I read an etiquette column yesterday that appalled me. A man was doing something terrible to his wife.
What awful crime against humanity was he committing? He was leading her to believe he would adopt a child with her, going through the paperwork and everything, when he had no intention of actually following through with it.
He actually asked the etiquette columnist at what point he should tell his wife he wasn't going to go through with the adoption they'd started.
Excuse me? What?
My first thought was, "What kind of monster lets his wife think he is going to adopt a child with her, when he really has no intention of doing it?"
The etiquette columnist pretty much told him the same thing.
That would damn sure be a deal-breaker in a relationship for me. The man writing to the columnist pretty much believed it would be for his marriage, too. He was strangely okay with it. Okay, so he's a douche, and she's better off without him. Easy enough.
But, then I started looking at some of the comments, and it became clear that there's a distinct lack of compassion for women who desperately want to have a child, and can't, or are having difficulty with it. Honestly, I was kind of disgusted with a lot of the attitudes of the commenters.
Walk a Mile in Someone's Shoes Before Opening Your Mouth
As someone who has, and IS, going through this very thing myself, let me tell you that unless you've been through it, too, you have NO idea what it's like to long for a child of your own and continually fail to get pregnant, or miscarry over and over. Don't pretend you know what it's like to be in our shoes, because you don't.
As women who are struggling to conceive, we must deal with a lot.
There's the matter of putting on a smile when your friends announce they are pregnant, wanting to be happy for them, but feeling such pain at the knowledge of your own empty womb at the same time.
There's crying, either silently or out loud, every time you get your period, because you were hoping THIS time would be different.
There's turning sex into a chore instead of a joy, because each and every time you do it, it has to be about conceiving. Otherwise, what's the point? Yes, this is actually an attitude we develop, justified or not.
There's spending a vast fortune on fertility doctor appointments and treatments, and the crushing disappointment when they don't work. Meanwhile, your bank account gets lower and your debts rise, all in pursuit of that longed-for child.
Words Are Just as Painful as Sticks and Stones
There's a lot more. But among the more upsetting things we have to deal with are comments from friends and family that are often like the ones I saw on that etiquette column. These are comments that cause us real emotional pain, and make us feel more alone than ever, because they illustrate quite clearly that those closest to us have no idea how we feel and how this is affecting us.
Sometimes they may want to understand and just can't, because they haven't been there. Other times, they think we're being unreasonable for wanting a child so much.
Infertility is a health issue, and it's a crime that insurance companies don't treat it as such, so more women could have access to fertility treatments. It's part of the culture of looking at having a child as a luxury....and yet, at the same time, women who deliberately choose to not have children are labeled selfish.
Those comments cause the child-free-by-choice women pain, too, by the way.
While you can't understand what it's like for a woman struggling with infertility, you CAN show her some damn compassion as a fellow human being who is in emotional turmoil, whether you think it's justified or not.
And, by the way, it is NOT for you to judge. Her experience is her own, and her feelings, whatever they are, are valid in every sense of the word.
If you'd like to be more compassionate toward women who are struggling with infertility, here are some things you should definitely avoid saying to them. These statements just make us feel worse. Do you really want to compound our misery?
I would hope not.
If You Really Care About the Infertile Women in the World, Please Don't Say These Things to Them
1. Get a Dog
How about go fuck yourself? People who say this are insensitive bastards of the highest order. And, you'd be surprised how often I've heard it directed at me, or seen it posted in comments on infertility articles online. It just shows the world is full of jerks.
Look, I've got four cats, and I adore them. I'd fill up my house with pets if it wouldn't cause a public health hazard, and God help anyone who threatens or mistreats my cats, or any animal, in front of me. I love them SO much, and can't imagine not having them. But is it the same as having children? Absolutely not. It's not even remotely close. Do the people who say these things have no feelings of compassion at all? Geez.
2. You Can Always Volunteer With Children
Yeah, that's not going to work. I not only volunteered with children, I worked with them as a teacher for many years in my 20's. It's working with children that made me decide for sure that I wanted my own. Working or volunteering with children is a nice thing to do, but it isn't going to fill the emotional void for a woman who just wants some little person to call her "mom."
3. Spend More Time with the Other Children in Your Family
Again, a nice thought, and something you should probably do to develop a relationship with those kids. But, it's still not the same as having your own child. I helped RAISE three step-sons, totally hands-on. One of them lived with me full-time, and two spent every other weekend, and most summers and school holidays with me.
I cooked for them, I played games with them, I helped them with their homework, I chaperoned their field trips at school. I totally did the mom thing for them, and, when they were little, they called me "mom." They all still call or text me on Mother's Day.
That's nice. It's really nice, actually. And, I truly do appreciate it. I love those boys. But, they have other mothers. I'm not the primary one. And, their main loyalties will always be to those primary mothers, not me.
It's the same if you're spending time with and/or helping to raise nieces, nephews, cousins, or any other child who is not yours. You may love them, and they may love you, but it is NOT THE SAME THING as having your own. It doesn't feel the same, either.
4. Put Your Focus into Hobbies
Sorry. Hobbies are great, and everyone should have at least one. But indulging in them more is NOT going to take away the pain of not having a child to call your own.
5. Develop a Stronger Social Life
It is true that having friends is good for us, and scientific studies have shown it can increase longevity. Will it provide some happiness to the infertile woman? Yes. This is especially true if she develops friendships with other women who have had trouble conceiving.
I've got a pretty solid social group of women I went to high school with who are in the same baby boat as me (a surprising number of girls in my graduating class have had trouble getting pregnant, actually....something in the water in my home town, maybe?).
We love each other and have a ton of fun together. But, does it fill the void of not having our own child? Heck no. It takes the edge off, yes, and is probably the most helpful of the insensitive comments, but it is still no substitute for being a mom.
6. Do More Things with Your Spouse or Partner as a Couple
Oh, gods, no. Whether your relationship is solid or on shaky ground, nothing will make an infertile woman feel lonelier and more isolated than this suggestion. She wants to be a party of three (or more) with her partner, not just the two of them forever. Suggesting this just illustrates to her how painfully childless she is.
One More Thing....Don't Suggest She Adopt (There's a Good Reason Why)
Many women on the infertility path DO eventually decide to adopt. It's actually what I thought of first, but then decided to do fertility treatments, before coming back to the original idea of adoption. It's a great idea. But, if you suggest this to a woman who has just discovered she's infertile, or who is going through fertility treatments, you'll likely be met with hostility.
Why?
It has to be her choice. If she's not talking about adoption yet, it's because she hasn't reached the point where it's something she is considering. She is still focusing on having a biological child.
You have to understand, having a biological child is a STRONG instinctive urge. I even know women who know they don't want kids, who have seriously considered it when that natural urge reared its head. It takes a while to get to the point of giving up on that idea, which is what some women have to do before they can consider adoption.
Me? I'm adopting. I've got an approved home study and am just waiting to be matched with a child. But, I still haven't given up the hope of possibly having a biological child one day. Even though the fertility doctor said reproductive technology could do no more for me, and I only have a five percent chance of getting pregnant on my own, I still have hope. I didn't need to give up that hope in order to decide to adopt.
Other women do. Respect that by avoiding suggesting they adopt. They'll let you know when they're ready to consider it.
Conclusion--Kindness Costs You Nothing, So Why Not Spend it Freely?
The above list could really be applied to any situation where someone is going through something emotionally difficult. Have you ever been through something that was hard on you? Did you appreciate it when well-meaning people gave you "suggestions" of what you could do to feel better? How did you feel when people who seemed to have no compassion were dismissive of your feelings or said you should just get over it or forget about it?
It probably made you pretty angry, huh?
No one knows what you're feeling but you. Not really.
It's the same with women struggling with infertility. The kindest thing you can do is to just be there for them. Treat them normally. Don't make a big deal out of it. But, don't act like the problem doesn't exist, either. Quiet acknowledgement is ideal.
If they ask you to listen to them while they pour out their feelings, do it. If they want to cry on your shoulder, let them. If they ask for advice, make it as general as possible. She'll appreciate it later.
What a woman going through infertility needs is kindness and compassion. What she does not need is suggestions on how to deal with it.
She'll come to that on her own. And, she'll just resent you for making it clear how much you don't understand and/or don't care by making your suggestions.
How would you want to be treated in the same situation?
Please, don't give her suggestions on how to "get over" not having a biological child. She's cried enough tears already without you adding to them with inadvertently insensitive remarks.
The kindest thing you can do is to be silent and let her find her own way through this highly personal journey.
She'll get there in her own time.
