Fear of failure.
I have been thinking a lot recently about my role in my son's life as a father, a guide, and a friend. Am I doing good enough? Why am I so stressed out so often? What if horrible situation "A" happens and it is all my fault? What if horrible situation "B" happens and it is all my fault? Is he developing and thriving healthily, emotionally and physically?
As I am staring out the window here in the local Starbucks, and he is at his Montessori school (which tuition is paid for by Steem, thank you very much) I am seeing now that perhaps all this "working" is in fact unnecessary. Him seeing me so nervous all the time, and so stressed out because I want to give him the best life, and be the best dad is going to stress him out, and severely diminish my capacity to be an open, happy and loving daddy, right?
I should just fall back and accept my place as a human being--fallible, with a very limited realm of control, and doing my best. After all, this is what will ultimately set him free to be himself. I mean, I grew up seeing my dad as uptight as hell about everything. Almost constantly worried, depressed, and anxious. I guess I picked this up as the way one is supposed to deal with life.
What does that do to a kid? I remember feeling like it was my responsibility to make my dad happy, because he seemed so sad. When I couldn't do it, I felt it was my fault. You know, I would have rather him fucked up majorly here and there and been happy and free than to have been consumed by worry and emotionally unavailable (to both himself and me).
When a kid sees that their parent has accepted life, for better or for worse, with a free, open, and positive attitude, and accepts that some things are just out of our realm of control as humans, the kid is then free to develop and take ownership of his or herself, without feeling a sense of responsibility for the parent's well-being, or receiving the message that life is to be "controlled" through fear or worry.
I feel, upon thinking here, that I really need to lighten up. Stop worrying. Accept that life is full of risk, but is also very wonderful, and STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. I have to be myself, and own my own thoughts, my own actions, and my own choices for better or for worse--not seeking to control that which I cannot at all, or blame anyone or anything in order to excuse myself from the self-responsibility of being a unique, inimitable, and totally alone (only ourselves can truly know our own joys and pains) and self-responsible human being subject to the all the wonderful, thrilling, painful, profound, beautiful, healing, damaging, lovely, toxic, fascinating, happy, strange and scary things this planet has to offer to us little guys (we are all children at heart, after all).
It is then, and only then, that my son will have the message reinforced that he is free to be himself, and that who he is needs not be defined by anyone else's expectations, even--and especially--his dad's.
I don't need to be "perfect." Trying for it just seems to make everything so much less perfect, anyway, doesn't it?
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)
