This is my first ComedyOpenMic entry and it's a tribute to the unsatisfying ending of the movie: Titanic. Jack didn't needed to die, so I'm rewriting 'The Promise' scene.
The romantic in me wants a happy ending but I'm not sure I succeeded. ;)
(Original vintage advertisement - public domain)
The Promise Scene
ROSE
I love you, Jack...
JACK
(Feeling stiff, cold and breathing is choppy.)
Don’t you do that. Don’t you say your goodbyes.
I’m not dead yet…
(Teeth chattering.)
If you move over a few inches on that door
and let me on, I might still live.
There’s enough room for both of us...
ROSE
I’m so cold…
JACK
(Teeth chattering louder, head is shaking uncontrollably.)
Listen to me, Rose. You’re going to get out of here.
You’re going to make lots of babies.
With my help, if my gonads haven’t frozen off.
We’re going to watch them grow.
We’re going to die old and warm in our bed.
You just need to move over.
I don’t need much space. I don’t want to die.
Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me?
(Makes weird struggling noise from the cold.)
ROSE
I can’t feel my body…
JACK
(Looks pleadingly into Rose’s eyes.)
Are you listening at all? You’re complaining?
I’m the one in the icy water!
I can feel the icicles on my eyebrows.
Winning that ticket is the worst thing
that ever happened to me.
ROSE
You regret meeting me?
I didn’t cause the Titanic to sink.
JACK
(Shakes head.)
Sorry, the cold is confusing my mind.
I mean it was the best thing. It brought me to you.
And I’m thankful for that, Rose. I’m thankful, but…
(More struggling noise.)
You must— you must slide over, just a bit.
I’m really friggin’ cold.
Women have more fat than men.
And you have a generous figure.
I don’t need as much room as you.
ROSE
(Starts to look confused.)
Are you calling me fat?
JACK
What?
I said generous.
ROSE
You weren’t complaining when we were having
steamy, finger-gliding-on-window relations in the car.
I wasn’t too fat then!
JACK
(Getting impatient.)
This isn’t the time to argue. I’m freezing.
I need to get on the door.
Us common folks deserve to live too!
ROSE
What must you think of me?!
I don’t care if you’re common!
Didn’t you hear me?
I said I love you...
JACK
It’s you who’s not listening.
I’m neck-deep in ice water
while you’re floating on a
generous door complaining!
ROSE
So we’re back to my generosity now!
JACK
The door, woman!
ROSE
Are you implying I’m spend-thrift?
JACK
We are not in a department store,
I don’t care about your spending habits.
Move over, I just need some space!
ROSE
I must be so suffocating that you need space?
JACK
On the door you daft woman!
ROSE
So now you’re mocking me!
What did I ever see in you?
I could be carrying your child!
JACK
All the more reason to move over!
Why am I even asking you?
You’re irrational!
ROSE
(Eyes narrowing.)
Ooooh, you are such a man!
JACK
Make that a cold and desperate man.
That’s it, I’m done being a gentleman.
Move your pampered backside.
I’m coming up!
(Starts to climb sluggishly onto the platform, pushing Rose aside.
The door rocks from the tussling.)
ROSE
Be careful! You’re tipping the door!
JACK
It’s you. You’re heavier than me.
ROSE
Stop calling me fat!
JACK
Just calm down, we can find balance.
ROSE
(Panics. Her frantic movement causes the door to tip.)
Help! Help! I’m sliding off the door!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh!
JACK
Hang on, Rose!
(Grabs at Rose but misses. She slides into the water.)
ROSE
Aaaaaaaaarrrgh! I’m in the ocean!
Help me, Jack! Help! It’s unbearably cold!
(Spluttering and drinking sea water.)
JACK
(Grabs Rose by the armpit and pulls.)
Christ, you’re really heavy!
(Grunts with great effort)
ROSE
Jack, do not take the Lord’s name in vain!
JACK
(Keeps pulling with little result.)
It’s your skirts, they’re weighing you down!
Why can’t you be like my French girls?
They don’t wear much at all!
ROSE
I should have stayed with Cal...
JACK
(Still grunting and working hard.)
He’s a brute.
I doubt he’s done any hard labour in his life.
I feel like I’m trying to pull a horse out of quicksand!
ROSE
(Slaps Jack’s arm. The door rocks dangerously.)
You’re impossible. This is impossible!
I’m going to die in this ocean,
and my last memory will be of you
comparing me to a horse!
JACK
(Flops down in defeat.)
You’re right. It’s impossible.
We’ll have to hope help arrives soon.
Just hold onto to my hand and don’t let go.
Promise me that you’ll never let go…
ROSE
I won’t, I promise.
(A bright light flashes in the distance.)
RESCUER ON A LIFE RAFT
Anyone alive?!
JACK & ROSE
YES!!
Some Titanic mood music - my husband thinks this is a creepy remix. Lol
EDIT: I forgot to nominate 2 unfortunate souls to enter this contest (or future ones)! I nominate:
@supersoju - I challenge you to write a hilarious science, baking or soju post!
@riverflows - You nominated me for a serious challenge, I’m nominating you for a funny one! ;)
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