Depression - A Trigger Prompt
I'm happy to report that I am far from this valley now, but I am no stranger to it's murky depths.
I spent decades in a very bad place with a very unkind person who spent his days and nights keeping me in line and proportionately reducing my already fragile self-esteem.
I never thought of myself as prone to depression, but it's very hard when you take an emotional battering day and night for decades being told how worthless you are to maintain a positive self-image.
I can tell you about the day that I ran from my abuser and hid in weeds under an abandoned car for hours and cried like a forsaken child. Or I could tell you about another time that I ran barefoot in the snow to an unused hunting camp 1/4 mile into the woods from my house after putting my kindergarten daughter on the bus in the snow during a violent arguement.
I can tell you about the time I contemplated suicide while my husband was out drinking and running around with other women. I thought about the two toddlers tucked in their beds and I couldn't think of a way to kill myself where my babies would not find me.
Or I could tell you about years later on June 14,1997 when I lost my beautiful, musical, talented mother through her violent suicide three days after my birthday, and about her two loving sisters who committed suicide years before, both in terrible violent ways.
I confess I went through this world in a huge emotional vacuum of my soul feeling the sharpest pain I have ever experienced in my life after her death, still with my abuser and no comforter. I can tell you about the loss of a parent you adore at their own hand and how I dreaded my birthday each subsequent year.
I could tell you how seeing posts of the unexpected suicide of Anthony Bourdain pushed me off of Facebook this morning as soon as I opened it like a firebrand to the heart.
But I choose to tell you about my victories... about my beautiful family, two sisters and a brother who we are flying to see in Buffalo this evening and about my wonderful relationship with Jeff whose unflagging love and support has come so unexpectedly into my life.
I choose to tell you about my friends, my family and those who have been with me from the beginning and never turned away from me, who helped me leave that abuser, in spite of the fact that they did not understand the things that I was going through.
I can tell you that I know the power of depression because I witnessed it first-hand over and over in my life, but I choose to tell you about the power of love and forgiveness and about God who somehow, someway sustained me through some of the worst horrors I have ever experienced.
I can tell you about joy because only when you lose deeply do you truly understand how much you have been overwhelmingly blessed with.
I can tell you that writing this prompt was done through a veil of tears trickling down my cheeks for those losses which l experienced, but very seldom do I allow myself to feel them or slide back into that self-destructive hole that took away some of the most beautiful people that I've known and loved.
Today, Jeff and I picked up from the hospital someone close who spent a couple of nights there after contemplating suicide over hard setbacks in their life.
Love thyself. Leave your legacy in kindness and help.
You are worthy of love and precious in the eyes of God and no one can ever fill your shoes.
Make your mark with your unique style and talents.
The world is a better place because you are in it.
1-800-273-8255
24/7 Suicide Prevention Hotline
This is my 5 minute freewrite hosted by @mariannewest.
Today's prompt depression
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art and flair courtesy of @PegasusPhysics
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