It was two o’clock in the morning, when I finally had to admit that either I needed psychiatric help, or my animals were out to get to me. I was awakened by the television.

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“…and here, in the laboratory, the CSI technicians will test the sample for toxicology."

"Unfortunately, in the majority of these cases,we don’t finish our analysis. The DA gets a plea bargain, and the crime is labeled solved before the evidence is even really examined.”

I rolled over and checked the clock. Okay, Ludwig, time to have it out. I don’t need the money that bad. The rent here hadn’t changed in 30 years, and couldn’t so long as the apartment was continually occupied, and so it had been handed down from roommate, to roommate.

I stumbled into the living room, rubbing my eyes, as the television went dark. In the glow of the street lamp, coming in through the windows framing the fireplace mantle, I became aware that Ludwig had either mastered the art of invisibility, or he wasn’t there.

Instead, Ralph, Max and Penelope sat on the sofa, pretending to sleep, while near the fish’s bowl, I caught the red blink of a light on the remote. This was getting out of hand.

“Listen, Cumberbatch,” I said, “I’m on to you. I don’t know what you’re planning yet, but when I find out...”

“Dude! Are you talking to my goldfish?” Ludwig asked, peering out from the hallway. “I thought I heard the TV, could your turn it down, if you need to watch it so late? I have work at 6, sorry to be a jerk about it, but if you could, please?”

I started to explain, but I was pretty sure I knew where this one was going. There was a long and storied history behind the reasons that Ralph was my first dog since the second grade. It hadn’t ended well for either of us and landed me in therapy, probably for life. I decided to keep the pet’s conspiracy a secret, at least for now.

“No, uh, rehearsing lines from an uh, training video they’re making the intern staff do, sorry, couldn’t sleep.” I lied. He squinched his face in a way that let me know; he hadn’t completely bought my lie, then waved me off as he turned and headed back to bed.

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