Introduction
Connections are the basis of human societies and human life. Communities are important to a wide variety of animal species, whether it's whales, primates or bees. Without much saying, there is a difference in the community aspect of each species, and I won't be discussing animal kingdoms in this post (especially since I do not have that much knowledge about that topic). Rather, I will talk about why connections are important to the human experience, especially for genuine communication to occur.
No Man is an Island
We all have heard the saying that no man is an island. This phrase tries to emphasise that we should ask help and seek connections and not try to be super-independent. Maybe the phrase doesn't capture the meaning very well. If humans are not islands, what are they? Oceans? Lands? Sky? I actually like to compare humans to islands. How do you explain isolation if you are one with the others? There is an importance to individuality and to be only interdependent on others, but not wholly dependent.
In my opinion, every person is an island. That's not a bad thing. Islands have their individual self, just like us. Every person is different, and therefore we all have different boundaries and we experience the world differently. Throughout our lives, we develop beliefs and ways of acting that are shaped solely by our experiences, and this can be compared to different habitats. Let's take a desert. The climate it is used to is mainly drought and scorching heat. Now, if you had to take that sort of climate and put it on a rainforest, you can imagine that the rainforest would react very differently. Why? Because it is not a desert – they are different.
So, let's say that you take my possibly flawed argument and accept it: people are islands, and we have our unique ways of experiencing things. Does that mean we are doomed to be misunderstood and isolated? No. Like islands can communicate with one another, so can we. And we should. There are resources and strengths that others possess which we currently do not have. Likewise, we have resources that are commodities for others. You can take that to be at a literal level. For instance, one person grows tomatoes and I grow cucumbers and we trade. Obviously, it benefits us both to get a richer diet. However, that does not explain the concept of feeling understood. At the basis of everything, people seek to be understood, possibly more than to be loved.
It is all a part of the social brain that we have. Not everyone realises how the concept of being understood is so important. However, when you look at mental health correlates, you notice that most people who suffer through depression or substance abuse are people who are ostracised or misunderstood. Let's take a pretty simple scenario that everyone understands: breakups. Not everyone goes through them, but we definitely know people who have gone through a breakup.
An Example of Communication
Let's take me, for instance, someone who had a breakup last month. The initial reactions may include anger, sadness, disappointment. Each person will experience something different, especially since each relationship is unique as much as the people that make it. So, once others learn that I have broken up, everyone has their own notion of what I am going through. Here are some of the typical response:
- "There are plenty of fish in the sea."
- "He was never good for you, you deserve so much better."
- "Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you okay? Are you sure you are okay?"
- "How are you feeling? Let me know if there is anything I can do for you."
There are probably many more and I am oversimplifying them. Let me now write some of my thoughts in response to these statements (respectively):
Well, I don't want the other fish. Why? Maybe he was the one, so nobody else is right for me. Maybe I have lost faith that other guys will be faithful and that I can find someone who respects me forever. Others may think that they are not good enough for anyone anymore. Overall, it may be a non-empathetic response, especially if used too soon or in a bad moment.
If someone is toxic and has not been good for me for the past three years, does that mean I have wasted all this time? Wait, why didn't you tell me sooner? Really though, did I put myself through something bad?
In reality no, it wasn't bad. Looking back at the relationship, I can appreciate what we had, and I would go through it again if I could go back in time. It did make me who I am today after all. So, by trying to make me feel better, you're 'attacking' my relationship and this whole experience which has helped me grow.Listen, it's a breakup, not the end of the world. I appreciate the concern, but it can be too suffocating at times. Again, this is my personal experience, some people may prefer this response. Honestly, asking me how I am all the time makes me feel like I am a very sick patient who needs constant care and needs to be fed via an IV drip, which I don't. I am able to hurt and yet move on, continue with my life and so on. So, unless I exhibit apathy and depressive symptoms, please, do not put too much emphasis on the negative connotations of a breakup. In reality, I have more freedom and I have re-shifted my mentality and I feel better than before.
I find this to be the most genuine because it is not portraying their own preconceived notions of a breakup onto myself. Let me tell you how I feel: you have no idea if it is hurt, anger, disappointment, depression, or whatever it may be. So, keep your eyes open and listen. Secondly, I am quite inclined to open up and just say I'm happy if we can just talk. Sometimes, the thing that really helps me is when someone listens. Listening is not hearing and replying with what you think makes me feel better. Sometimes, I just want to be human. It is okay to feel sad, so if I am sad, don't try to wash that away with the "you have a bright future". I know that silly. I know I have a bright future, but the present may still appear sombre. So just be there for me in case I am willing to ask, or else you might be pushing me away.
Connections: The Gateway to Genuine Communication
Okay, so that may have been more of a rant than an example. Trust me, it works as both. As you may have seen in the first few set of responses, the communication does not feel genuine. Why? The other person is just throwing back a rigid output which has been pre-processed. For instance, if you go to a vending machine and press for a bottle of water, you expect a bottle of water. However, humans are not machines, and you do not go to them when you are thirsty. Okay, maybe when you are that other kind of thirsty, you will seek out people, but that is not the point. FOCUS!
I do not talk to someone for an automated response. What makes the human experience special is that connection: empathy. Through empathy, the other person is able to 'throw away' their pre-processed replies and tries to understand what it means for you. They try to get into your brain and try to feel what you are feeling. When that happens, you no longer feel alone, or at least, not as much. When someone is able to understand you, you no longer are that freak that is so different from everybody else and is doomed to have a miserable life. This does not mean that when it comes to some mental health issues, empathy is a cure for everything. However, we all go through unpleasant experiences, and empathy can be used on day-to-day events.
As part of the LGBT+ community, I know how it feels like to be unable to relate to peers. When you go through life thinking that nobody else feels the same way that you do, you start seeing yourself as the one in the wrong (especially when you go to a church school in an extremely Catholic country). When people understand you, they are putting away their judgemental tones and are able to embrace and accept you for who you are. However, teenage me lacked that. People always reacted in their monotone pre-processed replies to other simple things. For instance, others always attached different meanings to my grades: e.g. if I got a B, some people will congratulate me for doing well whereas others (cough, parents) would expect a better grade. Once I realised that others are unable to understand what an experience, which is common to all of my society's members, means to me, then I thought that nobody will understand my much more complex and complicated experience of being gay.
What is the Purpose of this Rambling?
Overall, this post is an expression of myself and my opinions (and emotions). At the same time, it is an appeal for you readers to listen to people more and stop thinking only through your lenses. At the end of the day, we are all here on steem, blogging and sharing. Pay attention: sharing. Some people came here just to earn money, and that is their goal. However, there are others, like me, who have been blogging (or others who are new) who seek more than just the financial rewards. We have built connections and friendships through the blockchain. No matter your goal, when you share a post, you are hoping that there are people who are interested in reading, and that when they do, they will understand you. Then, you hope after they understand (and possibly relate), they will leave an upvote, or in my case, a comment showing they understood my point. (Yes, that’s telling you to write a comment after you finish reading this).
When I came here, I focused on reading and writing poetry. In that sense, I tried to connect with like-minded poets so that they are able to give feedback on my poetry, I give on theirs and we learn through each other's writing. However, I struck gold with unique communities like @BuddyUP, which focuses on the aspect of community and not the theme of the content. I have read posts about people adventuring and travelling, and it was exciting for me to read. Moreover, the people at this community have heard me rant and talk about my breakup and have been pretty supportive. Don’t get me wrong, it is not an online-therapy room. If you do pop by on discord, you will see me active quite often. Why? Because I feel understood and that I have a safe place where I can open up and discuss things and be respected for it. I am seen as a rational human being, and my opinion is valued. One of the best things about it as that we are quite varied. It is easy to find people who reciprocate your views on everything and stay in your comfort zone. However, when you come across people who have different perspectives, that is when human growth happens, and you are able to challenge yourself to see things in new ways. That’s the kind of people you want to be around: people who are willing to see the perspective of others.
All images are taken from Pixabay.
Welcome to the Sombre Days
My poetry collection, Welcome to the Sombre Days, is published as paperback on Amazon and ebook on Kindle. I am also posting the poems on steemit; here are some of the latest poems:
Latest Poems
fading
Shame
The Hauntings of Day
Inside Me (2)
Unrest
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