I’ve been trying to avoid writing this article and I’ve left it until last minute, but I cannot procrastinate any longer. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I didn’t want to participate in @pennsif’s #homesteadhappiness challenge! In fact, I was ecstatic to see another homesteading contest that could bring the Steemit community together! The reason I didn’t want to write this article is because my #homesteadhappiness is directly related to my greatest sadness… and no one I know likes talking about that.
I guess I’ll just start by being blunt. I have depression… severedepression, as well as a generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and a severe social anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed when I was in high school and have been struggling to live a normal life ever since.
My mood disorders started as a bland distaste for things I had originally enjoyed. At first I attributed my lack of interest and easily frayed nerves to the hormonal changes that accompany puberty. But eventually the dark cloud that hung above my head took over my life and I could not shake the terrifyingly apathetic mindset I then entertained.
Over the years I tried many different forms of medication (Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc) and therapy (CBT and psychotherapy). Some worked better than others and at times I found a few months of temporary reprieve yet I always ended up back where I began. As the years passed, I became increasingly frustrated, terrified, angry, guilty, ashamed, and every other negative emotion you can think of…
…until I almost committed the worst possible act you can commit when dealing with depression.
Thankfully, I could not go through with it and I am still here. But as I sat there that fateful night contemplating my actions, I distinctly remember thinking…
“If I can’t end my life, I have to learn to live it.”
The thought of another 60 some odd years of feeling the same dark malaise was almost unbearable. I wanted to run away to a quiet and desolate place. I wanted to avoid everyone and everything. I didn’t want to die… but I also didn’t want to truly live. I wanted to coast through the years until I could pass from old age guilt free.
So I am hesitant to say this aloud to all of you… to all the Steemit homesteaders that show such passion towards their way of life… but my homesteading journey began from this mindset.
I dreamed of moving away from people and living in a quiet bubble. Instead of getting bogged down in the rat race for money or wasting away at a 9 to five, I wanted to work dawn until dusk doing manual labor that seemed relevant. I wanted to keep my hands so busy that I didn’t have time to think or be depressed. I could no longer join activities or work for such pointless things… I would grow food to eat and to live. That sort of work made sense to me.
Eat, sleep, repeat… until my life came to an end.
I don’t know at what point things began to change… but I think I’ve started to find my homestead happiness.
My homesteadhappiness is…
you.
There is something so powerful about surrounding yourself with genuinely good people. People with dreams and hopes and passions. It brings light to an otherwise dark corner of your life. That’s why the Steemit homesteading community is my greatest source of happiness.
Reading your articles on Steemit has lifted my spirit. Writing articles for you has given me a purpose, a daily goal to achieve. And planning my future with you has given me a sense of hope I’d long since forgotten.
Now when I am out in the quiet garden surrounded by nothing but my own dark thoughts, I feel your comforting presence behind me, like a friend standing nearby and sharing the minor nuances of my day. A soft, delicate feeling that I am no longer alone… that I only have to turn around to see you and smile.
I no longer want to homestead to let my life pass by… I want to homestead in order to live.
Thank you for reading, thank you for being my support, thank you for being my happiness, and thank you for coming along with me on this journey!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Photography from Pexels and used under the CC0 license. Footer badges created by @daddykirbs and @allforthegood. SteemitHomesteaders Slack logo created by @greenacrehome.
