IFC Final Round - Love
Modified Source
The proverbial blank page....
I have so often sat here in this moment casting my question in this very sacred space of writing. More times than not, the question has involved 'LOVE'...The Great Teacher.
When I first saw this topic, I thought, "Great, this is going to be easy for me." That's what the word, "love" invoked in me initially - A trip to a Utopian happy-fest of dreamy, fluffy, poetic bliss that I would enjoy swooning over and hopefully inspire others with..... and they all lived happily ever after - and the world was a better place for it.
How many times did I restart this? Let me count the ways.......
Having been through 6 deaths these last two years, my heart is still in recovery mode (as is my family's). Not to dwell and muck around in that cascading reverie of muddy waters, but you don't go through pain like that consecutively without it 'changing you'. LOVE becomes bitter/sweet. And although I understand and deeply respect the process of healing and growth that comes, it also becomes a daily evolution with ebbs and flows of melancholy - a familiar melody to a writer/poet but maybe not so blissfully poignant to others.
However, entering into the realism that is LOVE - it can be messy! Especially when this powerful force is filtered through the human being. This is why I call it The Great Teacher because it often reveals the deeper aspects of ourselves that we may not normally be aware of in the well-controlled, mundane, daily grind of life. It can at once lift us to numinous heights (where inspiration and potential thrive) or it can reduce us to the most primal aspects of our psyche and emotions.
Nothing exemplified this more to me than growing up in a household that resembled the movie, "War of the Roses". I got a firsthand look at this dichotomy in action. One moment my parents were dancing around the kitchen to Motown, cooking gourmet meals together, staring into each others' eyes and the next they were trying to destroy each other.
Despite this, LOVE has always been the anchor in my life - it has been the air that I breathe as far back as I can remember. I have vivid memories touching and exploring the faces of those I loved with deep reverence trying to get a glimpse of that deeper part of them in their eyes - there was something immensely powerful having love reflected back - that exchange of love.
More....give me more of that kind of love!
Perhaps if I had not been so self-aware, listening to what love had to teach, I wouldn't have fared so well through my childhood. I did have some pretty significant blows to my heart early on. Having my father removed from my life at two and my first love dying on my 16th birthday to name just a couple - I learned not to ever take love for granted.
To be sure, love is the glue that holds life together and the reason we are here.
In my early twenties, a friend gifted me with this poem. It has always given me a great deal of understanding and represents to me, the holy grail of love's wisdom:
"The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran....He speaks on LOVE:
Then said Almitra, Speak to us of LOVE. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the season-less world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
I never stopped believing in 'love' and the power of love to both cure and move mountains. I knew that if I held onto that and the love inside me, I would not break...although there certainly were those moments that I was sure that I would. But I didn't! Because I chose to dwell wherever there was beauty and love - whether in my own creativity, nature, other people or my dreams...I let my heart be that compass to what made me feel stronger, what felt like truth.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi
My Favorite Love Story
By the time I met my now husband, I was just starting out in life on my own. A most monumental departure from trying to pour my love into the broken people in my family to claiming my own life.
I had a job offer in Louisiana - Cajun land! I remember riding into town late at night and stopping at a restaurant to grab a bite to eat only to be joined by a very kind waitress insisting that I not eat dinner alone. :) This wasn't isolated. EVERYONE in Louisiana I met was like this. Everyone was family to them - I had so many people inviting me into their families and traditions that it was like medicine to my heart. Much needed medicine - love. I was completely in my element and so very happy. What a wonderful place to be at just the right time for all the right reasons.
Then I met this guy
There came a time in my job where a considerable amount of pressure was being put on me to get a programmer for our project - only they were ALL occupied with other projects! It was clear that I would have to create the program myself or it wasn't going to happen. I knew nothing about programming! So I meandered my way around to all the programmers collecting whatever books they had and started studying my ass off and began the arduous testing process. I had some major hiccups when I started pulling in the data - this would be a problem with 2000 employees using it. Many of which would be engineers making critical decisions. I made my rounds to the programmers but they were all out of town! Then I heard there was a new programmer but no one knew his name.
It just so happened that I was late for work one day and was sneaking in the back door when I ran into another guy doing the same - we laughed about it and then went our separate ways. Later that day, I noticed him walking by my cubicle and I popped my head up, "Hey you!" - pointing at him with a laugh. He turned around and we proceeded to introduce ourselves and I found out 'he' was that elusive, no-name, programmer! Oh my lucky stars! Bill didn't have time to write the program but he was willing to answer any questions I had.
The next day, he was again walking past my cubicle, "Hey you!" - pointing at him with a laugh. Bill came right over to visit me and the strangest thing happened - we both got so giddy, like drunk giddy! It was that kind of involuntary, can't breathe, can't stop kind of laughter! We were both trapped inside the laughter bubble and only briefly between gasps for air, we would squeeze out, "What's happening?!" To our relief, it finally calmed down and I was able to give him my questions and he would return the next day with some suggestions.
The next day when he returned, the same giddy laughter experience happened...."Ummmm, can we exchange emails?" :)
Eventually, we would start running into each other at a place called, "Poets" and we started to become really good friends - sharing dinners and gatherings with our ever-expanding circle of friends. As I stated earlier, Louisiana had the friendliest people I've ever met - beautiful people! It was a lot of fun!
I wouldn't say that I was interested in Bill more than a friend but I really enjoyed talking and spending time with him. So much so that we ended up doing a lot of things together outside of our circle of friends and had the most amazing long and deep conversations about life. We'd even go into these long marathons of dreaming and throwing ideas off each other that it was hard to breakaway. Well, and maybe we shared a kiss or two at this point. ;)
It is complicated
Then Bill had to do it, our little "Hey you!" tradition transitioned into "Hey Beautiful" and then "Marry Me!" I'd laugh it off because I didn't know what to say and wasn't prepared to end this beautiful friendship we had. But it did weigh heavy on my heart because I wasn't in a place that I wanted to be in a romantic relationship and I didn't have those feelings for him nor did I want to hurt him. Then I got assigned to Alaska! Fate stepped in and solved the problem for me.
A new chapter in my life was beginning. It was quite surreal. The flight there was 14 hours in and of itself - no small adventure and I would be so far away from friends and family - completely alone. Lil ole me in this very raw and exquisitely beautiful Alaska. I had to set up a department on my own, implement a program to support it and then the rest of the department would come later. Gulp! How did this happen?!
Being the first on site, there were a few others and we all became 'family' to each other. Eating dinner together, having gatherings. There really wasn't much time for anything else - 14 hour days, 7 days a week for 4 weeks straight and then a two week break.
I eventually pulled it off and set up the new department - I could finally relax (theoretically) with my now comfortable routine.
Then a few months into the job, I hear "Hey Beautiful!" I turned around and saw Bill standing there. Yes, he actually followed me all the way to Alaska! I invited him over for a talk later because I knew that I needed to be very honest and clear. It didn't go very well, it was hard. He cried. It was breaking my heart. Then he suggested that we could be like we were - that it didn't matter to him as long as I was in his life. :(
I had to fly back to Louisiana to move my things to storage in Alabama and he offered to fly back with me - no strings attached (I really did need the help) and then we would go our separate ways. So I accepted his offer and with the known parameters of our relationship, there was that little semblance of 'us' again as friends.
Love sometimes has other plans
It was a rather grueling trip going from 14 hour flight to hard labor for days and then traveling more with added labor on the other end. "Hey you! Since we're so close to the beach, let's spend the last couple days having a little fun!", Bill enthusiastically boomed. It sounded like a great idea and I agreed - A little recharge time at the beach would be nice before that long trek back to Alaska.
We had no sooner arrived when we dropped our bags and made a run for the water jumping in like two little kids. The waves that day were a little more powerful than we anticipated and in our mindless run for the water, we both forgot to take our sunglasses off. "I'll take them back", Bill offered.
I wasn't too far from the shore, maybe thigh deep when a wave came in and suddenly my feet had no ocean floor beneath them. In fact, I just felt this eerie empty, coldness. I tried swimming into the shore to no avail. I tried swimming parallel to the shore but I wasn't budging. Panic started kicking in as I tried to free myself from what was clearly a rip tide. After 15 minutes of this, my energy was used up and I started slipping under the water, fighting to keep my head up to breathe.
When Bill finally made it out to me, I was already in the last throws of total exhaustion. He was only a couple feet from me when he noticed the terror on my face. "What's wrong?!", he asked with deep concern. I couldn't talk. I had no energy left to speak, let alone whisper. However, he was a diver and knew what was wrong immediately. Reaching out his hand to pull me to him, the powerful rip tide caught Bill up in its death trap as well. Determined to get us out of this situation, he held me up for the longest time, trying to swim parallel to the shore with my limp body slumped over his back - but nothing he tried worked. Eventually, he too became exhausted.
At this point, we were both losing our battle with the ocean. The salty water was lapping against our faces like it was taunting us with its power. With each fight for air, (not able to speak), we could only stare into each others' eyes to convey what we were feeling. We both knew that these were our last moments. We both knew these were the last eyes we would ever look into. Just as I had always done as a child, I peered into his soul and he into mine.
Suddenly the fear had left our bodies (this was surprising to me). Exhausted - we fell into an altered state of 'release' between life and death waiting for the ocean to take us. The silence was so potent - like an urgent peace enveloping us inside an echo chamber of buzzing and lapping water. It became an internal rhythm. Staring into each others eyes became our lifeline to the living. My heart would drop each time he would slip under the water and each gasp of air a small and surprising miracle.
With his last ounce of energy, Bill broke this hypnotic silence and whispered, "You take the last seconds, I love you." And with that, he disappeared under the cold, dark water and I felt him pushing my feet up.
The Power of Love
As it turned out, that very selfless act of love, was what saved us that day. I don't know where the energy came from (other than pure love and a fight for life) but when Bill reached the ocean floor to push me up, he grabbed higher sand with his 'big toe' and pushed us both out of the rip tide just enough that we were able to allow the waves to push our exhausted bodies to shore.
We must have laid on the shore for at least 20 minutes crying together. Honestly, I wasn't sure that we didn't die and this wasn't some illusion. Eventually we were able to walk but our legs were shaking the whole entire day. It was like walking in a dream - in-between worlds, unable to grasp that we were alive when we had come so close to death. Life changing would be an understatement.
The remainder of the day, we hardly spoke and could only stare into each others' eyes using the language of the heart. I knew in that moment that I was toast ;) No, I knew that I was staring into the eyes of my husband. "What?" he asked. I couldn't hold my smile back, "We can talk about it later...too much for one day."
[We learned the following day that many people died in those rip tides that day :( ]
This will be the first day of the rest of your life
Following our brush with death, we would return to Alaska and take an adventure through this beautiful land for two weeks trying to squeeze in as many experiences as we could together - We called it our 'Celebration of Life Tour". Half way through our trip by car, on foot, by train, helicopter and horseback, I just couldn't contain my happy secret any longer......and "I" popped the question to 'him'.
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”
― Rumi
Graphic created by @charisma777 (because she puts her love into everything she creates)
As this is the Final Round - I just want to say THANK YOU to the @IFC and all those that have put so much love and time into it. And thank you for giving me and others the opportunity to write about such interesting topics.
This contest and all the quests taught me so much - it was a great experience.