The Awakening came late after many years of abuse

not physically but mentally

I had this thought of a relationship that for me meant so much.

▪️Love and honesty
▪️sharing everything
▪️support each other
▪️Respect and trust
▪️Meeting halfway
▪️Fun

Just some of the things that I didn't think was to much to ask for.
The first few years we got to know each other and everything was new and we were happy and took care of each other and it felt like anything was possible.

But somewhere along the way something changed and you started to blame me whenever you had a bad day.
You Chased on me whenever you got a chance and for things that wasn't my fault.
You yelled at me and called me things that really stuck (Hate you for that)
Anf for some reason after a while I started feeling guilty about things that I hadn't done and felt like it was my fault cause you made me feel that way.
And whenever you felt bad I apologized even though I knew I had nothing to do with it.

I always putted everyone before myself and you putted yourself first to in every situation.
After a while it was like I disappeared, was invisible and worth nothing.
When it was my birthday or valentines day or any other you always said you have to earn if you gonna get anything and do you really think you're worth it?
I actually started to believe that I didn't.

I stopped asking for things and stopped saying no to his every wish but I was completely numb and got to a point that I just walked through the day like a zombie not caring or feeling anything but sadness and disappointment in life.

Is this my life forever? Mabye his right I'm not worth anything and doesn't deserve the things I wish for.
It got worse after that and you completely drained me from all my energy and love and dreams....You almost killed me

My family and friends noticed as I wasn't smiling anymore and the light in my eyes were gone.
Well I had no light in my life except for my cat Elvis who was my lifeline to be honest.

Then one day he came home with flowers and kissed me and said he loved me and I knew something was wrong. this never happened

Then I found out he had cheated on me and I actually felt something for the first time in years.

Relief

I finally had an excuse to walk away and without feeling guilty about it. Was like a blessing!

That was the day I walked away and left everything behind and chose Life!
Best decision of my Life 😊
I could finally take a real breath without heartache.

I started to recover and from the love and support of my family and friends I realized that I was worth much better and I mattered.
I started to get angry for all those years I did so much and got Nothing back.
All the draining and words that hurt like knives I wished I could give back to make him understand what he did.
But then I got to the conclusion that it didn't matter, he was the one with problems and it was not my fault and he couldn't se his own responsibility in anything.
So I did let it go.

But then came the

Afterchock

A big sorry and he couldn't live without me and he understand now and we should try again and I actually felt sorry for him and I almost caved.
But I got that lump in the stomach back and I just couldn't go back to that so I said no and that he had to live his own life and I mine.

I felt guilty but I got over it and then I got angry again and who does he think he is?
Don't I deserve a happy life? Why does he want to hurt me so much?
Screw him 😡 no more!

So time passed and I started to live again and actually learned a lot about myself and found my way back to ME!
Laughing again and smiling, helping others and got appreciated that was a bubbly feeling and compliments (still working on taking it without blushing 😊😁)

Loving life and appreciate the little things and I se things so much clearer and realizing that in a hard time it's like walking around blindfolded, for me that was the case.

We all matter and we are all worth the best life have to offer and happiness is a good choice!

OK I really hope I haven't been a buzz kill as this was a little heavy I know, but really felt like a well needed writing and sharing some part of your life can be really hard.