Today I was thinking about my plans to start procedures as soon as I feel the case is good enough and everything is ready to present in court. And with brainstorming about this, of course I began to think about my two oldest children again.
Lately I've been having a hard time more often, because I am spending more time writing about the case and with that all the things that happened come to speak again. I tell parts of the story, write them down, polish it up again later, and start to think back. With the thinking back, often comes the feeling of reliving it, and my mind puts me back in time to that particular moment I was thinking about. I see it happening, and I feel the emotions that are connected to that event.
I wonder if the father of the children is still trying to speak bad about me to the children, or hopefully he won't find it necessary anymore as I am far away now. I am not in the area he wanted me to be, to harm me and scare me. I have taken control back and he can only hunt me in my nightmares. Unfortunately he does this quite often..
I really hope for the sake of the 2 sweethearts, he let the part of making me look bad go so that they aren't being brainwashed by him.
Especially my daughter appears in my dreams quite often, sometimes more clear than others. I guess this is because she is a strong soul. Sometimes it feels so real, holding her, kissing her, and just be with her. But I've had a weird experience too a while ago. I was having the best warm dream about the children, and all of the sudden my daughter let me go, and whispered: "sttttttt he is coming. I have to go now." When I looked at the alarm it was in the morning around 7.30 AM and I sort of felt like I connected with her in my dreams, and her father was there to wake her up, so she told me he was coming and she had to go. As if he could not know she was with me. Weird right?
Good work takes time, and I owe it to them to take that time!
These things can be comforting a lot, but at the same time it puts me straight back in reality and I often cry my eyes out after something like this happens. Luckily after a good cry I am relieved again, and I can go on again. It is difficult finding a right balance between my actual life here now with my boyfriend and our youngest daughter, and the life that I had to leave behind and where I am preparing a case for. Because I miss those 2 so much, that of course I'd rather start it today, to try to see them as soon as possible, but in reality I know this will only make my chances worse because I know I have to be fully 200% sure that I have every piece of evidence in order, every detail that needs to be said written down, and I can't take the risk of evidence getting suspended.
It's not only the father that I am up against, but also CPS / government
I will not only be up against the father (which would be bad enough on its own) but I am also up against a corrupt system that I have told before that I will blow the whistle soon. And that didn't really get the reaction we hoped for, instead of them admitting their mistakes and fixing them, they even made our life much worse than it was. So I am preparing carefully, and still not ready to search for specific professionals that I will be needing for the preparation of the case.
I can't afford to make mistakes getting the wrong people on board
I am afraid that when I look for them now, those people will not be able to help me when the time has arrived to start the process. And I can't put that amount of effort in trusting people with my sensitive case when I am not sure they will be able to help me at the right time. I have dealt with a lawyer for example, that made me put pieces of evidence in order days in a row, and then 5 minutes before the hearing tell me that he didn't have it on time to use in the case... And I still have a hard time trusting new people also, because I don't want these details to get in the wrong hands. I really am very careful with this nowadays. I have to, there's a lot at stake! My children..
One day the puzzle will be complete
My hope is that all the diaries, detailed documentation I wrote about will let them understand in the future that I had to do this my way. Because all the other ways did not work, and were not in theirs and our favor. I have to trust my own gut feeling, and trust my abilities to make this work, but not only get them back, I will fight until things are set straight. They ripped apart our family, while a few days before I had to hand them over to the father and his mother, they were giving my boyfriend the cutest fathers day ever. We both still are in tears if we speak/write about it. The contrast is so big.
Remain focused
I have to remain focused, but also need to find a balance for the harder days that hit me emotionally. I told myself that it's not a bad thing to have an off-day, and it's ok to feel sad a day, or cry a lot. They are a part of my life, and I miss them. It would be weird if I didn't feel this way. But I also have to get myself together quickly when I look at my youngest, because she can't do anything about it, it's not her fault she is not together with her older brother and sister. And she would have loved to have them with us too. For her I got to be the strongest person I can be. Because she deserves that too.
Note to myself: Don't blame yourself anymore for things you could'n see coming or control. Take blame for the fact you at least kept trying to be a family, and for the lessons you had to learn the hard way. Life is about falling down sometimes, making mistakes, and learn from them. You are a good mother, and you made those mistakes only because you believed in people and the system that was supposed to help the children, not ripping the family apart. Now you know how things really work in the world, and anticipate on that knowledge, because knowledge is power! They love you too, because you are their mother!
AnoukNox