Give me the heeby-jeebies just lookin at 'em.
Back in the old days - anywhere from fifty to one hundred and fifty years ago - things were different than they are now. Life was simpler, people were slower, the world was smaller and, most importantly, candy absolutely sucked balls. It was awful awful stuff limited mostly to one note hard candy, black and red licorice, things made of wax and various other abject failures, most of which were variations on the theme of edible despair.
However, since it is human nature to desperately crave sugary delights, people still ate these confectionery abortions. In fact they not only ate them, they even enjoyed them! Children, poor, helpless children, craved their wax teeth and wax bottles filled with utterly grotesque neon syrup, despite the fact that both of those candies have taste akin to a sponge dipped in citrus Lysol.
Today we examine three favorites from the dark ages of candydom. Behold, the three horsemen of the candy Apocalypse: Candy Lipstick, Candy Cigarettes and NECCO Wafers.
These three candies represent the heart of the ancient candy world. They were once the tribunal of candy judgment, the elders of their age, second in power only to Mother and Father: Good and Plenty and Wax Teeth.
But now the tables have turned. No longer shall these ancient plagues destroy the teeth and rob the joy of others. Nay, now judgment shall be passed unto them! Let the trial begin.
Who the hell is this fooling?
Candy Lipstick, the following charges have been brought against you:
- 13.8 million counts of assault on the taste buds of a minor with intent to disgust.
- 5.9 million counts of fraudulent, terrible misrepresentation as lipstick.
- 3.8 million counts of oral sexual assault of a minor and 303,403 counts of oral sexual assault of an adult.
- 1 count of intent to gross out the public with your horrible packaging and overall appearance - which is neither attractive nor hygienic.
How do you plead?
"I plead not..."
Shut up! No one cares. Eating you is like eating a piece of pink chalk off of the chalk board at an elementary school: both in terms of taste and texture. Additionally, any attempt to play with you like actual lipstick is likely to cause permanent damage to children's frail lips because you are as hard as a stone and your edges can sometimes be sharp. I hate you and I'm assuming the jury does as well. Hence, I hereby sentence you to hang by your neck until you are dead. May God have mercy on your soul. Next!
OK, this might be fooling somebody.
Candy Cigarettes, the following charges have been brought against you:
-500 million counts of making incredibly young children think that cigarettes are not only awesome to smoke and play with but also taste mildly and, I might add, smoothly of sugar.
-400 million counts of assault on the taste buds of a minor with intent to be inedible.
-300 million counts of murder pursuant to the addiction to and subsequent deaths from actual cigarettes which your three year old clientèle inevitably end up chain smoking for the rest of their lives.
- 1 count of looking only remotely like the thing your supposed to be in the first place.
Additionally, the prosecution has requested that a special comment be read along with the charges.
"All charges herein placed upon the candy cigarette have no connection whatsoever with the chewing gum cigarette which, being totally awesome, is exempt from all proceedings herein undertaken. This is because the chewing gum cigarette looks just like an actual cigarette, has dust that you can pretend is smoke and when your done may be chewed like gum, whereas the candy cigarette is a white stick with a red dot at one end that tastes mildly of sweet anise and old people. Thank you Judge."
Candy Cigarette, how do you plead?
"Your honor..."
Sit down and shut up! You are guilty as sin, sir! Sin! Since you were invented in the early 19th century you have been the oldest and possibly most successful tobacco advertisement in history. Furthermore, putting aside your moral ambiguity, as well as your illegality in a number of countries, including Ireland and Saudi Arabia, there is also the fact that you are despicably boring and literally saddening to eat. It is with all of this in mind that I find you guilty and sentence you to burn at the stake until you are dead. F**k you. Whose Next?
Never look directly at the Necco crisp label and never ask why musn't look.
Ah, Necco Wafers, I've been waiting a long time for this. You have been accused of the following charges:
- 600 million counts of making unsuspecting children cry pursuant to your totally sh@#ty flavor variety.
- 500 million counts of assault on the taste buds of a minor with intention to break their teeth, as well as their spirits.
- 400 million counts of murder for unrelated deaths hereby punitively attributed to you because I hate you so goddamn much.
- 1 count of endangering public safety by coloring your cinnamon flavored wafer white. Everyone knows cinnamon is red you cold, conniving sonofabitch.
- 1 count of committing a crime against humanity pursuant to the dickhead decision to include the flavor "clove."
Necco Crisps, how do you plead?
"..."
How do you plead?
"...If I say something you'll jus..."
Shut your God damned trap or I will hold you in contempt of court! Bailiff, restrain the defendant by force! Use your mace. Bailiff, mace the defendant!
(Wherein the defendant was maced)
Necco Crisps, you are the guiltiest of all. If you think that because you were first made in 1847 that this court will take any leniency on you then you are sadly mistaken. In fact, I believe your age only makes you more culpable seeing as you had years to change your ways and did not. Allow me to read off the list of your flavors.
Orange
Lime
lemon
chocolate!?
licorice!!??
cinnamon!!! With licorice? What are you thinking?
wintergreen!!!! WINTERGREEN?! Are you a breath mint now, Necco?!
and clove!!!!! My god. Clove?
How can you hide something like this in a pack of unrelated flavors? What kind of monster are you?
Clearly, 4 out of those eight flavors are inedible, sir! Plus, everyone knows that lime always sucks and chocolate never tastes good when actual chocolate is not involved. That means you have a 2:6 ratio of palatable to unpalatable flavors which is more than enough reason to find you guilty. considering that the inclusion of clove in and of itself is damning evidence!
Therefore, despite your years of public service, including your periodic use in some parts of the United States as a child friendly replacement for the Eucharist at Christian services and your use as rations during WWII, you are found guilty of all charges and hereby sentenced to be burned with acid, gnawed by hounds and then shot by firing range until you are dead. May God have mercy on your soul because I sure as sh@t won't.
Is that everyone? Great. Court is adjourned! I'm gonna go outside and smoke a gum cigarette because I'm a Judge and gum cigarettes are super cool.
Edit: Hey everyone - sorry, I'm a stickler for the rules and I feel compelled to apologize for accidentally sticking this in the introduceyourself tag. That's a cheap way to try to drum up interest and I wouldn't have done it but I posted this by accident while getting it ready for delivery tomorrow. Now it won't let me remove it - keeps saying I have six tags even when I try to replace introduceyourself. So, apologies for anyone miffed by the indiscretion.