Source: Pixabay
I have a goal to join three contests per week, and I chose to join this contest. I have been trying for days to draft what I want to share but I have a lot of things going on and I get distracted but since it's the deadline, I'll have to decide to really put focus on this. I actually don't have the drive to write about anything right now but I am not doing anything so I might as well give this a shot. This isn't really the kind of tone I like for an intro but I'll just do what I can. I'll just write anything that comes to my mind. I hope I can make it sound interesting and better as I go along.
I don't have anything interesting to write as I don't think I live an interesting life at the moment but let me share to you my struggle and maybe a thing or two on how I survive. I hope it sends a message out there and inspire someone to just keep going and to fight with their might all their demons.
I am living with chronic illness, kidney failure, and I am on dialysis. If you're not familiar with dialysis, it's a life support treatment, we need to be hooked to a machine three times a week for our blood to be cleaned since our kidneys are no longer working. We are hooked to a machine through tubes called bloodlines which are attached to our arms with two big needles. This has been my situation for 2 years now.
Sourche: Pixabay
Before I was diagnosed, I was on my prime and I thought I had everything figured out. I was a single mom who was financially independent, a career woman. I think I was a good mom and a responsible member of the family. I helped my mom and my siblings financially. We had each other's back then, they were my strongest support system. Life was smooth, I was blessed to have my daughter and I had a boyfriend whom I thought was the one.
The illness came like a thief in the night. I never even had fever. My first symptom was just insomnia, I wouldn't sleep for days. My hemoglobin dropped and made me pale and weak. My skin tone was getting shades darker and bruises showed randomly in all parts of my body. I got hospitalized and I was told I had stage 5 or end stage kidney failure. It was shocking and got me in denial. How would I be stage 5 when I never even got stage 1, 2, 3 or 4? They put tubes on my neck for the first 2 months of emergency dialysis and I had to undergo 2 operations. I barely survived. I had ICU visits twice because my heart and lungs were swollen. Everything was expensive and it drained all my savings. I thought it was something I will recover from but the doctor told me it's a life-long illness, I will have to be on dialysis for life. I was shattered.
I had to leave my job, I needed to go home to my family and be dependent from them. My mom loves me and does her best to support my finances. Dialysis is a very costly treatment, but mom has sworn to bear the burden for as long as it will make me live a little longer. The doctor gave me a 2-7 years life span estimate. In a few days, my life changed. The once independent career woman is now a stay home single mom, unemployed and chronically ill.
Source: Pixabay
I have always been a fighter. I have always been tough because of the trust and support of my mom, I have been independent and a go getter. But I did not see the illness coming and I never imagined before that this could happen to me. Being sick with chronic illness is difficult. Too difficult, I won't even wish this to happen to my worst enemy. I did not know what to do when I got diagnosed, I was helpless. It was more than demoralizing to move around in a wheelchair and have a tube stuck in your neck. It did not make sense. I had a lot of questions in my mind, it was noisy, confusing and chaotic.
I suddenly became too sensitive about everything specially my relationships. I would always see pity in people's eyes when they talk to me. They try to comfort me with words that didn't even made sense to me, that I thought didn't help. There was nothing that could help me with what I felt then. I was in my darkest moments. I was confused. I was sad. I was hopeless. I hated everything and everyone, even the people who cared. I hated how they told me to pray because I thought I have stormed heavens with prayers and all my why questions. It did not make sense when someone told me to pray. I hated it.
I thought I had the right to be depressed. I have stopped talking to people. I have isolated myself. I spent days staring at the ceiling playing with my dark thoughts. I became emotionally unavailable even to my own daughter. I knew I was dying but I did not know why I had to suffer before I die. I was at the rock bottom of my life.
Source: Pixabay
Just when I thought it could not be any worse, people left me. My boyfriend left me. My friends stop checking me out. My siblings thought I was a liability and want nothing to do with me. I was trying to process everything, like how can this happen to me? These are people I trust to be by my side through everything. I thought I was just being sensitive. Maybe I was toxic, maybe it was my fault they left. I tried to win them back but all I hear are reasons that hurt me even more. My siblings whom I used to provide for, now have weird pronouncements about me being too much of a burden to my mom and everybody. They even suggest I try and find work soonest so I could help with my medical bills and medicines. I thought this just happens in movies. I never thought people could fall apart because one got sick. I drowned in self-pity. I didn't want to be sick, this wasn't even a choice for me, why would people hate me and leave me?
Source: Pixabay
It was sad. I was devastated. But it was this sadness and darkness that made me slowly break free. While I was playing with melancholy and depression, a thought came to me to ask how do other patients with kidney failure cope with these difficulties. I got curious and found Donna (@dunnadelirium), a fellow patient in Facebook and connected with her. She added me to a chat group she founded, and there I met patients from all walks of life, with different stories to tell. As newbie, I became an audience and listener, I realized a lot of people have it tougher than I do. Most of the times it's overwhelming hearing difficult experiences from others. I was still sad but I did not feel so alone anymore. Other than my mom and my daughter, I felt I belong to a community that understood me. I looked up to the people who were positive in that chat group and my friend Donna never failed to inspire me and empower me. She would always tell me that we needed to accept the illness so we can manage our lives. The illness is now part of us, we need to embrace it and learn to live with it. It just took one person for me to see the light again. I am so grateful I reached out to her at the right time.
Source: Pixabay
Slowly, I picked up the pieces and since then Donna and our group Dialysis Support Group, Philippines had been my other support system aside from my mom and daughter. They all continue to empower me and help me understand my illness. This illness has taught me humility. I now reach out to people and ask help whenever I struggle with how I feel inside. I have learned a lot from from my new friends. I have learned to hope and to have a strong faith in God. I may have had people that left me but I found many others that inspired me. I feel like I have found better friends, better relationships because these people accept me for who I really am, illness included.
Source: Pixabay
I am no longer depressed, although there are days that are really bad days because of my health going unstable but with the help of my friends, my mom and daughter and also with Steemit, I can snap out of it. I think whatever it is that's causing one's depression or suffering it helps when you work on with acceptance first and use a lot of common sense. Common sense will guide you to live life simply and to do what's best for your situation and deal only with the necessary. There will be a lot of things that we cannot do and a lot of things we can do, common sense will help us know the difference. We can only do so much, we have to let go of things we don't need like things that make us negative. Negativity will get us nowhere. We need to have a strong will to move on with our life whatever our circumstances. And most of all, we have to have a strong faith in God and trust that he sees all your suffering and he hears you when you call. If you have a strong faith, you will be blessed with a consciousness that understands difficult situations and a strength to endure all kinds of pain. You'll be able to draw strength you never thought you had.
Source: Pixabay
Medical science says I'm no longer going to get better from this illness. Even if I get transplanted, I would still be dealing with a whole lot of risks. I don't worry about that anymore, I only think of the here and now, make memories, treasure every moment and find more reasons to live. I believe life is a choice, I choose to enjoy and live happy in spite of the challenges. I know my health will slowly deteriorate and I'd probably die young but I don't fear any of that because I'm busy making the most of every moment I spend with my dear ones. I want to live a life with no regrets, I want to be felt by everyone that holds me dear. I never want to take anything for granted. I guess this is how it feels when you know that your days are numbered and life is short.
Source: Pixabay
Thank you @bycoleman for having this contest. I'm not a good writer but I'm glad you made a venue for people to share their touching life stories. Steemit had been life changing for me. From doing nothing, I now blog stuff and interact with good people from all over the world. I am so grateful to be here and it gives me so much happiness and hope that this platform can reward people's efforts.
Cheers to Steemit and everyone in it. Stay positive and inspire.
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