Several years ago, I was in a bad relationship with the father of my 2 oldest kids. We had lots of fun before I got pregnant with our daughter, but when I turned out pregnant his true colors started showing. I should have listened to my gut feeling to leave when he got drunk and angry and pushed me on the bed really hard. He even choked me one time. But I kind of believed that we worked things out, because I wanted to be a family so bad.
Unfortunately he got drunk more days in the week, and he had a really bad drunk. Several girlfriends told me leave him, but I was scared to leave because I didn't know where to go. After our daughter was born he behaved for a little while, but soon he started falling back in old habbits again. I was the one taking care of our daughter all the time, and even when he was home, he wasn't there.
I always wanted a little brother or sister for my oldest, and when things seem calm, I convinced him to having a little brother or sister. I was so happy when only 2 months later I turned out pregnant. That evening when I wanted to tell him about the positive test, he started a conversation with: "You know that thing we discussed, about having another baby, we should wait with that". And there I was with my test, I told him it was too late, I allready expected another baby. From that moment on it was clear he didn't want this baby.
It was about one year later I found out why, exactly at that time he started cheating on me with the same girl that later would apear on meetings with child protective services, but this was years later. Back to the pregnancy.
When our little boy was born I was so happy, and we bonded during our time when I breastfed him. I instantly had the feeling that I had to protect him, and give him extra attention, because daddy didn't want him. And it turned out that even his parents showed the same, because when our daughter was sleeping over (she did this from a young age every once and a while) they never wanted her brothter there. Where they had no problem of taking care of a baby for a few hours when she was little, they always declined to sit her brother when he was young.
I accepted it, and just enjoyed taking care of him and our alone time, when my daughter would go to her grandparents. She loved it there, so I would let her go if she or they asked. When my son was about 6 months we got into a fight again and I decided enough is enough, so I was looking for options to leave. The father said he would leave the house and I could stay there with the kids. So he did.
After a short time, when I was becoming myself again ( later on I learned why I lost myself, I was in a relationship with a narcissistic man) he would instantly pull me back to him again. He started being sweet, a loving dad for the kids, to convince me we should get back together. I wanted to be a family, so I believed in his fairytales, eventhough my gut feeling warned me. Nowadays I always trust my gut feeling, but I had to learn this the hard way, and paid a big price for not listening to this feeling.
This scenario repeated itself in summertime, and also the coming back and begging to be a family again. All again after I was shining again, and felt happy with myself. He did his best for a few weeks, and until that time I was the only one with custody of the kids. Why? Because in the pregnancy of our daughter he was violent and a friend of mine warned me, let him register as the father, but whatever you do: do not arrange the custody yet. If he proves himself you can do this any day. But know one thing: if he isn't sincere, he can take the kid and you can't do anything about it because he has custody.
I always remembered this in the back of my mind, and listened to my gut feeling, until that summer. I was the kind of person that did want to have faith, and they were his kids too. And he was doing his best, I thought it should be time to give him some slack. Eventhough he had said in the pregnancy of my little boy, that he didn't want to register as a father. I totally got lost in the good feeling he gave me during the summer when he just got back to us. I specificly told him: don't come back if you aren't sure, because our daughter is getting too confused and I don't want to dissapoint her again when you leave. So I thought he would be cinsere. In a instant moment I arranged the court papers for custody, what I could do online easily.
Big mistake, as soon as this paper fell on the doormat a few days later, he was showing his true intentions again. He started not coming home, drinking, fighting in front of the kids. And he got violent shortly after this. It was clear to me, he had waited for this moment to arrive that I arranged the custody papers from both the kids. Because later on I learned he had playing a very sick game with me, with the kids in the middle.
Shortly after our son turned one, he got so violent in front of him (against me) and pulling him screaming out of my hands, while he wanted to be fed by me. Jumping on top of me while he was finally sleeping, refused me and our son to be in the bedroom, where he was. We had to sleep on the couch 2 nights, where my little boy was screaming and in tears because he felt my fear of his dad coming down with his temper.
Days before this he had come home one evening and I got the advice (after an angry phonecall from him) to record the conversation when he would come home. And I did, 2 hours of him telling me about his plans to ruin me, to get me hospitalized and taking the kids. But also him having many witnesses to make sure police and child protective services will believe him, and putting me in a bad spot. That I don't have to think I can win (as if the kids are trophies) because he had people with power on his hand. At the time I kinda laughed about it (as in: hello I am the mother, you really think you can do this, get out of here) but I can tell you, that every word he told me back then, has come true. He really has connections through every part of the system, because the sick things that happened to us, are definately partly due to government support.
One saturday morning before he had to leave to work, he gave me a head-butt with my boy standing there next to us. And then he started yelling: "Are you really now making up that I gave you a head-butt? Really?? You really are crazy" And I only yelled, well you did! He thought I was recording this, I guess. He came close to my ear, I was scared to death at that point, as I saw the devil in his eyes minutes before this. He whispered: "This was only the beginning, I am not done with you yet" .
After he left to work people advised me to leave to a women's shelter with the kids, my oldest was still at her grandparents house, so I had time to arrange things. I left that evening only 10 minutes after (I found this out later) he arrived home. And normally he should have been working for several more hours. He never got home early.
When we arrived at the shelter, both kids fell a sleep right away, then I felt safe again. Little did I know what kind of trouble I got myself into now. It was only a facade this help in the shelter..
This was the beginning of even more trouble, and I should have never gone there...
Click here if you want to read my other posts during the most difficult years in my life:
I was homeless a few years ago, How to get back your inner strenght
Turning my experience of being homeless into something good
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All of my posts are posted when I find the strenght to write about that particular part of my life. Some events are extremely painfull to relive, and write down, therefore it will cost me a lot of energy, and tears to finish the post.
My posts will not apear in chronological order, so sometimes there may be a period of a few years in between this and the next or previous post. Don't be confused by that, this is to make sure I can cope with it. I found a way of coping with the pain and grieve in the last 1,5 year or so.
Before this period I was lost, and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. This is not so hard to understand, if you know what happened to us in a period of only a few years. Many people will not even experience this kind of horror in their whole lives. (Luckily!)
I plan on getting as much awareness as possible by sharing my story, and hope to help others open their eyes before things get out of hand. So your support is much appreciated! Resteeming too, of course.
Thank you for your support!
AnoukNox