I need to preface today's free write with a warning.
It's a rough piece written from where my heart is right now. The prompt actually reminded me to take the vitamin that I had with me at the coffee shop. It definitely got me to chuckle. I tried to turn my head a different direction, to think of a story that would catch attention, get people to smile, maybe even wonder what's coming next after that last period. But, alas. My head is not in that place, at least for this prompt.
For me it was a kind of stream of thought. A deep frustration after suffering from a disease for a long time. It's not the story of my life, I don't want to become the center point for who I am. In fact, I refuse to let it be. I don't want to become, Mike, that depressed guy. Because that's not who I am. Those who know me, who have taken the time to get to know me, know that is far from the truth as you can get. But it has infected every aspect of my brain and I am just, well, tired. The last several days have been especially rough. And, like I've said numerous times, for now the writing I'm doing is for me. And for those of you who wish to be along for the ride ;)
So, before I blab on too much, like a teenager doing a 'dear diary,' feel free to read on...
I popped the vitamin in my mouth
Having almost forgotten putting in my pocket. My mind this gray mush, a long lasting cold that refused to go away, a heavy blanket muddling thoughts from disturbed sleep. I don't even remember the dreams, but I know my body was tossing and turning all night. My shoulders are sore.
It's a dark place, depression. You don't want to be there, but getting out is like trying to climb up a greased ladder. You make it up one rung, another, perhaps a third, then whoosH you fall back. Maybe the next time you make it up to the 4th or 5th rung. Then, again flat on your back at the bottom. The next time, maybe only the second rung.
The vitamins might help.
I read somewhere Vitamin B in some of its forms can help restore a bit of balance to the brain. And, at this point I'm willing to try anything. Except the things that might actually help me. Which, to those outside the loop might not get. I mean, if you're sick, why don't you just get help?
If only it were that simple. The lines you begin to paint inside your own head aren't massive walls meant to keep wandering hordes out (or in), but just stripes of color on a blank floor. But they hold more power than you will ever know. Unless you've taken the elevator all the way down.
No one wants to be here but getting out is easier said than done. It's like a prison. You know you're in it, but someone forgot to tell you how long the sentence was going to be and getting out for good behaviour just doesn't seem to work. The unknown end making each attempt harder and harder.
Then I read a reply by @snook
To one of my comments on a different post I wrote. I had replied to something she had said with something about my black dog needing a walk. In in response she gave me a reply that brought some tears to my eyes...Check it out here if you want
It reminded me that there are people out there that care, even if they have no real reason to. Well, I think anyone who's been through something like this will do their best to help others they run across who are suffering. Because, seriously, no human should have to feel these kinds of things for this long. And to let others suffer...I can't even imagine.
We get lost in our own worlds of depression.
Seemingly endless vistas of suffering. Clouds gray, they become familiar to us, and the idea of them parting to reveal a brilliant sky above, a possible future of a different kind, well, let's just say we begin to take everything good with a grain of salt.
I don't write this to garner sympathy. I write this because I hope that it will either help someone else going through this to realize that there are those out there who will help, or to help those who just don't understand what depression is. I may not be able to imagine a warm sunrise in my future right now, one where the ever present dark cloud that is my black dog doesn't demand as much attention, but I can believe in the people around me that know I will pass through these times. That's pretty much all I can do on days like this. Keep moving, and keep trying.
Thanks to all of you out there
Who have been leaving bits of your heart on my posts trying to help :) Big hugs to all of you doing your best to help someone lost in the dark find the light.
The header pic was shot while on a backpacking trip to Cambodia. I chose it because of the color and that feeling of being on an island, isolated. But, knowing there is a boat just out of frame that's heading there ;)
