When I was younger, I was kind of an... idiot. When I look back at my teenage years, I shake my head and wonder in amazement how I could possibly be a (somewhat) functioning member of society today.
If McLovin were real, do you think he'd be a contributing member of society? I do!
One strategy that helped me to survive all of the incredibly stupid things I had done was to consistently stick to one basic guideline. I constantly told myself, "Don't do anything that can't be undone." Although this left a significant amount of room to still do foolish things, at least I had some type of limit.
One thing that that I knew "can't be undone" would be going to jail. Don't get me wrong, I am no criminal. But I did do quite a few things that might qualify as "disturbing the peace" (at the very least).
Whenever my friends and I were acting like complete idiots, and the police needed to get involved (in a very minor way) I became the official spokesman for the group. Perhaps because of my mantra of "don't do anything that can't be undone", I developed the uncanny ability to immediately snap into "respectful and logical mode" when it came time for an officer of the law to stop us from "disturbing the peace"... or whatever other nonsense we were up to.
I could usually talk our group out of any pickle we found ourselves in (we weren't doing anything that bad anyway).
Unfortunately, there were a few occasions where one of my "genius" friends decided to usurp my role as official spokesman.
Maybe I wasn't as good as McLovin... but I was miles ahead of my goofball friends.
Here's an example...
When I was 16, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. On the previous occasion, I went into "respectful and logical mode" and was able to talk my way out of the ticket (which I deserved). However, on this occasion, my buddy Ed thought it would brilliant if he played 16 year old lawyer from the passenger seat of my car.
As the officer approached my mom's car, I kept my hands at 10:00 and 2:00 on the wheel. When he arrived at my window, I smiled politely and said, "Good evening officer. What can I do..."
Ed cut me off.
My pal shouted, "We'd like to see the radar buddy!"
What? No we wouldn't. I was definitely speeding. I don't need confirmation of that!
As the words hung in the air, the police officer's expression changed. For some reason, he didn't like being yelled at by a 16 year old kid in the passenger seat of a car he just caught speeding.
My friend clearly had no idea.
The officer politely obliged and showed that I was indeed traveling 13 mph over the speed limit of 55 mph.
I thanked the officer and handed him my license. As the officer's expression softened, I thought I might still have a chance to talk my way out of this one.
Wrong!
Ed decided he was not done pleading my case (or more accurately begging for me to get a ticket).
Ed shouted (why the heck was he yelling?), "Yeah. Well that doesn't mean anything. These things don't work. They clocked a tree doing 70 mph once."
The officer squinted a little, cocked his head, looked at Ed inquisitively and said, "That was in Florida".
Still not convinced that he had assured that I would end up paying a $125 fine (that I didn't have) Ed responded, "Are trees faster in Florida?"
He did have a point... and I was pretty certain that now I had a ticket.
Let's see. This is a $1 fine for speeding and a $124 fine for transporting a jackass in the passenger seat.
Nothing else needed to be said. The police officer politely smiled, wrote the ticket, handed it to me and said, "Have a great night. Drive carefully... and look out for those 70 mph trees."
Lesson learned. If you would like to ensure that your buddy gets a ticket, be a smart ass to the police officer.
So I got a $125 fine and the officer got a funny story to tell his buddies.
Thanks Ed!
"Are trees faster in Florida?"
Jackass!
Now it is your turn.