“Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF.” ― Mandy Hale

Those of you that have followed me from the beginning will know that from an early age (approx. 12) I began to walk a path that changed the rest of my life. Clubs, drugs, “sex and rock ‘n roll” as many would say.

I began that journey because I was emotionally NUMB. I had traveled a hard road up until that point in my life, and on one never to be forgotten evening, at a perfectly respectable “under 18’s” party that was geared for the younger, youngsters, I can remember the carrot being dangled in front of my face...

“hey… we are going to a club in town, do you want to come with…”

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So it happened. I went.

That was the singular moment that marked the beginning and shaped the next ten years of my life. It was a messy, MESSY road.

I am not going to get into too much detail about that in this post, if the course of the journey sparks your interest, you can read it here: @jaynie/you-in-the-sky-with-diamonds-rock-your-world-20

However, the moment I would like to share with you in THIS post, is the one that marked the end of that rocky road and the beginning of my journey to where I currently stand today.

There was nothing spectacular or noteworthy about that night… it was just another evening at someone’s house, discussing mostly people’s pipe dreams that were unlikely to ever come to fruition, whilst passing a beer bottle from one person to the next whilst smoking speed (methamphetamine) until 5am - at which point the “scrambling” began… hands started digging deep into pockets, handbags and bedside drawers - to put every coin mustered together on the floor, and establish if there was going to be enough to get our next “straw” of speed and continue the high…

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That night, there wasn’t enough…

And as the hours ahead unfolded, dropping from one plane down to the next, I began to look around me… in the corner of the room was an elderly man who had passed out on a single seater couch and had obliviously urinated in his pants, all over the couch and onto the floor.

On the other side of the room there was a couple having an argument and the guy was hitting his girlfriend, threatening her life if she didn’t “behave herself”. In the middle of the room I sat, amongst another group of people who continued with their mindless babbling, completely blind to what was going on to the left and right of us.

In that one moment, I made a decision. I can remember the words I spoke internally – “This is not what I want for myself and my life”. I got up and I walked out. I told my boyfriend at the time that this would be the last occasion I associated with any of these people and that should he wish to continue doing so, it would need to be the end of our relationship. Well, no points for guessing – that was the end of that.

A day passed and although the difficulty and temptation began to set in, I didn’t cave. I went to bed that night feeling so VERY confused and alone... but oddly relieved.

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That was the night I met myself.

When attempting to explain this experience to others, I feel as if I fail in many respects - as far as depicting the magnitude of its symbolism and how utterly powerful I simply KNEW it was.

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In a “dream” that night I was walking as my “then current self” in some kind of meadow or hilly area. In the distance I saw someone sitting on one of the hills. So I walked and walked and walked some more - until I eventually got quite close.

(ya... you can speak to my folks about that haircut...lol)

It was a little girl. She was sitting with her knees pulled up towards her chest and her head down in her lap. She was barefoot and extremely grubby. Her hair was dirty and clearly had not been washed or brushed in a while. I suddenly noticed that I recognised what she was wearing…

The dress she had on, was one which my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl.

(yes, this was the dress)

I approached her and I put my hand on her back in an attempt to offer her a little solace. Quite close now, she lifted her head off her knees and looked me dead in the eye.

I was looking straight into the eyes of my 5 year old self. She said nothing but just continued to glare at me with the most enormous amount of anger and pain in her eyes, yet somehow simultaneously emotionless.

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I was looking at myself. We were looking at each other.

This was unquestionably the most disturbingly powerful encounter I have had in my life… and irrespective of the fact that it didn’t happen on a “physical level”, I will never forget it and the impact it had on me.

I was heartbroken at the sight of “myself” –so horribly un-kept and unloved… it made me SO SAD… and then, it made me angry -

…and then… it made me CHANGE!

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