_{Attention Grabbed!}

I want something that I cannot reach and dismiss the things in my reach.

I always feel envious when I see successful people. "I'd like that" I keep saying to myself, but I rarely consider If I'd be willing to put in the work. Guess what I want is simply be someone else entirely. I've come to dislike my shortcomings and I haven't learned to see them as a source and guide for self-improvement. What are the things in my reach? It's so obvious! My mind is the single most important tool I have and it's what allows me to get to my goals, but it's also my biggest nightmare since it keeps me from achieving my goals.

It is a desperate feeling, being trapped in being something you don't want to be, not knowing how to change it and dream of a better life. Dreaming. That's the cheapest and fastest way to feel better while sabotaging yourself. I guess finding shortcuts to my plight is a skill my mind has mastered to perfection. Could this also be the reason why people can be so gullible to think mr. Banana from Africa will pay them their loan 10 times back? The illusion is stronger than rational thoughts.

Not being satisfied with one's self.

Why does the road less traveled seem like the better one?

If there's anything else I despise more than an endless routine it has to be spiders. But let's get back to the routine. The never ending routine which spins an invisible web of confusion around my perception of reality. Days, weeks, months melt into one. Tasks get completed without thinking. Things just flow. My mind is constantly borderline sleeping, but once there's something unexpected panic takes over, new patterns of behavior emerge, minds start racing. It's a rush, an exciting one that stands out from the usual routine. The web lifts for some time until only a memory remains of that one time the routine got disturbed.

I know routine gets me down and I'll try and shake things up from time to time. It's that feeling of being awake from the slumber of life. What could be the best thing to shake things up? Do something totally different, something extreme. Is this the reason people go on vacation, get mentally ill, have freakouts, act like daredevils etc?

I guess in pre-historic times the only routine was there was no routine. Death was right around the corner. Now we have to compensate for the lack of unpredictable danger. Could some politicians think "let's let some terrorists in, that will make life more spicy!"? I don't believe that, but see a connection there.

The need for unpredictability.

It's in my nature to want hardship

It's hard being alive. Life is a constant lesson, a never-ending test. Every moment I think, is every moment I change who I am and the bigger the thought the bigger the change. Only through tough lessons will I mature and develop. I think everyone knows that, even the educational system, if you can believe that.
Humans have evolved to be smart. We have selectively breed to have the "smarts" take over our gene-pool. Therefore we might be hardwired to look at the world in a problem-solving kind of way. A messy world might seem more attractive than a perfect world, utopia. Even in our leisure time we tend to fill our mind with problem solving. Think about your hobbies.

The bigger the problem, the better the challenge.

Introspection

I once ditched a girl for being too boring and easy to get. It's shows I want someone who's gonna challenge me everyday. Often the unobtainable women are the most desirable for they bring a lot of challenges to the table. No wonder I'm attracted to women out of my reach, though my rationale tells me different all the time. I used to be attracted to women with whom I shared similar problems. I might have subconsciously seen this as way to tackle my problems through someone else.
I often think about just selling it all and going where the winds take me. Meaning I'm not satisfied with my life where I am. I did go to the States quite randomly one year just to get away for a while. The only thing I learned from that 3 month trip was that all my problems are within me. Going places won't change anything. So if you have similar thoughts it's better to travel inside yourself a bit rather than outside. Gather your thoughts, find what's wrong, develop a plan and attack your problem head on. The fights within us are the hardest.
When I think of successful people I'm no longer jealous of their belongings, but their personal characteristics. I want to be like them in thought and action not have have their lives and wealth.

Conclusion

Obviously, what I desire tells a great deal about me that I might not have previously realized. I guess I should walk away from it smarter and happier: now I know more about what to fix and improve about me, but really... I'm too lazy to fix myself in a meaningful manner, have always been. Maybe tomorrow? Let the web of illusions remain for now.