Amongst the numerous newsletters piled up in my inbox, this gem by Sara Tasker stopped me in my tracks. She's an Instagram personality catapulted into the spotlight over the past three years, now making tons of money curating her grid and showcasing products. But, she is also a normal gal who struggles just like the rest of us.
What she forgave herself for in this article made me nearly envious - her non-negotiable need for naps and excessive rest, her intense and obsessive research of random subjects (eg. Mark Hamill), and her lack of willpower after a stint in her 20s of racking up massive debt. These are elements of her identity that she was once ashamed of. Now, she's set them free in the sea of the internet and who knows, maybe she really did forgive herself?
I don't have ten things - maybe that's something I can forgive myself for.
But, I have five.
Choosing my mental health over love. I've walked away from more lovers, people I genuinely cared for and thought I'd stick with for the long-term, than I care to admit. People I still think about, wish I could reach out to, but know that I made the right decision in walking away. Whether it is taking space, establishing boundaries, or leaving all-together, my mental health (and my overall life experience) is more important than love. And when it's true, love will find a way.
My curiosity and the incessant questions I must answer. I am always asking why. Sometimes how. And to me, nothing is impossible. Realists will scoff at me as if I am naive or stubborn, constantly seeking a solution to problems that seem unsolvable. I still feel bad as someone lays into me that I'm being too idealistic, that I need to let something go. I have known my intuition longer than anyone else, and I trust it. If it's curious, I'm going to find out what there is to learn.
Wandering. Physically and intellectually. Walking familiar streets, browsing Pinterest, turning off the GPS in a foreign place... I don't wander all the time, but I am done apologizing for wanting to blow off the plans I've made just to spontaneously explore. I have felt bad so many times, that the people around me were worried that I didn't call or that I canceled on an outing due to my own meandering. Surprises are where my soul grows and where inspiration is born.
Not having a steady job or income. And no intention of pursuing one. Life and finances freak me out. Being a freelancer, an artist, a hustler, an entrepreneur - it's no easy road. There is no security. There's rarely a bail-out either. You're on your own, floating in the abyss with nothing but the things you've brought or built. Too often I've told myself, "Maybe you should just get a job in sales. Make some money and get comfortable for a while." Even the thought makes my heart shudder. Structure and managerial expectations aren't where I thrive, and I'm ready to be okay with that.
Being almost entirely unable to take it easy, give myself grace, and say that I'm "good enough." Does that seem counter-intuitive to you, reader? Should I forgive myself for treating myself poorly? The difference between me and someone else who is tough on themselves is that in the back of my mind I hear my ballet teacher, in her thick Macedonian accent, If you do not feel pain, you are not stretching. But, it is a sweet pain, the kind that gives you hope. My threshold for greatness only expands as I matur, and that sweet pain is my gauge for just how hard I can push myself. And, I'm done feeling bad about other people telling me I'm too hard on myself. It's okay that I'm too hard on myself - it's what makes me me.
Bonus: Being unable to forgive myself for so much quite yet. There are many parts of myself I still cannot set free. So many expectations, standards, falsehoods, unknowns, discomforts, and unattractive bits that I still can't say, "Hey, it's okay. You're okay."
And, that's okay, too.
Self-care is not a perfect practice, and it certainly isn't a short-term solution. I am bringing this to Steemit as a challenge to you, my dear reader, to look within and ask, "For what can I forgive myself? How might my acceptance ease my weary soul?"
If you're reading this, I nominate YOU to take on the 5 Things I've Forgiven Myself For challenge.
Tag me in it, share with me and your friends + followers what it looks like to give yourself a smidgen of grace. Don't feel like you have to forgive yourself for anything you're not ready for... just what you can handle today.
To get us started, I hope a few folks will join me in this:
Use the hashtag #forgivemyself to join our little community.
Hi, I'm Amelia! It's nice to meet you.
I'm a writer, minimalist, tiny home dweller, and maker living in East Tennessee, USA. You might have found me through the Ladies of Steemit curation initiative, showcasing the female voices on the Steemit platform. Let's hang out on the blockchain and see where it takes us.
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