In my experience, co-workers (co-ws) are prone to wanting conversations. This is a behaviour that introverts have to navigate daily. Co-ws use many tactics to exercise their jaw-wagging muscles, but fear not! There are ways to thwart their efforts, leaving them blissfully speechless. I have tried and tested some of these methods myself with varying degrees of success.

Let's go.

Bait and switch

Co-ws will trick the unsuspecting introvert into chitchat with this method. They open the conversation with something work-related. The poor introvert, feeling obliged by their employment contract, responds accordingly and engages in work-related discourse. The wily co-w, seeing they have broken through the introvert's chat-barrier, seizes the opportunity to discuss their marriage, another co-w or their horoscope that day. Worse – they could open their camera roll and start sharing pictures of their children.

No introvert wants to be in this position.

IMPORTANT

NEVER let anybody know your schedule or habits!

If nobody knows where you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to be doing, you are free to go with whatever excuse you want to use:

• 'I've got a meeting in five minutes'
• 'On my way to orient the new staff'
• 'I have explosive diarrhoea' (classic)

I once witnessed a beautifully executed, 'I have to pray to Allah now.' Oh how I wished I hadn't shared my atheistic leanings and could escape to the prayer room whenever 'god said so'. What a perfect escape plan! I was in awe.

But, what if you're stuck in an office or commercial environment with the co-ws and have no way to escape?

Recruit and Dump

This one works most of the time. When the co-w approaches you, IMMEDIATELY include another co-w in the conversation, letting them do most of the work. You often can't remove yourself physically without first easing them into the idea you're not needed in the conversation. This must be done gradually.

Method

• Withdraw verbally at first by reducing the actual word count to 'uh-h' and 'oh'. That sort of thing. Try not to sound too encouraging though.

• Replace all sounds with nods.

• They may try to prompt you to join back in. Avoid succumbing to this or you will have to go back to step one again. If they try to get more than a few words out of you, it's time to...

• look at your watch, mumble something, then make your exit.

They'll be okay; they've got each other now.

Subscribe to a stupid belief

This is where some off-kilter belief system can be your friend. You don't have to actually believe it but it's worth learning this technique for an unrelenting co-w.

So, if you have a co-w infesting your mind-space, turn it back in their face. Talk about your belief that – say – the British royal family are actually a hybrid race of lizard-aliens that sacrifice and eat babies.

Do a bit of research, get some 'facts' on your new 'belief'. You will need to elaborate. Yes, I know this is conversation – and we want to avoid that – but look at it as an investment. You're in this for the long haul. And, hell, you may even start to enjoy the game. If you do this well, the co-w, like conditioning Pavlov's dog, will learn to chat elsewhere.

The co-w will attempt to derail you and steer the conversation where they want it to go. Do not allow this! Every turn must be met with a persistent counter-attack until you have firm hold of the conversational reins.

Method

Co-w: Did you hear the gossip...

You: Oh, before you start, listen to this (*insert elaborate belief).

Co-w: But, have you heard...

You: Tell me in a minute (*continue story, laughing inside because you know you'll eat up all their chat time)

Co-w: Aw, look... opens camera roll

You: already have camera roll open (pre-loaded with 'evidence' of new belief)

Co-w: I have explosive diarrhoea

You will know it's working when your co-w starts implementing some of our techniques here. Success!

Warning: this could backfire if co-ws start to believe the same shit. Make sure your 'facts' are too incredible to swallow or that you are generally unconvincing in some way.

Honesty

The best tactic, though, is honesty. If their chat causes you to lose concentration, or fall behind on what you need to do, then it's okay to say so. The majority of co-ws will respect this.

Sometimes a co-w doesn't respect this and continues with chat.

Method

• Yawn loudly in their face EVERY time they try to discuss fluff.

The majority of co-ws are incredibly sensitive to this technique and will, over time, reduce their chat to a manageable level.

Quick overview of other techniques:

Postpone

Tell the co-w you can talk in – say – an hour, when you get this or that done. By then, their urge will have subsided considerably or they will forget your promise.

Offensive sights

Wear a colour/pattern that's known to be offensive to the offending co-w.

Routine

Learn the co-w's routine. Be unavailable at times they display maximum sociability.

Deaf

Wear earphones. They don't have to be playing anything, but co-ws don't need to know that. If they try to interrupt, thinking it's 'only music', press pause and tell them you're in the middle of a meaty chapter on child sacrifice and need to get it finished. Often, chatty co-ws are impulsive and need to unload banter in the now. By the time you've 'finished your chapter' they will have spent themselves on someone else.

Exercise

Lunch break. You don't need to talk when eating, but there's maybe another forty minutes of gaping space to fill. Take up walking or skateboarding in your lunch break. If the co-w wants to join you, make sure you go either too slow or too fast for their comfort. It'll put them off joining you next time.

Techniques that DON'T WORK and/or cause more conversations

Props

Mugs/ desk signs/ posters that say 'fuck off' or 'please don't talk to me' actually don't work. They have the opposite effect. Co-ws will ask questions about any sort of prop to wiggle their way into a chat situation. It's a disaster AND a waste of money.

Ignoring

This kinda works but causes hostility in the long run. Hostility can result in conversations higher up the food chain so it's best avoided.

Smells

Creating a bad smell can be very effective in the short term. Nobody wants to be in chat-range of someone who reeks of pungent body odour or farts. This is only to be used sparingly, in emergencies, unless you want to become the next hot topic of conversation.

Note

If you want to befriend any of your co-ws, you will need to occasionally get involved with conversations. It's better if you initiate conversation about things you're actually interested in. See who you vibe with and take it from there.

Thanks for reading.

Over to you.

What techniques do you use?

See Part 1: How to avoid conversation with THE SPOUSE for more introvert tips.

Today's post was inspired by @eonwarped. Go and check him out.