As an Ecotrain passenger, here is my emotional answer to the title question. Tears have been shed writing this...
Whatever you do don't lose yourself and what is important to you...
It took 14 years of a difficult relationship to work that one out and I almost lost me in the process. I really feel like I just want to rewind at least the last 10 years, or just forget about them. (Apart from my gorgeous girls of course).
We met on a blind date and he beguiled with tales of his successful writing career (which turned out to be BS to start with), as that was always my dream and I obviously let him know that early on. He was mysterious, which at the time made him incredibly attractive.
Turned out he had a temper too and would often get in fights at the pubs and even arrested on occasion. He was known and when the police were called, there would always be at least 6 of them called to deal with him.
He was my perfect challenge to change. In hindsight, its myself that I should have worked on, but I'm doing that now.
For the first couple of years, everything was okish, until we had an arguement. He is one of those people who is always right, so you can argue till you are blue in the face and never win, or get an apology either.
It gets wearing after a while.
I started to bottle up stuff rather than talk to him to avoid arguements, because to be fair by that point he frightened me, I knew what he was capable of doing and got sadder and sadder and more and more alone, as I stopped going out and didn't really get on with anyone at work either.
He was clever, intelligent and I could always see his potential even if he couldn't. I tried to think of and include him in many a business idea over the years, too many to count. As we were 'together' and people who were 'together' didn't need to do things by themselves. I'd spend many an hour, day, week setting something up, only to be told we didn't do that bit together, so he was not interested, so back to the drawing board I went.
A year after we married (we'd been together 6 years by this point), I had an affair with a colleague at work. It started as a drunken dalliance on a company trip to Germnay, that should have never carried on really, or happened. But this person listened and to be fair I didn't really care if my husband found out at that point as I felt so permanently down and this would be a surefire way of getting someone else to do something about it.
About two weeks before the husband found out, he'd gone to Brighton and 'hired' someone to do something about someone who had thrown a brick through our window, so he said. It was never going to change. That is the last way, no never a way I would have dealt with anything.
So he found out about the affair and it almost ended the work colleague's life, or so I was told that would be what happened if I didn't stay. So I stayed - my mess, I would deal with it. I wasn't going to have someone's death on my conscious. I'd made it 6 years so far, so how hard would it be to continue.
I tried hard to rekindle what we had the beginning, but it was gone and it took another 7 years of sheer hell and perserverance to realise that nothing would ever change, despite promises of changes and trying to look for the best in each other and the birth of our daughters. (Oh and being pregnant didn't lessen the arguments either)
He attempted suidcide at one point, in the house, while the girls were asleep. We separated for a couple of months.
We moved to a flat near the sea for a new start. We tried again after that, he promised no more drinking. That lasted a few months, but the arguments didn't stop. The eggshells were still firmly on the ground.
The arguements, controlling behaviour and constant digs about stuff like turning a tap on full flow, winding up a toy too much, putting pasta in jar the right way just drove me nuts. But I still thought it was me.
It took someone else telling me it wasn't all in my head.
Somewhere in year 12, even making him a cup of coffee in the morning began to be a chore and everything I did or didn't do would be met with indifference or arguements.
Even two beautiful children didn't have the power to draw him out his bitter negative shell.
He was taking us all down with him.
I had to stand up for myself and my children, as we were all being emotionally affected.
So I finally got the courage from somewhere and him asked him to leave.
Don't let anyone bring you down.
There are only so many chances you can give, without it starting to destroy you too and losing the essence of you.
All this has made me stronger. I would also never hurt anyone by having an affair again - it wrecks lives and is undeniably the most selfish thing I have done in my life and something that I never thought I'd ever do, as it was the catalyst of my own parents divorce.
But it could have so easily gone the other way too, he could still be here, we could all still be miserable. Even now I sometimes question my decision to ask him to leave, but only cos I get tired of talking to the hamster and get a little lonely. I'm working on getting out the house, making new friends.
Essentially I want my children to see me happy and for them to be happy too. I don't want them making the same mistakes as me. I need to be a good role model. Not sure I can do much about my forgetfulness, but we are doing good for the most part.
I know in my heart this was the right decision for me and the children.
As I can finally be me again and the children are more relaxed and happy.
I will regualarly take a look at my life now and make sure it is where I want to be, not try to live someone elses dreams or bend to them.
If I want to give away £20 because I feel like it, I damn well will. (Something I got a lecture on just before last Christmas). My plans are to give away a hell of a lot more actually, but that's a story for another day.
Be you, don't let anyone take that away from you.
They can enhance it, yes.
They can support you, yes.
I am me, I like me and I don't care what the rest of world thinks.
I don't want people to go through life being surpressed by someone/something else, so I will speak out about emotional abuse and write (and act upon) delivering hope and making a difference.
And I will even still wear my heart on my sleeve, even if it means getting hurt sometimes.
But I will never again allow anyone to stop me from being unapologetically me.
