I usually write a lot of happy go lucky stuff, or stick mostly to fiction. Today is a day for sharing some of the other side of my reality. I work through my emotional/mental stuff through writing… and here is part of that process from an experience that I had (and wrote through) yesterday.
“What is wrong with me?” This has been a thought going through my head far too often lately when I try to get involved in group activities.
I guess I’ve never been a very social person. I’m good at getting up on stage in front of ten, 20 or even 500 people with no qualms whatsoever. I can even do so with no preparation whatsoever and I’m fine. It not only doesn’t stress me out or make me anxious,
It actually leaves me feeling totally energized and pumped up.
However, you put me in a room with people and expect me to interact in any way shape or form, or apparently even just listen to other people talking and I become a mess. Like a crazy, stressed out, filled with raging anxiety, stomach in knots MESS.
I’m not even talking about being in a room with strangers. That might be easier. I can ignore people like the plague and blend into the background until I’m nearly invisible. I did it all through high school.
The funny thing (or maybe it’s just odd and sad and not funny at all) is that I thought of myself as the sociable person who was always longing for friends… and my husband was the anti-social one who just wanted to be alone or with just the two of us.
I just find most interactions with people to be incredibly draining or anxiety producing for some reason. One on one, I’m fine. I like to ‘chat’ online or talk with a friend one on one. As soon as other people come into the mix, though, I start feeling like I just want to leave. I can’t sit still and participate in even a small group chat or online conversation without feeling like I just need to GO.
Even with people I like, hell, people I LOVE… after spending a solid chunk of time together, I am emotionally completely and utterly drained and exhausted.
I know that part of this is just who I am, that I am heavily empathic and tend to just absorb all of the energy/emotions of those around me. I’m willing to do this for my kids. For a few close friends and one on one, it doesn’t bother me half as much, but I still try to keep my interactions limited.
I think this is why discord just isn’t sitting well with me. I just can’t keep up. I thought I just needed to learn how to use it, how to chat and get the feel of a particular room (channel???) or something.
Nope. That’s not it. I have joined a couple and I participate by clicking through links and commenting on blog posts, but chats? No. I have tried several time to join into group chats and it just doesn’t… work. I just can’t seem to jump in, I don’t speak in short little one liners and I can’t keep up with the multitude of various topics that fly by. I’m rarely ever interested in small talk or the types of ‘fun’ kind of back and forth banter that most people seem to find relaxing and entertaining, bonding, what have you. It all just makes me feel tense.
Today I tried to join in a voice chat with a small group of people that I would consider friends discussing a project that is very much on my heart. A project that I am passionate about and that I want to help support. It started out well enough, but literally within minutes I was starting to feel anxious. Like I just needed to get up and pace. Walk. Leave the chat room. Go somewhere else. I forced myself to stay engaged and listen.
I didn’t have a lot to add to the conversation, as I’m mostly there to learn more at this stage of the game, but I listened. Nothing was said that was stressful. There was nothing crazy, not a lot of people talking at once or anything that I would expect to be stressful. There was no arguing or even anyone with an annoying voice. Nothing that should be bothersome.
I. HAD. TO. LEAVE.
I quickly said I needed to go and literally jumped up off of the computer. I went to the bathroom (to get away from all humans, including the ones in my house, who weren’t even talking to me at that moment!) and then paced around the house, got some food hoping that would calm me, paced some more and then sat down thinking that I’d read for a bit.
Nope, my stomach was in chaos. Turmoil was rolling around in my stomach like I’d just swallowed straight espresso by the gallon. I felt like everything inside of me was ramping up by ten thousand, while on the outside, I was doing nothing. NOTHING. Just sitting and staring, clicking from tab to tab, hoping for something to distract me, but nothing was even registering with my brain.
I finally picked up my bullet journal, some colored pencils and just started doodling. This has been my "go to" lately for relaxing and unplugging from all online things.
Still the anxiety was dogging me. I wasn’t even enjoying what is normally a relaxing hobby.
My first reaction? I wanted to drop out of the group. Never do a freewrite again, just to avoid having to “face” any of the people in that group again… even though none of them probably even had a clue what I was doing or feeling or thinking, because I didn’t share any of it with anyone. I knew that wasn't the answer and absolutely NOT what I wanted to do! I LOVE this group and this project. I want to help with the things they are doing!
That’s where the biggest challenge comes in.
Talking to people stresses me out, so talking to someone about the fact that talking to people stresses me out? Not terribly conducive to feeling less stressed.
So anyway, that’s where I’ve found myself thus far on this new ‘social’ journey. I’m working on finding ways to rejuvenate myself emotionally, ways to kind of guard myself a little so I’m not just wide open absorbing everything around me in every single encounter… and maybe I can learn how to socialize again without it completely and utterly draining me for hours on end.
As it was, it literally took me about 5-6 hours of hardcore self care before I was feeling back to myself again. I don’t understand the why of it, but it’s definitely a fact of being me.
Even though I’m old and I feel like I should have figured this out about myself long ago… I was busy. Busy raising kids. Busy dealing with other pretty significant emotional trauma from my past. Busy just living and dealing with bipolar/depression and insomnia… so basically, anything like this just got piled in the stack of “I’m depressed/overly tired/stressed from my issues” and I never even thought to try and figure it out.
Plus, I just generally avoided social situations. It’s pretty easy to ignore the fact that social situations cause you all kinds of anxiety if you rarely ever deal with group social activities or situations... So now I'm trying to be more attentive to myself, my reactions and finding out what helps me in situations like these. I don't know that I'm getting it all right, yet, but I'm aware of it and for me that is the first step.
If you struggle with any of these things, I'd love to hear what helps you feel better in the moment or even afterwards when you realize that you're feeling completely overwhelmed or exhausted from social interaction.
Now back to regularly scheduled creative writing and more humorous fun stuff... because honestly, THAT makes me feel better, too!