The Idealization Stage:
During the initial “idealization stage”, the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mold their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply. In the beginning of the relationship the narcissist showers the victim with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic, exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every moment with their new charismatic partner. They love how the narcissist is so beautifully intense and how they get drunk on life, and they too want to drink this elixir with them. Intense bonding begins for the victim, and innocently, they also believe that the partner feels the same way about them, that the relationship is reciprocal, but this is the narcissist’s biggest deception. Caught up in this alluring state of euphoria, the victim becomes “hooked” by the gaslighter’s exuberance and grandiose exaggerations. In this kind of relationship, victims are known to experience biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. These exciting hooks create a release of chemicals (endorphins) in the brain, and it is these endorphins (or pleasure substances) that make the victim feel the euphoria in the first phase of the relationship. Like any addict, they become addicted to that high, and very soon they find themselves hooked emotionally to their narcissistic suitor too. However, this honeymoon phase is only an illusion, all smoke and mirrors. Having expertly determined the victim’s strengths and weaknesses, the “Idealization Phase” is over, and it is time for the devaluation stage of the gaslighting to begin. From here on in, the narcissist seems to turn cold, unfeeling, and even bitingly cruel.
The Devaluation Stage:
The relationship has now shifted into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a state of constant chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy is directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when the narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behavior, the victim works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe. Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown into strong withdrawal symptoms. They are distraught with anxiety, turned inside out with confusion, and bereft of what they though they had, a soul-mate. In order to cope with the pain of this deep wound of abandonment and rejection, they escape into a range of unconscious defense mechanisms (a mix of denial, rationalization, infantile regressive patterns, cognative dissonance, trauma bonding etc.). Alone and isolated from the real world, these behaviors becomes their only way of surviving the narcissistic abuse, and the gaslighting they are now experiencing. No matter what they do, they only seem to create narcissistic injury to this stranger, and each time they do that, they inadvertently release an almighty rage down upon themselves (without even knowing how they are doing it). By merely engaging in these survival tactics, the victim becomes the hostage that is overly dependent on their captive (Stockholm Syndrome), where unpredictability and uncertainty is the order of their day. As a result, they are now caught in the macabre dance with the narcissist’s pathological grandiose self, where hell reigns supreme, and they regress into infantile regressive patterns of behavior (Regressed Infantilism). At this stage they are most likely suffering the effects of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), where they are reduced to a shadow of their former self. Finally they are at the mercy of the whims and pleasures of their “puppet master”. The narcissist despises who their supply person has become; they view them as powerless, inferior and worthless victims, but at the same time, their worthless prey is providing them with a bountiful amount of narcissistic supply. Therein lays the paradox; the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more important and powerful the abuser gets to feel. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal and physical violent becomes. This “pull-push” scenario leaves the narcissist acting in a way that says, “I hate you, but don’t you dare leave me or I will kill you”. They will react to any perceived movement away from them as a threat to their narcissistic supply, therefore any show of self-determination by the victim will surly be devalued. The narcissist is merciless in the way they devalue the victim. Devaluation of the victim can be delivered through many different forms and levels of attack; through victims own attachment needs, their intellectual capabilities, physical body, sexuality, creativity etc. By this time, like Pavlov’s dogs, the victim has been conditioned, and appears to the outside world that they are willing partners in the narcissists “convoluted dance”. Even if they do manage to escape from that narcissistic individual, they are at high risk of future re-victimization and entrapment with other narcissists, because they are primed in a way that other narcissists can spot.
The Discarding Phase:
In this phase, the game comes to its final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the narcissist resists all attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness, and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of narcissistic supply.
The Plight of the Victims
- Disbelief
- Defense
- Depression
- Reliving: (Flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety etc).
- Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places or thoughts, emotional numbing, lack of interest, hopelessness etc).
- Arousal: (Difficulty concentrating, irritability, outbursts of anger, insomnia, hyper-vigilance etc).
The 7 Questions
- Do they try to persuade you to doubt the evidence of your senses and what you are thinking and feeling?
- Do they try to convince you that what you believe is wrong and what they believe is right?
- Do they react badly if you do not accept their version of the truth?
- Are they extremely persistent and sometimes keep the argument going long after you have asked them to please drop the issue?
- Do they attempt to bully you into admitting that they are 100% right and you are completely wrong?
- Are the facts always twisted so that they are the victim and you are always at fault?
- Do they twist and turn the truth and make such long and complicated arguments to prove their points that after a while you become thoroughly confused?
Living with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a bit like living in an alternate reality where you are expected to accept whatever the Narcissist says as true, even when it is obviously wrong. If you object, you are made to feel as if you are at fault. Like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland who tells a skeptical Alice that, “Why sometimes I have believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast,” Narcissists insist that you accept all their opinions as absolute truth. Even if you are clear in the beginning about the difference between reality and what you are being asked to accept, after a while most people begin to get too tired or afraid of their Narcissistic partners' anger to keep correcting them. It is a small step from there to actually beginning to doubt your own perceptions.
Stand Up and Refuse to Cower
This sounds kind of silly, but if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know what I'm talking about. When gaslighting happens, a narcissist wants to feel in control, so he will do his best to make you feel crazy. But if you do not allow him to intimidate or upset you, then you take back your power and become the rightful mistress (or master) of your own destiny. How do you do this? You simply REFUSE TO REACT in any negative way, other than to quietly stand up and remove yourself if necessary. Refuse to be confrontational. And watch the narcissist squirm. By not paying attention or giving him the satisfaction of a reaction, you cause the narcissist to feel irrelevant. That makes him upset and knocks him off-kilter - and he might even decide to go back into "charming" mode in order to get back his narcissistic supply (aka your attention). Either way, it stops the gaslighting - at least temporarily.