Whilst this post title might suggest a continuation of my latest mini-series, it is instead more of a brain dump - another look at what's "inside" in an effort to understand the complexity of human emotions related to self.

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Employment

It's coming up to 7 years since I left my last job - the last role that can be considered employment in the traditional sense. I was near to the peak of my profession, in more of a leadership role than hands-on, and living in a city that I'd moved to (with the-mrs-gorilla) for this specific job.

My Last Job

It was a company that I joined after a business meeting during which I said "you need to employ somebody like me" to their Managing Director, somebody I considered to be a friend. At the time of this statement, I had no intention of working there - I was living the high life in London, a cushy job but one which didn't provide me with the challenges that I felt I needed.

Over the course of the next 6 months and plenty of conversation later, our lives had changed and I was moving for work.

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Things started to unravel quite quickly though. I was ready and desperate to work hard and make an impact but instead of being able to create the team that I'd been employed to do, I inherited 2 staff - 1 of which had been employed shortly before my arrival (who was in his own fairy-tale world) and another who wanted to be a designer having never done any design before. It was amateur hour before I'd arrived and to make matters worse, I was unable to recruit - the Managing Director also unable to achieve his goals due to constraints put upon him by a higher power.

Then to make things worse, I slowly learnt that the Managing Director was a control freak. Not the kind of control freak who does everything themselves, but a worse kind. The kind that gives you an objective, and then criticises absolutely everything because he'd have done it differently - making you do some pointless task over and over again, a lot of time to achieve a lot of nothing.

6 months in, I'd had enough - it wasn't what I'd been sold and I stopped giving a shit. I've always cared, often too much. I didn't like what I was becoming.

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That wasn't it though. the-mrs-gorilla had moved down with me and had what should be a 45 minute drive to work each day. It wasn't ever 45 minutes though, normally taking twice that.

I was also studying for my MBA at the time and a huge part of the course was self-reflection and the understanding of oneself. I understood that we needed to get out. But how?

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A Change for Good

Luckily, the-mrs-gorilla is extremely good at what she does and a job popped up in Eastbourne, at a place she knew. She got the job, I put myself on permanent gardening leave and away we went, to our new life by the sea.

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Know Thyself

And slowly, I have reached the reason I started writing this post...

That was the day I left employment. I'd learned that "Freedom" was at the core of myself, of who I am. Without Freedom, I'm unhappy. The Freedom to choose what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. In my last job in which I expected to be free, I discovered that the shackles were there, with an accompanying whip - there was no Freedom.

It's unlikely that I'll ever find Freedom in employment, unless I work for myself.

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Education

And this got me thinking... Since the age of 4 or 5, I've been learning. Primary school, Secondary school, University, University again, then even more University. I'm well educated and generally, this is so that we can get a good job. If I don't get a good job, then why did I spend roughly 20 years of my life in some form of education? So that I could realise that I need Freedom?

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Family

Then the-baby-gorillas came along. Banishing the idea that I'd be Free ever again. Free to sleep, free to eat a meal in peace, free to cook for somebody and for them to eat it. And perhaps most importantly, free to watch whatever I want on TV (which has reminded me of another post I wanted to write).

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Loss of Self

All of this culminating in the feeling that I don't know who I am any more. The feeling that I've worked so hard and learnt so much, with the new challenge of trying to get a 5 year old to sit in their chair and eat their food. It feels like a waste.

I often wonder if I need to rediscover my "Purpose" but then I'm reminded (with a call of "DADDY") that my Purpose now is to raise 2 children.

I fear that one day, I'll need to go back to work. Having not done so for so long, knowing that I know a lot, but not knowing what I know or what I can offer.

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