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I've been going to a DBT group every Monday and I decided to research this therapy method to see exactly what I was getting into. On this search for information on dialectal behavioral therapy I stumbled upon a video of the founder, talking about radical acceptance.
This pulled me to search more about radical acceptance because it felt like something familiar. There's something I've struggled with and that's pretty much accepting who my father is and what he's done. Over and over I've tried to forgive and forget the past, but he just kept bringing it up. Sure, it wasn't anything traumatic that he'd bring up, but it didn't have to be, it was his tone as if to say "It wasn't that bad."
It wasn't THAT bad?! This man raped and tortured my mom, forcing her to birth children amongst other damaging behaviors including tackling her to the ground with me as a baby in her arms. This is where radical acceptance helps. It is like abandoning all hope for a better past. It feels like true forgiveness. Now, radical acceptance and what I've grasped of the concept, doesn't mean I have to welcome this man with open arms. I would say that's along the lines of denying reality and the reality is he's a walking talking trigger for me. He was and still is a pathological liar and I have to abandon all hope that my forgiveness and open arms will change him somehow. Not my circus, not my monkey. That is what radical acceptance is to me.
If I wanted a close and loving relationship with this man, that would be different. But the past is very real. It exists now. It shaped who I am so I will never blame him for his actions and for my short comings, but I will hold him responsible for his actions. I always made excuses for him. From his tortured past to his naval indoctrination. He had a choice then much like I have a choice now. And I choose to accept reality for what it is and be okay with not having him in my life.
I recognize him for his good and the darkness he's channeled. He owes me nothing, I owe him nothing. He can no longer threaten me with his impending death either by his hands or his health issues. Life will go on. It must and now I can properly grieve this loss and move on with my life. According to my therapist there's a lot of healing heading my way and I can feel it. I just have to keep doing the hard work.
If my example of radical acceptance didn't quite hit the mark for you and you're still unsure what it is, here's a descriptive video I've found helpful:
In my example, I came about radical acceptance in my realization that either path I would choose would have pain, but one would be unbearable suffering and the other would be the natural flow of pain after letting go that can lead to healing. I can't control this man and how he chooses to speak and conduct himself. Although there is pain in letting go, this path will lead to healing. I've tried for years to make the right decision here. I kept choosing to try to make amends and get to know him. Each time opening my heart for more hurt. He even had the chance to say he wants nothing to do with me after an argument. He's had nothing to do with me since I was 9. So, for him to say that to me because I spoke my mind at 28(at the time), was devastating. He will never have the chance to make me feel that way again. Not now, not ever, and I think that's pretty radical. Namaste.
*All videos are not my own and I have no rights the them.