I should be a mother of 3, but I am a mother of 1.
This may make some of you uncomfortable, and if it does, that's the point. I thought long and hard about making this post, but for some reason I kept coming back to it today. As something that happens to so many women, I am surprised that it is not talked about much. I am surprised that it is kept secret. I am surprised that the women who go through it once, twice, or even multiple more times often have to suffer through it with very little people around them knowing it has happened. It just is not talked about very much.
What am I talking about?
I'm talking about Miscarriages. It can be a hard thing to talk about. Some women, myself included, blame themselves. We take on the burden. We try to be strong even if we are crumbling inside. We are the ones that have to go through the pain, not our partners. They get emotional pain but we feel both physical and emotional pain. We consider the facts that we have done something wrong, or believe that our bodies have failed us.
I lost my first pregnancy in 2009. I was about 8-9 weeks pregnant.
About 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. Source
I had told my family at that point, and my husband told his. We were so happy as we had already been married for 3 years and just wanted to start a family. I knew the night I lost it. It was painful, like nothing I had ever felt before. I confirmed it at the E.R. the next day after waiting 8 hours in the waiting room to be seen. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. My doctor tried to help by telling me that it was a good thing because it meant there was an abnormality and that the body is smart so he goes ahead and flushes it as it would not be a properly viable child. I get that. It helped a bit, but I dealt with a lot of pain.
Unfortunately no one could really help. The families on both sides didn't really understand. None of them had been through it. My youngest sister already had her first child. My middle sister was someone at the time I could talk to, but she still couldn't understand. There was no real support at all. It was a very difficult time. I regretted telling our families.
I even wrote a poem a couple of days after it happened, just for my own sanity and healing.
In memory of my little one who I lost yesterday (This was written back in October 2009)
The joy you brought me
The love we could have shared
All I wanted to do was protect you
And oh how I was so scared
I cried many tears when I saw you pass me by
And I wished for the feel of you sitting inside
I want you with me now
I miss you so much already
I know you were not well
And that I could not have changed it
I thought I wanted to forget you
But I don't because you were part of me
You will always been my first
My first baby and pregnancy
I hope that we meet someday
A day where you are healthy and remember love
And I hope that I can give you a family
Brothers and sisters you will never know
You have given me strength
And you have made me look fear in the face
I hope you are healthy now
In your brand new found life
Although I know you were too young
I hope you never forget
That your father and I loved you so much
And you will always be in our hearts
We will continue to try for our first baby to be born
And I hope every healthy piece of you comes out in him or her
Please watch over me and help us grow together
And when its time to come back maybe we will be joined by you
I will always cherish the time we had
And I will always remember the good
The worst has happened my dear
I am healthy and you get a new chance to be
I will always remember you
My perfect first little one
After all that pain passed we were ready to have another child. Our first real child. She was born in 2012. At the time there wasn't really the Rainbow baby term, but I now know that that's what she is. She is my rainbow baby. She is the rainbow after the storm.
I wish I could say that this is all there is to this story. I wish I could say anything else than what I am about to, but I can't. I must be honest. 2017 has been a tough year so far. In the early part of this year I found out we were pregnant again. So happy, my gosh. We originally thought we were going to keep a secret. But I knew better. I didn't have support the first time around. I wanted to share my excitement and if something happened then at least I would have the support of some friends around me. So I told a few close friends. We told our families, some of who (not my side) said it was too early and I should be careful telling people (I am the only one who has been told that telling early is a bad thing). I again said no I didn't care I would rather the support. In hind sight though the one thing I would change, it telling my daughter. That one hurt the most.
She was there with me at the midwives that day that I was getting my first real appointment. I was supposed to be about 9-10 weeks pregnant. They couldn't see anything. My stomach sank. They needed a more thorough ultrasound, so I took my daughter with me (a drive almost an hour away) to the nearest ultrasound facility, me with tears in my eyes. I was told that something was missing. The baby. Everything else was present. It looked as though my body had been doing everything correctly. But the fertilized egg had some how been re-absorbed, something called a blighted ovum.
I will tell you that I personally don't know how some women can deal with losing more than two. You women are absolutely amazing to me. I, I was not that strong. I broke. I am the rock in my home, in my relationship, and I broke. Thank gosh I had friends around (one that had been through one, and another who didn't), but either way they were there. I also had one of my sisters that was so helpful and checking up on me all the time even though she lives back in Canada (where I am from) and I am in Florida. My friends, they helped me get my mind off of it. They helped me laugh, they let me cry. They saw me angry, they saw me quiet, they saw my life suffer a bit. I had to wait nearly 6 weeks for everything to naturally miscarry. After having a child I can tell you it is the same process. You have a labor. You have the pain. You have the bleeding. Only differences are that it is smaller so it hurts less (but still hurts a lot), and it does not result in a child. Once I started being able to get back to normal, I felt better. I was able to be a bit more healed. I was able to appreciate the body that I had thought betrayed me, to instead realizing that it was doing the best it could to make it hospitable, and do what it was supposed to do.
I will not give up trying to have more children. I am a mother through and through. I would love more kids if it is meant to be.
I wanted to share this story because like I said it was on my mind. I feel as though I am supposed to write this.
I want other women to know that they are not alone. That it is so much more common than you think. I have had discussions with a few more newer friends in the recent months to find out that there are quite a few women I know who have gone through this, some even recently this year as well. If you are one of those women, or know one of those women, then do your best to give time to heal. There will be anger, and there should be! There will be sadness and near depression, and that is understandable. But do not feel that you need to go this alone. Miscarriages do not make you faulty. They are also not your fault or anything that you can control. Life can be harsh but you don't have to live this alone. Nothing makes it easier, but try to talk about it. Try to open up to others even if you are scared. The best decision I made the second time was that I shared it with friends who were close to me, ones that I knew would care and be supportive if something happened. I hated that it came true, but I never once regret that I shared it because they are the ones who kept me sane when everything else around me was crumbling.
So women, and men, be supportive. Let women talk about these things. Be there for them. And if this is also happening to your spouse or partner, let yourself heal as well, but for the first while she needs to come first. Hope you all enjoyed reading it. Do not worry about saying anything to support me as I am good at this point. Thank you for taking the time to read this all the way through.
Note - Image is from pixabay (free images)
