We were being pursued somewhere in Alabama when the first explosions were heard.
The speeding minivan was now sliding sideways due to a collision that rocked the van to it's very core. Flames were dashing across the side window and the impact allowed for a live mortar to get loose. The mortar was hissing like a snake as it fell from Jeff's hands and rolled toward me.
Jeff was our leader because he was funding this expedition and at the time he was strapped into a bucket seat with a cigar hanging out of his mouth while lighting another fuse. His seat was located in the second row of the van and he had swiveled it ninety degrees so with the sliding door open he was facing the cars to our right. His deranged laughter and the roaring wind filled the van as he prepared to blast mortars into the neighboring motorist.
I was in the back of the van, babysitting Kenny who's mind worked a little different than most.
His lower Jaw bone stuck out so far that he would have looked like he belonged in an evolution of man exhibit, if it wasn't for his coke bottle glasses and his constant need to yell “Electric Jesus,” every few minutes. I don't think Kenny had any concept of danger and as the mortar rolled toward us he continued to smile with a childlike curiosity.
The smoking mortar's explosion was eminent so I yelled “Take cover!” and immediately turned my body and covered my head just before the speeding van burst into flames. As the flames burnt my flesh and I watched the carnage unfold, I could feel my freedom slipping away and I knew that we had crossed too many lines and there was no going back.
But my life was not suppose to end like this,
I was suppose to be taking a class in Arizona, but it was canceled due to a lack of attendees, so I decided to hitchhike across the US. I thought this would be a great adventure, I would finally see America while meeting interesting people along the way.
I told myself that I wanted to see how long I could go living off my wits and off the kindness of strangers. But really I was just sick of people seeing me for what I was not and I was also too scared to show them the monster that was squeezing the life out of me. I was in a no win situation so I went on the run and was looking for answers.
It became abundantly clear that I was not very good at hitchhiking
when I wound up stranded at a remote gas station in Mississippi, who's only clientèle consisted of locals stopping for gas and groceries. Vinzy was a black kid that ran the gas station, but he was not really black at all, he was an albino with blond hair and white skin that was covered in tattoos.
He was one of those guys that was blessed with an abundance of testosterone and would make it known every time he saw a female. Until I met Vinzy I had never heard so much about fat asses and I could tell that he was very concerned that I might be forgetting to look, because he always asked “Did you see how fat that ass was? Damn!”
I tried to hide the fact that I was living behind the gas station,
but after two days Vinzy knew that I was some sort of drifter and asked me to hang out with him while the store was open. What he didn't know was that I had a debit card with me that I refused to use, because money would have no place on a trip like this, except for bail.
This was the first time in my life when I had money, so I was still not accustom to spending it or eating regular meals, which made this adventure possible. It allowed me to keep a low profile and not be tempted to beg or to show others that there was something worth stealing in my wallet, just because I had not eaten in a few days.
Over the course of a week I met a bunch of the locals,
I went to their parties and even managed to burn some bridges after taking some black beauties and drinking too much rum. I never liked rum, it always seemed to get me into trouble and this time was no different. I am not exactly sure what I did wrong due to a blackout, but I remember a fellow passenger was yelling “You're getting off easy, we should bust your ass” while they pushed me out of a moving vehicle.
We were not traveling very fast and I remember trying to run, but I couldn't keep up with how fast the earth was moving, so the earth became angry and began slapping me around until I finally stopped. So I was on my own, feeling more alive than I had ever felt and that miserable, little gas station was my home until a few days later when a group of college kids pulled in driving an old, faded blue minivan.
Jeff who looked like an airline pilot said that they were caravaning to Florida,
but the pack left them behind and they needed directions. I asked if they had room for one more and Jeff paused for a moment, looking me up and down and then said “Sure if you don't mind sitting next to Kenny.” Andy who had long hair and looked like Jesus, asked “You know about the rules of the road, right?” while making a blow job hand gesture and then letting loose a sadistic laughter that resembled the sound of a chainsaw as he starred into my eyes.
Then Jeff said “Get whatever you want I am buying, so they bought tons of junk food and I said farewell to Vinzy. Over the course of the week Vinzy assumed that I was just like him, but when I said “I hope that some day you will marry the fattest of all the asses,” he looked very puzzled. I immediately realized that this was the wrong thing to say and his entire opinion of me changed and my legacy was destroyed.
This seemed like any other road trip,
we had chips, alcohol, marijuana and various other drugs. I couldn't hear much of what was happening in the front, due to the distance and Kenny screaming “Electric Jesus” every few minutes, which was getting on my nerves. I was happy to get away from that gas station, the wooden bench that I was sleeping on had brutalized my back, so when Jeff offered some oxycodone I was eager to accept.
I tried to make small talk with Kenny by asking “So how do you know these guys?” While smiling he said “They took me, so now I'm with them.” I wondered if he was implying that they kidnapped him, so I said “Oh, that's nice” and turned away, pretending I found something interesting on the seat belt that needed my full attention.
This is Part One of a Five Part Series
My First Story
@gonzo/when-a-high-pressure-salesman-shakes-hands-with-a-lunatic-in-disguise