DEC 25, 2050

The lights did not annoy me as much as the years before! The twinkling and flickering all across town while soft tunes of Christmas songs were playing in the background did not fuel the anger I still carry deep inside me. 

As always, I took a stroll across the town today to walk the steps you did that day as well. I even stopped at the three where you made me look at the huge town tree every year. There was this little girl dancing and singing around the tree. It warmed my heart for a brief moment. It made me forget why I took this walk in the first place. 

Img Credits: http://www.poetsreadingthenews.com

I walked the steps you took, touched the tree you stood against with your broad shoulders while you kept your dark brown eyes on me. I can still hear your dark husky voice shouting at me. Fuck, I felt so small that day. I knew that I was doing something wrong but I really did not care. Little did I know that my actions, my behavior would cause me this much pain later in life. 

I bought a donut at the bakery we went to that day but they are no longer the same. It looks unhealthy but there are hardly places left where you can buy fast food these days. I sat down at the spot where the little bench was. They removed it many years before but the view is still the same. I ate the donut while I had a smoke. Something you always hated. "Smokers will not live long and they smell bad!" I always giggle softly to myself when I light a cigaret and think back of your words. 

There was no snow like that day. Honestly, I have not seen snow in many years. The climate changed too much because of the way we all destroyed the world. Instead of the white fluffy blanket that covered the world many moons ago, the sun was shining bright today and most people were wearing shorts! Never the less, everything was breathing Christmas. 

It felt good to spend this day not feeling anger. Finally, I could smile from ear to ear. Something I have not done in such a long time. I tried to forget what happened the first years but it all came back to me double as hard. I should have screamed my lungs out. Cried rivers of tears but I blocked it all until the point I really snapped. The two years I have spend in the mental institute made things much better because I worked through my emotions and learned some amazing tricks to handle myself in a better way. 

I made sure the time I spend in there was well spend. I have written down all my plans and worked them out to the last second. I still read those words every day in the morning with my coffee. I turned them into little books I can carry with me no matter where I go. 

I went to the spot where it happened. My heart started to race like all the times before but this time I was not scared. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and thought back at the day, December 25, 2040, when you took me here with you, against my will. I can still feel your anger but also the deep love you had for me, your daughter. 

I wish I could change that last day, I wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of trying to hurt you. For the first time in all these years, I was able to stand on the exact spot where you fell down after you got hit in the head by a bullet. I stood where once lay your body on blood and I smiled because I felt proud. I could see the day playing before me like a movie. The screaming, the crying, the sirens. 

Slowly my heart stopped racing and a calm feeling of peace fell over me. Christmas finally arrived in my heart I guess. There was no snow but I fell down on my knees where you died and traced my fingers over the stones right before I started to hear screaming behind me again. I did not look up, I did not react at all. I just smiled from ear to ear while I raised my hands up in the air and felt the cops jumping on me. 

Within seconds they found the gun I had hidden behind my pants. I wondered if it was still warm from the seven shots I fired just a few minutes ago. 

Today, I took the walk, knowing it would be my last.