"All action is of the mind and the mirror of the mind is the face, its index the eyes" -Marcus Tullius Cicero
A 2017 study confirms that we receive the majority of information about a persons emotional state from their eyes. While the interpretation of eye expressions must be done in conjunction with the rest of the face, we get most of our information from the eyes and the area immediately surrounding them.(1)
This is why eye contact makes us feel so vulnerable. Consciously or not, we realize that our innermost being is exposed to another soul. Incidentally, this is also why we are more likable, trustworthy, and attractive,(2) when we make good eye-contact. Exposing our inner state to another through eye-contact is a display of confidence. Confidence is vulnerable, and exposing our vulnerability is a display of confidence. Hmm... I think some great secret lies in that statement.
There is quite a bit of research that suggests, sustained eye contact can increase "liking, loving, closeness and attraction" between two people.(3) There was an interesting study by Ben Jones of Aberdeen University which confirms that men and women alike, and are attracted to people who make eye contact with them and smile. The smile without eye contact, not so much. Eye contact, without a smile is better than nothing at all. But eye contact with a smile seems to cause us to like people better when directed at us. Of course it works in the other direction also, when we make eye contact with people and smile, we become more likable and attractive to them.(4)
Through out my research, I'm finding that good eye-contact and smiling seem to have almost magical properties. It's as though these two expressions, all by themselves, can transform our lives.
We are getting closer to an understanding what good eye contact can do for us. Perhaps this is a good time to stop and consider how best to begin feeling more comfortable making strong eye contact.
In his book "The Power of Eye Contact" Michael Ellsberg offers an exercise for us to practice.
While you walk down the sidewalk (during daylight hours!) look at the eyes of every person walking towards you, long enough to see their eye colour. Then look away. That's it.
I've been practicing this one for years, and never have I had a single negative experience from it. It's the single best exercise I know for becoming more comfortable with eye contact quickly. You'd be amazed at how willing people are on the street to connect with you briefly through the eyes.
Ellsberg offers some tips for this exercise as well:
- Try to maintain a soft neutral expression on your face. Neither displaying sexual or aggressive intent.
- Don't make eye contact too soon. Make eye contact about 4 to 5 paces away, and it should last for less than a pace.
- When you break eye-contact, you should do it to the side, not up or down. Breaking eye contact upwards indicates superiority, and downwards is the "look of shame."
Another good way to practice is at "Eye Gazing Parties" which is something that Michael Ellsberg started and it seems to have become a movement. So there is a likelihood you can find one in your area.
See: Stareway to Heaven: One woman’s night at an eye-gazing party.
"A bright and sparkling eye is as characteristic of a pleased or amused state of mind"
- Charles Darwin: Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals.(5)
We will get into more of what the eyes reveal to us as we move on to learning the signs of body-language.
What I aim to do, is to first thoroughly examine all of the basics of social skills. In a general order:
- Eye Contact
- Smiling
- Open Body Language
- Active Listening
- Banter or Small Talk
After I feel like I've examined, written, and practiced these basics, later we will begin to go deeper into the subject and expand our social awareness.
Mind you, I am writing from the perspective of a North American. My understanding is that the articles I am writing should work around much of the world. However, I am interested to hear if any of this information \ advice is contrary to your experiences across the globe.
Feel free to leave any comments you may have, or constructive criticism.
(Please, let me know if you have art\photography that you would like featured on this blog.)
Thank You!
If You liked this article, you may also enjoy some other articles I've written:
References and Furthur Study:
The Power of Eye Contact by: Michael Ellsberg.
Stareway to Heaven: One woman’s night at an eye-gazing party.
- sciencedaily.com - We read emotions based on how the eye sees
- The look of love: gaze shifts and person perception.
- scientificamerican.com - The Science of Love
- journals.sagepub.com - Integrating Gaze Direction and Expression in Preferences for Attractive Faces
- Charles Darwin: Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals(Free E-Book)