Greetings loyal followers.
I just returned to my office and my assistant Vera, who is simply a natural wonder and a gift from the planet, informed me that many of you have sent transmissions enquiring why I have not sent any recent transmissions.
Well, recently I met this inhabitant of your planet...
Sith and Juice... Laid back.
This guy is freaking awesome. I swear he is the funniest person I have ever met. Everything he said and did just made me laugh and laugh and laugh.
This one time when we were hanging out, he said "glove" and we could not stop laughing. Just in the middle of everything, out of nowhere, he said it. That dude is hilarious. We giggled for like 10 minutes straight. Then we got really serious for a second. We both realized that "glove". Is really "g" plus "love". That is deep. He went on to explain what a "G" is and why they deserve love... but I forgot what he said. But I know it was epic.
For some reason, just being in contact with him made me feel so calm... and hungry. Really really hungry.
That is actually why I have been gone for so long. I think we met at some kind of garage or something. I don't really remember why I was there but I think it had something to do with picking up a motorcycle or ice cream truck or something.
After just hanging out in his general vicinity for a while, I started to just feel good. For the first time in years, it was if every inch of my scarred body was not in agonizing pain. I can't explain it. Just being in contact with him seemed to lift my spirits higher than they had been since I kissed that girl near that one lake on that one planet. Curses! What was her name? Where were we at?
Whatever.
It was the best I had felt in years. It was as if I was walking on air. I mean literally walking on air. Because if you think about it, unless you are in space, there is air between your foot and the ground. Think about it.
Anyway... when I was near him I didn't have a care in the world.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah why I was gone.
After hanging out for a while, I started getting hungrier and hungrier. I tried to ask people if there were Ewoks nearby but every time I started to ask, I thought about how funny they look while they are being roasted and I couldn't stop laughing long enough to ask. Then I started thinking about how weird the word 'Ewok" sounds and I forgot what I was doing.
Out of nowhere, that dude came up to me and said, "Do you want to go back to my house? I have some Funyuns there."
I said , "Funyuns. F uuu nnnn yyyy uuuu nnn sssssssssssssssssssss. Funny ens. Funny ens. Funny ens." As I tried to concentrate on that word, he said "Let's roll."
I replied, "Fo shizzle" and followed him to his limo. We jumped in and headed to his basement.
Time to get my Funyuns on!
When we got there, he gave me some Funyuns. Oh my Maker! Have you ever tried them? You have to try them! They are amazing. I have never tasted anything so perfect.
After polishing off a few bags of those amazing treats, he put on some music. I think he sensed something about me so he chose this album...
The ability to create sound using a laser is insignificant to the power of vinyl.
Have you ever heard it? It's incredible. I have never heard anything so intense and awesome (except for my own voice... which also sounded way cooler when I was around him). It was perfection. You could practically taste each and every note. It was like my bones were dipped in sound and then put back into my body.
Then he put on this movie...
That little furry thing looks delicious... actually so does the big one.
It was terrifying! It was the scariest thing I have ever seen... and I have seen The Emperor naked!
While we were watching the movie, the phone rang. I said, "Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What if that is The Emperor? If it is, he'll come here and take all of our Funyuns. He never lets me have anything nice. I had a wife once and..."
Then the phone rang again.
I said, "Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. No seriously wait. I know that is the Emperor. Don't answer it!"
Then I thought, "But what if he knows I'm here and I don't answer it? Then he'll know I'm eating Funyuns without him. We better answer it. No! Don't".
This went on for six and a half hours.
When we finally answered it, no one was there. Stupid prank callers scared the crap out of me!
Darth's not here man.
After that scare, he and I just sat on the couch staring at a blank TV.
Then I covered the TV with my cape in order to make sure The Emperor wasn't watching me through it. That made us feel better and we started to laugh about that one time the phone rang and we were too scared to answer it.
I'm not sure how long I have been gone but it seemed like quite a while.
Why did I finally decide to leave?
We ran out of Funyuns.
That's a funny word.
You have to try these! No seriously. You seriously have to try these. Seriously.
Images
Sith and juice
Haters
Limo
Dark Side
Oz
Phone
Funyuns