I know I'm not alone. I've read the stories. I know the statistics. I also know that it's not my fault. We tried our best, but nothing can ever be 100% baby-proof. That being said, it was the biggest mistake of my life and I'll always regret it. I hope that by sharing our story here that I will be able to make peace with my regret and move on. I also hope that every parent who reads this will be vigilant and check their own window cords and make sure your babies (and pets!) are protected. Ok. Here we go...
September 6th, 2016
At the beginning of the year, I had a harebrained idea to start a food truck business. I love to bake, and the food truck scene here is very small, but it's getting more popular. @chackett and a buddy of his had spent every night after work and every weekend for months building me a food truck from scratch. We purchased an old 1970 Shasta 18' trailer and gutted it. When she was all done, it was magic. In August we opened Top That Cookie Truck, a mobile vending unit serving fresh cookies and homemade ice cream. The first few weeks had gone well and we were excited about our new business venture. The kids were just about to turn 2 and life was pretty good.
I don't know if the universe was trying to send me a message that this was a terrible idea or not. What I do know is, that every day from the day I applied for my business license for the truck, I began seeing 9:11 twice a day on the clock. This is a common phenomenon sometimes known as "angel numbers". I fully believe it's real and you'll see why as we get into the story. But it was not this incident that made me believe in angel numbers, I was already aware. And it was freaking me the fuck out. Even if I TRIED to not see the clock at 9:11, something would happen to bring my attention to it. I could be dead asleep and wake up and look at the clock. 9:11.
@chackett ended up being sent to Hawaii for work. He left that morning of September 6th. In my mind, with everything that was happening in the world at the time (and still is), I thought for sure something terrible was going to happen to my husband on his trip. I begged him not to go. It felt irrational, he had to go or he'd get fired. But I just couldn't shake that feeling that something bad was in the air.
It was 6:30pm. I had my friend and her family over visiting. Her husband was the one who helped build the food truck. Their kids are older than ours, 6 and 10 at the time. Her husband and the kids were inside the house with my kids. My friend and I were in the garage attached to the house. We were waiting on someone that was coming to buy a deep freezer from me. It had ended up being too large for the food truck so it had to go. That man had just left when our friends emerged from the house and were heading home. They had taken separate cars to our house so that my friend could stay a bit and help me get the twins to bed. It's always rough when daddy's not home. While her husband was loading their kids in the car, she and I were figuring out a plan. I needed some things from the store, but it was dinnertime for the kids. She offered to run to the store real quick while we did dinner. I agreed. I opened the door to the house from the garage. As you walk in, there's a little wall that juts out, blocking your view into the living room. I stood in the doorway and rattled off my list to my friend. Her head down as she typed it all in her phone. "Got it!", she said. "I'm heading out."
Here is where time stood still for me. Here is the moment my brain broke. In less than 90 seconds, while our friends were leaving, the twins had run to the window to wave goodbye to them. They always did this. So cute! But this time, they must have climbed on the back of the couch. In reach of the blind cord. I have no idea exactly how it happened. Maybe he started to slip and grabbed for the cord? Maybe River thought it would make a nice necklace? (Yeah, fuck my brain for having that thought.)
I turned the corner and said, "What do you babies want for dinner?". As my eyes scanned up to the window I stopped and almost tripped over myself. I blinked hard. Twice. What I saw in front of me was my own god damn worst nightmare. Dangling 2 feet above the ground from his neck by the blind cord was my precious Simon.
I screamed. SIMON!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
I ran across the living room and picked him up. Unwrapped the cord (it was all the way around his entire neck). He was blue. His eyes were open and unfocused. In that moment I knew I was holding my dead son my arms. I knew he was gone. I wanted to be gone too. The worst part was poor River. She had been standing right next to him on the couch and was patting his shoulder while he hung there as I ran up. I'll never forget that. I wish I could. Lord knows I've tried. My only solace in any of it is that neither one of them will likely remember any of it.
I panicked. I ran with him in my arms to the garage and screamed the whole way there. My friend was standing in the middle of my garage, phone still in hand, as I ran to her and thrust Simon into her arms. I didn't know what else to do. I barely managed to squeak out "help" before she told me- "GO! Call 911". Where was my phone?! I didn't know. My brain felt like it was on fire. My baby was dead. I needed help. I ran to our next door neighbor's house, who just happens to be a distant cousin but she's more like a grandma to me. Her front door was open and I just remember screaming, "Please, help! Simon's not breathing! Call 911." And then I turned and ran back to our house. Gram and her grandkids (also my cousins) followed me, making the call to 911. I skidded to a stop in front of the open garage door and stared. My friend, (let's call her Shan), had performed CPR and gotten Simon breathing again. She had him sitting up with his back to me. I tried not to look. My emotions completely out of control. I had to call my husband! Luckily, he had just landed at LAX, he hadn't made it all the way to Hawaii yet. I sobbed into the phone. "Ssssimmmonn." Chris said, "What? What's wrong? Babe I can't understand you." I took a huge breath and said, "Simon hung himself in the blind cords and he's not breathing. COME HOME!"
I heard him swear and then yelling at people to get the fuck out of his way, he had to get home. His son was hurt! I was dying inside. I didn't know what to do with myself. As I tried to explain more to Chris over the phone, the paramedics arrived. Maybe 3 minutes had passed at this point. (We live less than 2 miles from the fire station.) I looked up and saw a face I recognized. The lead paramedic on scene was my dear friend C's little brother. (Not so little now, he's only a few years younger than myself.) Growing up, even though little J was always messing with us and following us around, he was the one we looked to to fix things. He was both a talented mechanic and first aid responder by the time he was a teen. I fell to the ground on my knees, clutching my phone and whispering into it, "It's gonna be ok. J is here!".
Chris replied, "J? Who's J?". I explained the best I could through tears and Chris said "ok, I'll be there as soon as I can. keep me updated." He had to get booked on a flight back. I called my mom and went through it all over again. My parents were there within minutes and I fell into my mother's arms and wept while J and his team worked on Simon.
I had to give a statement to the police. I was absolutely terrified that CPS was going to show up and take away River too. But that didn't happen. I saw J take the police investigator into the house for a bit and when they came out he said. "I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm reporting this as an accident that needs no further investigation."
J put his arm around me and hugged me hard. He said, "Simon's gonna be ok. You did great. We've got him in the ambulance and we're ready to transport. He's going to Skagit first to stabilize him and then he'll be life flighted to Harbour View in Seattle. Do you want to ride in the ambulance with him?" Of course I did. I sat in the front because they had put him on a vent to breathe for him. The paramedics were getting everything secured for the ride. As we waited, J pulled out his phone. He said, "Do you mind if I call my wife and tell her to cut our blind cords?". "Please do." I whispered.
The next few weeks were a blur. It was after 11pm by the time Simon made it from our little town to the hospital in Seattle. I had Shan drive me there instead of riding in the helicopter. I needed a minute to process. Chris had made it into Seattle a little before us. He was already up in Simon's room when we got there. I had told Shan about my angel numbers. She was also a believer. We approached the security guard and I told him I was there for my son who had just been life flighted in. He said, "Ok, here's your pass. It's room 911"
My heart skipped a beat. This was it. This was what the 9:11 everywhere was all about. I looked over at Shan and she was staring at me, wide eyed. I just shook my head. I never would have guessed it would be this.
Simon was kept medically sedated for 7 days.
They weren't sure if he had suffered any damage from the accident. We wouldn't know until he woke up. That first night in the hospital there was no where to sleep. Parents could not sleep in the PICU rooms if the patient is on a vent. So we pushed together a few chairs in the lobby and a kind nurse gave us some clean pillows and blankets. We slept straddled across chairs for a few hours before dawn. The next days went by slowly. Simon slept and Chris and I worried. We wandered around the hospital or sat by his bedside. Sometimes we'd walk around outside the hospital. But all we could do was wait. Wait for the Doctors to decide it was safe to wake him up.
When that day came the doctors at Harbour View decided it would be better to transfer him to Children's Hospital, just up the road. They told us Children's has more experienced peds docs, it was necessary to wake him up there, just in case anything went wrong. So we moved hospitals. The doctors there woke him up within a few hours of transfer. My baby was gonna be alright!
It was another week in the hospital there before he was well enough to come home. They had to wean him off the meds and make sure he could eat solid foods with no problems. In the meantime, we had to cancel events with the food truck and by the time we were back in town and ready to operate again, our fans had forgotten us. No one wanted to book us. I was a wreck. Flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks. You name it, I was going through it. It didn't matter that Simon was fine. My brain was tormenting me. Relentlessly. The business failed. We couldn't pay our debts we incurred to open the business. I felt like I had been crushed into a tiny paper ball ready to be blown away at any second. I've seen a therapist. Medicated with Cannabis. Still the thoughts wouldn't leave me. It's been over a year now and I can honestly say that it's because of Steemit that I have the courage to write this today and share my worst pain with all of you. If I can learn to talk about it and educate others on how easily something like this can happen, maybe I can prevent someone else out there from living this nightmare.
This was taken the day he came home from the hospital. It's my favorite photo of him.
Today Simon is 3 years old. He loves chicken nuggets, hot wheels and hide and seek. He suffers no effects from the accident and is developing normally. We are SO very lucky. Others that have experienced this have not been so lucky. For over 30 years, window blind manufacturers have known that producing corded blinds is dangerous, yet they continue to do so. Profit over people. There's no reason that a blind cord needs to be able to hold 25 lbs. If all cords had breakaway features, this would never happen again. But until then....
Please, if you have children or pets in your home and also have corded blinds, cut them or secure them above the window. Please
If you read all that, you're a saint and I appreciate it. I feel like I'm cleansing my soul a little here. It's especially daunting to put your biggest mistakes on display for everyone to see. But I know it's important to share because those stupid blind cords are everywhere. They even had them in both hospital rooms Simon was in! "Cut the Cord" has a whole new meaning for me now. I hope it does for you as well. Thank you for reading. Love and light to you all.
Edit: My husband took the time to write out what this experience was like for him in the comments. I upvoted it to hopefully keep it at the top for people to read.
