What the heck does hanshotfirst even mean?
20th Century Fox
I'm an American man in my mid 40s, so basically everyone I personally know understands why my steemit name is "hanshotfirst". However, I failed to take into account the fact that so many community members would not understand the reference. This became very clear when one of my best steemit pals referred to me as "hans" today. I've been chatting with him since the second day I was on steemit. Even though we chat a little every day, I guess my name just never came up.
And now I understand that many people think my name is Hans Hot First or Hans Hotfirst. I'm not even sure what those could mean. Am I super arrogant and I think I'm really "hot"? Ummm no. I assure you that I am not "hot" and I am not delusional enough to deny this fact. Could it mean that I think I'm number one? I'm first at everything? Again that's a negative. I'm good at some things and really bad at others. Perhaps I'm just a huge fan of the old Saturday Night Live Hanz and Franz skit? Nope. I haven't been a fan of that show since the early 80s.
BVE
So what the heck is "hanshotfirst"?
First of all, it's a Star Wars reference. I don't mean the 2000 prequels or even the Force Awakens. I mean the originals. The trilogy that forever changed movies (and life) for me. Specifically, it is a reference to Han Solo in Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) and his interaction with a trained bounty hunter named Greedo.
The name also has a second meaning. It shows my disgust for what George Lucas did to those movies in the 1990s. He "specialized" them. For me, that translates to "attempted to ruin them". I get it. He created them. He has the right to do whatever he wants to with his art. And I have the right to get mad about it... in an absolutely illogical and overabundant way.
When I meet other Star Wars dads, I can tell if we are going to get along after asking one question. I look at their kid. Out of the blue, without any warning at all , I ask "Who shot first?" If the kid responds "Han", then I know I have made a new pal. If he looks at me like I'm crazy (which I clearly am), then I smile, nod and move on.
In the 90s, thanks to new digital special effects, a couple of movie makers got the idea to "improve" upon their masterpieces. One was George Lucas. Another was Steven Spielberg. In addition to adding characters and effects, they sought to sanitize parts of their movies. The had both made movies that defined many a childhood in the 70s and 80s. When they looked back through the lens of old age and late 1990s standards, they thought these movies, that were aimed at kids, were too violent.
Because of this, Spielberg thought it would be a good idea for trained federal agents to chase an unknown alien through the woods without a single gun. He changed the movie E.T. by digitally removing all of the agents' guns and replacing them with... walkie talkies. "Freeze alien! Or I'll call for reinforcements of other weaponless federal agents! Or maybe I'll create some feedback with this radio that will cause you slight discomfort!".
Yep. They set up a roadblock armed only with walkie talkies. That would happen.
They were chasing a freaking alien! Have they never seen a movie before?! Aliens want to snatch your body, or probe you, or melt your face or hide amongst us so only people with special glasses can see them. They are never peaceful! Except for E.T. But those agents didn't know that! They needed guns. Big guns. And lots of them. Kids aren't dumb. They know soldiers carry guns. They wouldn't wilt from seeing this.
Then there was Lucas. He decided he wanted Han Solo to be more heroic. So he figured he could just go back and change a pinnacle scene. Han already was heroic! In fact, seeing him struggle with his "scoundrel facade" is what made him so interesting. He was claiming to only care about money... but he was always there to do the right thing and help. He had internal struggle... and it was fun!
Not only did he attempt to ruin the character, the manner in which he did it was so outrageously idiotic that many fans (ok maybe it's just me) will never let it go. Trained bounty hunters are good at fighting. You would imagine that in order to survive they must be skilled with a blaster. Very skilled. If a bounty hunter is good enough to find a hero like Han Solo, they must be very good at their job. So... if they were to fire at a stationary target 3 feet away from them, how could they miss? They couldn't! There is no plausible way that a trained killer would miss from 3 feet away. And yet Lucas thought I was dumb enough to believe that Han fired out of self defense. Han fired to save himself so he could help move the hero's journey along. He fired because he had to. Never in my 45 years on earth have I ever heard a single person say, "Wow. Han is terrible. He killed poor Greedo in cold blood". Greedo even said he was about to kill Han. Would he have really just sat there?
Kids love movies about space. Do you know what else kids have liked forever? Westerns. Do you know what happens in Westerns? Good guys shoot bad guys before they can get shot. Kids aren't idiots. They aren't as weak as helicopter parents think. I doubt there were a lot of therapy sessions centered around " I can't believe John Wayne shot that poor desperado". Kids understood what was happening in Star Wars. If they didn't, then they shouldn't be at that movie. The word "WARS" is in the damn title!
What makes me even more confused/furious is that Lucas wanted to protect little kids from that scene in Star wars... yet he has the "hero" of the prequels (Anakin Skywalker) murder an entire room of youngling Jedis. Pick a lane Lucas!
So... kids can't handle Han defending himself, but writing this into a kids' story was ok?
To make matters worse, George Lucas refused to allow the original (good) versions to be released in a modern format (DVD or Blu Ray). I wish he would have allowed the fans to decide which version they like better. He would have made hundreds of millions of dollars. If he felt he didn't need the money, he could have donated all of the proceeds to charity. He could have fed thousands, provided immunizations to the children of entire countries, or started a scholarship for young artists. The list of good he could have done with the proceeds is endless. But he was stubborn. He wanted people to love his new versions as much as he did. But they didn't.
Again, I realize it is his property. He can choose to do whatever he wants. But I can choose to look down on him for not using this resource to help people... while throwing a bone to his loyal fans who made him a multi billionaire.
I can ignore adding Jabba to a New Hope. I can ignore extra explosions. I can ignore ridiculous dance numbers. I can ignore a horribly complicated story about trade federations and midichlorians. I can even ignore Jar Jar. But I cannot ignore the ludicrous idea that Han Solo would ever let Greedo get the drop on him. No way would Han Solo let Greedo fire first.
So in protest... I am
HAN SHOT FIRST!
And I'm a big dork.
Art by Joey Spiotto