Greetings followers.
I just finished reading a transmission on Steemit (the social media platform where you get paid to post and vote) from someone named sauravrungta. The transmission is called "6 Radical Ways the World Will Change In Your Lifetime". It made me laugh so hard that I had to recalibrate my respirator. I'm not sure if he was kidding and making fun of your planet or if he was being serious and merely illustrating how primitive your planet is. Either way, I haven't laughed that hard since the time that female employee claimed she was not flirting with me. All of the women in The Empire flirt with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. Except for Vera of course. Vera would never do that. Vera is simply the best.
We all know that I lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Let's focus on that first part...a long time ago.
We perfected all of the stuff sauravrungta writes about ages ago. What is wrong with you people? In fact, this very transmission is from a long time ago. Not only am I able to read your transmissions from the future, I am also able to write responses to you in the future is well. That is how awesome our technology is. Wrap your minds around that!
Anyhow, let's get back to his transmission. Let's take this piece by piece.
#1 Artificial Intelligence
Yippee! (That felt odd). Some day, you will hopefully be able to make machines that think. Well good for you! In my galaxy, do you know who can do that? Freaking 9 year olds.
Lucasfilm
See there's proof. Some random kid made that entire partially gold plated thinking machine (which I have never seen in my entire life) all by himself. And that kid did it with spare parts. That boy was an uneducated slave and he figured it out. Now if he had only figured out a way to sell those parts to buy his mother's freedom, maybe he wouldn't have ended up so emotionally damaged that he became pure evil... just a random guess. I don't even know who that kid or C3PO are. Anyway, in my galaxy, uneducated slave children can create artificial intelligence. So that will be a really big accomplishment for you guys... if you can figure it out in the next 60 years or so.
Our machines are so smart, they even understand torture and fear... for some reason.
Torturing them does seem kind of stupid.
Why not just hit the power switch?
(20th Century Fox)
Was this thing tortured for not being box-like enough?
(20th Century Fox)
This sissy robot is scared like 95% of the time.
20th Century Fox
We can even program our droids to fall in love with each other.
If this isn't true love, I don't know what is. (20th Century Fox)
As you can see, we have pretty much crushed it in the area of artificial intelligence. Our machines are wicked smart. How do you like them apples?
#2 Robots everywhere
Ummmmm are you serious? You seriously don't already have this? So who wipes your butts after removing the rivets that hold the back panel onto the armor for your lava burned and reconstructed torso? You don't seriously do that for yourselves do you? In my galaxy, we have had robots everywhere for centuries.
In fact, we have so many robots, that bars need to have official policies concerning them.
20th Century Fox
Our robots are so amazing, we have used them to replace everyone in the entire medical field.
Here's one delivering some whiny little babies (Especially the boy. He just looks like he would whine about everything including having to help his family instead of picking up power converters. Glad he's not my son.)
Lucasfilm
Now if those robots were only competent enough to save someone from dying from a broken heart... Wait. Is that really how she died? From a broken heart? She survived a force choke, gave birth and then died of a broken heart? That is dumbest thing I have ever heard. If that were in a movie, no-one would believe it. It's just so stupid. Whatever.
Here are a few heroic robots, rebuilding this awesome guy who was tricked and nearly murdered by his best friend.
(Lucas film)
See that is how you use robots... except that one on the right. That one seems like it's just there to hurt the poor guy even more. His body is already burned, why would you poke him?
Here's another example of how much more advanced we are compared to you guys. Not only do we have medical robots, we also figured out that water cures everything.
20th Century Fox
Your planet is like 71% water and you haven't figure out that it is a miracle cure for everything? Ok keep using your Bactine, Neosporin, and Penicillin... that stuff has worked wonders for you.
In addition to medical droids, we also have some designed specifically for war.
Here is an older model from before my time (Lucasfilm)
I'll admit not all of our robots are perfect. I'm pretty sure the only reason these "Battle Droids" existed was so Stormtroopers would look good in comparison. I'm convinced they were created by the Stormtroopers so that later on, after failing in yet another mission, they could say "Hey at least we are better than battle droids". And they are correct. In fact, that is the only thing they are better than, because at least Stormtroopers don't make lame jokes while they are failing miserably.
But they aren't all duds, because my galaxy is responsible for this...
I present IG- Freaking 88 (20th Century Fox)
Now this thing has it all! Artificial intelligence? You bet. Desire to do anything for credits (our virtual currency)? Heck yeah! A second blaster so big he can't even carry it properly? Of course! I have no idea why the Emperor didn't just order one million of these and then just sit back with a big bucket of popcorn and watch these things go to town mowing down rebel scum. Perhaps it's because my boss is the stupidest man that ever lived. Or that he can't eat popcorn with his yellow dentures (I'm laughing hysterically right now... you can't tell).
In the Empire, even our spies are robots.
20th Century Fox
These probe droids are pretty useful... but they are flawed. It's pretty odd to use such a large droid as a spy. These also give off a very distinct sound that every rebel base can detect. On second thought, these are terrible too! Once again, my incompetent boss strikes again.
Why so big and loud... especially when you consider we already had this technology:
(Lucas film)
I must admit this dude was cool. And he had probe droids that could fit in his hand. That makes way more sense.
Robots are so easy for us to make, that we use them for the most menial tasks... like holding a single needle.
20th Century Fox
Seriously, this robot only does two things: looks really freaking scary and pokes someone with one needle. Why do we need a robot to handle one single needle you might ask? You guessed it.
It's because every time one of these dimwits tried, they missed.
fierkant tumblr
We even create robots specifically for etiquette and protocol .
Lucasfilm
That's right. We have robots whose main purpose is to tell people which freaking fork to use first at a dinner party! It's too bad that this one also wasn't programed to direct a movie. Maybe then, everyone wouldn't have been pretending to be blocks of emotionless wood.
We also have droids with seemingly no purpose at all.
This one just rolls around hallways and runs away anytime it sees anything.
So basically, its job is to do nothing and never be seen. I bet we all have someone in our office that fits that description. Am I right? Ha, ha, ha. Vera knows who I'm talking about. She gets all my jokes. She's a doll.
This one just has a ton of arms. Why? No one knows. Kind of like why I went from being the "chosen one" to murdering a room full of kids 15 seconds later... no one knows.
20th Century Fox
Let's not forget the armless box that moves slower than the Emperor does when it comes time to pick up the check at dinner...
What doe this do? I have no flippin' idea.
(20th Century Fox)
Here's one with a human head for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was designed to speak so there was no need for a second droid to translate for it. No. That would have made too much sense.
Is it a droid? Is it a human?
Who cares? It's hilarious!
(20th Century Fox)
And of course, my personal favorite. This droid is designed to make brothers and sisters want to kiss each other. This droid just hypnotized these two. As soon as they hear the words "Must have hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?" they will be compelled to make out.
Why do we have this kind of robot? Because we can!
(20th Century Fox)
Gross? Yes.
Hilarious? Absolutely!
I love robots!
I can't wait for you losers to get some good ones in like 60 years.
I'm laughing too hard to continue. In fact, I think I soiled myself. Time to get a robot in here to clean me up. I'll finish this transmission after it has completed its task.
Below you will find two ways to support the Empire. I strongly suggest you do both.
(20th Century Fox)
(20th Century Fox)This picture it not a link. I am tricky like that. You need to click on the button below that looks like this
