Self-sabotage occurs when there is a temporarily insoluble inner conflict.
A part of you wants something, while another part wants something else.
One side pulls you towards expansion, another one towards contraction.
These parts take delight in one particular thing – not acknowledging the existence of the other.
Why?
They believe that doing so will threaten their inherent validity.
Especially if there is an attached story they adamantly wish to protect - admitting that there are counter-arguments would make it less possible to convince you, the decision-maker, to go in that direction.
Neither side wants to succumb.
They both want to have their own way and that’s it – end of story.
Unfortunately, that’s not possible.
You cannot breathe in and breathe out, both at the same time.
You might have to carefully consider both sides before taking the next step, but that is so difficult sometimes.
The voice of your intuition is being drowned out by the cacophony of conflicting impulses.
Whenever one part of you is in the lead, the other part impatiently awaits recognition in the shadows.
It goes all the way to even sabotage your efforts at success, in an attempt to bring itself to your awareness.
“Hello, I’m here, you’re neglecting me. I’m part of you, so I need you to see me. Because you don’t, I’m going to make my presence known, one way or another.”
So you end up in this nerve-wrackingly tense situation.
Some of your energy is directed towards a new goal, while the rest of your energy is resisting this new movement.
Your being is torn between wanting to grow and wanting to protect itself.
And you, the decision-maker, are stuck in this limbo, wondering why it’s so hard to move forward.
Well, have you taken the time to look, really look behind the curtains of this surface drama?
Well, I’ve been in this situation for quite some time now.
A part of me wanted to write so much (A), while another part was preventing me from actually doing it (B).
A originates in the depths of my soul’s calling. B is born as a protective mechanism against the pain inflicted on me during my developmental years.
A is creative, expansive, playful and spontaneous. B is rebellious, fearful and addicted to drama.
A entices me to explore new realms of my imagination, discover new pathways for expression. B keeps me stuck in a boring rut of smallness, laziness and complacency.
A is my angel, B is my demon.
Now, I cannot fully birth A into being without bringing B to the light of my awareness.
Every time A gives me an impulse, B carefully whispers in my ear all the reasons and excuses not to follow A’s guidance.
Whenever I do act according to A’s directive, I’m shimmering with golden rays of pleasure. I feel like I’m fulfilling some sort of sacred mission. I feel on top of the world.
Whenever I act upon B’s censorship, I enter a vicious cycle of guilt, self-criticism and dissatisfaction. Even though B sounded so convincing at first, it never delivers on its promises to make me feel good.
And, finally, I discovered why!
It’s because I don’t need protection anymore! B was only trying to protect me from the reprimanding ghosts of the past, stuck in the same seductive but long expired loop.
B, wake up!!!
Those stories are of the past! There is no one to criticize you anymore, no one to tell you how to do it better! There is nobody that controls you into doing the things you don’t want to do. You are completely free now!
You are a child of the present now. You possess magnificent tools, talents and skills which have been waiting for so long to be put to use.
It’s up to you to give shape to the voice of your highest calling and experience the ecstatic revelation of your soul’s purpose manifested on Earth.
Otherwise, you can just feed the voice of your limitations, with a predictable destination – dark, desolate meaninglessness.
You are in control now, you, the observer of your thoughts.
The one that holds both A and B, caressing them with compassion. The one who has carefully studied them both and gained a deep understanding of the consequences of acting on either one of them. The one with the free will to decide which side to consciously pursue.
But this cannot be done until you take time out of your habitual framework to really think things through.
You are so used to acting in certain ways, so deeply entrenched in your behavioural patterns, swirling around in the same mindless frenzy, never making a change but complaining that things are not working the way they should.
To make a conscious choice, a choice that truly honours who and what you wish to become, you have to step back and study yourself.
You have to become creative with yourself, to constantly question the whys behind every action and reaction, to challenge yourself out of your uncomfortable safety.
You have to realize that you are not your actions. You are not your feelings. You are not your thoughts. They all come and go. You are the one that stays.
You are beyond definition, and you can act from that space, but only if you take time to get acquainted with, nourish and nurture it.
If this is a space you haven’t known before, I will tell you that it is always there, waiting for you to explore it.
Meditation helps a lot.
Contemplating, daydreaming, dancing, music, writing, painting, walking in nature… practically any activity that engages your right, creative brain more than your left, logical brain.
That is a space where miracles happen. And it’s a space that misses you very much, the way a home misses its rightful owner.
Find your way back home, where you belong. You are a child of the infinite...
Why limit yourself to choices that do not reflect your true nature, to choices that stifle your spirit and only lead to suffering?
You have the power to convert your self-sabotage into self-creation. You have the ability to transmute your resistance into drive. You have the potential to turn your inner conflict into inner cooperation.
With a little more awareness, one breath at a time.
Take it easy. Be gentle, but firm.
And most importantly, believe in yourself.
You are here for a reason. There is no one else to fulfil your destiny, no one else to tell your own personal legend.
This piece was written just before publishing my introduce yourself post. Before publishing, I had to overcome a good number of psychological obstacles described in this article. My introduction turned out to have an unexpectedly high engagement - $80 and more than 100 comments! I was simply blown away by the amount of positive energy and encouragement I received. Thank you, everyone, for being so welcoming. And thank you, me, for showing up and working through the difficulties - the results are so worth it.
I made a commitment to myself to only post high-quality articles. If you have any ideas for improvement, don't hesitate to share them with me. I'm here to learn and grow.
If you resonated with these ideas, I would love to hear your perspective on the subject!
How do you overcome your inner blocks?
What aspects of your life is your inner conflict revolving around and what steps are you actively taking to resolve it?
Upvotes, resteems and follows would be very helpful for a newbie like me hehe :)
(P.S. That's me... I love flowers so much!)
Be you, be wild, be free!
Bristena
#DiaryOfAFreeSpirit