Up until my mid twenties I was an incredibly angry person. Actually, compared to most other people I know today, I still am. I often joke that I have two emotions: rage and elation (so far on this site, I've only revealed the latter).
Marvel Studios
When I was in my early twenties, I used to go to Industrial music clubs in Chicago four nights per week. In America, Chicago was that scene's epicenter. If you don't know what Industrial music is, don't worry. You are not alone. When I meet someone who isn't familiar with Industrial music, I explain that it is aggressive, electronic based dance music. When they tilt their head and look at me like a dog who has just heard me say "astrophysics is a complicated field"... I simply say, "Nine Inch Nails. Nine inch Nails is the most popular example of the genre".
Over the years, I became a regular at several different Industrial clubs and made it my sworn duty to make sure other patrons were treating each other respectfully. I was especially protective of the women who would frequent the clubs. If you are asking, "Who the hell made you the minister of respect?", that is an excellent question. So is, "Didn't they have hired staff to take care of that?". In fact they did have some excellent staff who were hired to perform this task. But if I left it up to the professionals, then I would not get to be the hero. And that was my problem. After years of reflection, I am able to see that I was hiding my need to release my aggression under the veil of "protecting others".
Now might be a good time to point out that at the time, I was 5'9" and weighed about 175 pounds. I wasn't big. I wasn't particularly skilled. I was just a rage fueled person with nothing to lose on an imaginary crusade to rid the world of disrespect at night clubs. When I think about it now, I just shake my head and laugh at myself.
Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios
If a guy appeared to be be disrespecting a woman on the dance floor, "Anger Man" would leap into action. I'd push the guy around until he was removed form the club. Then I'd pat myself on the back and go back to my perch to wait for another opportunity. And those opportunities came quite often. Given enough time and alcohol, there would always be a problem for me to swoop in and solve.
It became my thing. I was the guy who would never stand by and let anyone be disrespected. Unfortunately, I was using violence to do it. I don't want to make it seem like I was busting heads and breaking bones. It never even got close to that. Just lots of pushing and intimidation to get the offenders to back down and leave. To be honest, I think it was just dumb luck that it never escalated into anything dangerous.
Why was I doing this?
I have developed a pretty good habit of asking myself one simple question when presented with any dilemma, "What is my goal in this situation?" Back in the day, when one of these incidents would pop up, I thought my answer was, "My goal is to assure that everyone here feels safe and is being treated with respect". Wow. What a hero.
Paramount Domestic Television
Now that I have the advantage of age, wisdom and hindsight, I know the real answer to the "Goal" question. My goals were to release my anger, make people think I was hero, look tough, and make sure people were being respected. Three of those clearly conflict with the fourth. My goals were incredibly selfish. They were wrapped up in an nice looking altruistic package... but that was a facade.
Did people need to feel safe and respected? Yes. Could I help this to become a reality? Yes. Were my methods correct? No.
Looking back, I always skipped one very early step that could have prevented so many problems. I could have spoken to the "victim" and simply asked, 'Are you OK? Do you need a little help?" I bet this step alone would have defused half of the problems. The creepy guy would see that the woman had an ally and leave. Or the woman would simply say, "Oh it's fine. This guy is just goofing around. He's harmless. He's not bothering me." Who was I to decide when a person should feel disrespected and required protection?
If it turned out that she did need help, I literally knew every employee. I could have simply walked up to one and said, "This young lady needs some assistance." Within seconds, the problem would be solved by the professionals... but then I wouldn't be the hero. Selfish.
When I was young, I was all over the place. I didn't have a clear vision or path. I had a moral compass and I wanted to do what was "right" but I didn't always use the best method to get there. The main reason for this lack of direction was because I didn't have clear goals. I was just making them up as I went along.
Warner Brothers Television and Chuck Lorre Productions
Luckily this changed... or I'd still be a mess.
In many ways, becoming a parent tremendously complicates one's life. In other ways, it makes life incredibly simple. After having kids, so many of my nonsensical goals fell away. Release my anger? Gone. Appear heroic? Who cares? Look tough? To whom? Help others feel safe and respected... well that one gets to stay. But the method needs to change to fit the new ultimate goal.
All the silly, selfish goals dissolve and leave one: "Be a Good Dad".
It's tough to be a good dad if you are in jail, the hospital, or dead. Therefore I must choose to take actions that will lead to my ultimate goal (unless absolutely necessary). Being the respect police is not necessary... especially when there are more appropriate ways to reach the goal of everyone feeling safe and respected. Answering the questions, "How can I look tough, release my anger, and be the hero?" seem pretty ridiculous when compared to, "How can I be a good dad?"
Does this mean that I have become a bystander who will sit idly by and let terrible things happen? Absolutely not. Do I still believe that all people deserve to be respected and that I should do my part to make this a reality? Of course. The only difference is that now I try to help using more effective ways that will not jeopardize my main goal.
SCRIBENDI INC.
*For the record, I am not claiming to be a pacifist. It's too easy to come up with hundreds of "what ifs" that would cause me to look like a hypocrite and answer, "Yes violence would be required". But this article isn't about those extreme "what ifs". It's about every day conflict that can be handled without violence... if I keep my most important goal in mind.
Feel free to share your ultimate goal in the replies if you would like.