As a young child, I had two dreams. One of them was to become a teacher. However, it was not a smooth transition from high school to university. I had gap years, financial trouble and I enrolled in two different courses before even deciding to get a teaching degree. And that’s because one of my dreams was to get a 9am-5pm job, which meant that I’d come home to my future husband after 5pm. I realised that if I’d become a teacher, I would be always too busy and I’d even take my work home, and then I would not have time for my husband. These I dreamed when I was 12 years old. I just wanted a complete home and a stable job so I wouldn’t be in financial hardship anymore. So I already planned that I’d take up any course related to an office job after finishing high school.
When I was 18 years old, my father died, together with my stepmother and their two twin daughters, my half-sisters. It was tragic and horrific. All of a sudden, my whole world was shattered. I always considered my father my pillar of strength, my rock. I started to doubt and question God, I asked why He did not protect and save them from that hotel fire. Why of all places, it was the hotel full of Born Again Christian people that was struck by fire.
Since then, my spiritual life had been like a rollercoaster ride. I tried my best at running away from God and I lived a life not recognising I needed the Lord Jesus in my life. Instead, I concentrated on my university studies and did well, and eventually finished my teaching degree, which was what I had always wanted to do anyway.
Then, I came to Australia and met John. I fell in love with him straight away, and all I wanted was to be with him and eventually would get married to him.
My relationship with him made me grow further apart from God. Because I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I felt “safer” inside my home with John, and I did not have to go to Church. I was ashamed of myself, thinking I was too much of a sinner that the Church would just reject me, that I was not worthy in the eyes of the Lord. I did not even want to apply in a Christian school at the start for that reason, I had no choice but to apply in different schools as a Relief Teacher. The Principal of the Christian School phoned me the following day and asked me to come in for a relief teaching work. I was excited but apprehensive at the same time, because I knew that God was going to do something, and I was not sure whether I would be ready for whatever it was. (I doubted myself, but God still believed in me when I didn’t. He kept on pursuing me when I tried running away from Him.)
John and I eventually got married in 2012. However, our marriage crumbled in 2016 and had a brief separation from my husband. During this time, instead of running away from God again, I ran to Him for strength and peace. I started going to church regularly and attended the DNA course - a one-day-per-week training session to learn and know more about my church and my church family. Even though I was heartbroken from what’s happened between me and John, I felt at peace by myself whilst my heart was in the process of healing. We got back together and we forgave each other, and since then, our marriage has been better than ever before.
In 2017, I surrendered myself to God and decided to step into one year Discipleship Course. Part of me was saying what are you thinking? How can you even balance your life with all your outstanding commitments? But I have learnt to be obedient to God’s will and His purpose in my life. I know that this is His purpose and will for me. He never gave up on me. He continued to pursue me through all circumstances in my life. He has been there with me through it all.
I am still training myself to run to God whenever I feel like I want to run from something. One of the verses that I need to remind myself of every time is Psalm 27:5:
I am learning to dwell in God’s presence, to be intimate with Him, knowing that I can always run to Him for anything, for He is my Father and I am His daughter. My security comes from my Father God, not circumstances or even relationships. I desire to live my life with Jesus, freely and joyfully, for He is my Rock, and through Him I am reconciled with my Father. I still struggle in some areas of my life until now, but as I grow in my relationship with my Father, the Lord Jesus gives me the grace to overcome fear and insecurities. (My old habit was to run away and hide and not seek God when feeling so overwhelmed with problems and pressures in life, but since I stepped into Discipleship last year, I learnt and have been trained to run quickly to God. He is my Hiding Place now. I learnt to be vulnerable, too, and seek help and guidance from people, especially from my mentors, because I know that with them, I am in a safe place.) My transformation is not yet complete for Discipleship is a lifelong process and journey, but I trust that the Lord Jesus will help me finish the race and complete the task that He has started in me. All glory to God!