NARCASSISTIC ABUSE, aka GAS LIGHTING

The Idealization Stage:

During the initial “idealization stage”,  the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mold their victim  into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply.  In the beginning of the relationship the narcissist showers the victim  with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic,  exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and  interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every  moment with their new charismatic partner. They love how the narcissist  is so beautifully intense and how they get drunk on life, and they too  want to drink this elixir with them. Intense bonding begins for the  victim, and innocently, they also believe that the partner feels the  same way about them, that the relationship is reciprocal, but this is  the narcissist’s biggest deception. Caught up in this alluring state of  euphoria, the victim becomes “hooked” by the gaslighter’s exuberance and  grandiose exaggerations. In this kind of relationship, victims are  known to experience biochemical changes in the body and structural  changes in the brain. These exciting hooks create a release of chemicals  (endorphins) in the brain, and it is these endorphins (or pleasure  substances) that make the victim feel the euphoria in the first phase of  the relationship. Like any addict, they become addicted to that high,  and very soon they find themselves hooked emotionally to their  narcissistic suitor too. However, this honeymoon phase is only an  illusion, all smoke and mirrors. Having expertly determined the victim’s  strengths and weaknesses, the “Idealization Phase” is over, and it is  time for the devaluation stage of the gaslighting to begin. From here on  in, the narcissist seems to turn cold, unfeeling, and even bitingly  cruel. 

The Devaluation Stage:

The relationship has now shifted into  the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has  descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes  decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard  one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists  loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a  negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn.  Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they  become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation.  The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a state of constant  chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy is  directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the  positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when  the narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning  with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behavior, the victim  works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting  the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe.  Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown  into strong withdrawal symptoms. They are distraught with anxiety,  turned inside out with confusion, and bereft of what they though they  had, a soul-mate. In order to cope with the pain of this deep wound of  abandonment and rejection, they escape into a range of unconscious  defense mechanisms (a mix of denial, rationalization, infantile  regressive patterns, cognative dissonance,  trauma bonding etc.). Alone and isolated from the real world, these  behaviors becomes their only way of surviving the narcissistic abuse,  and the gaslighting they are now experiencing. No matter what they do,  they only seem to create narcissistic injury  to this stranger, and each time they do that, they inadvertently  release an almighty rage down upon themselves (without even knowing how  they are doing it). By merely engaging in these survival tactics, the  victim becomes the hostage that is overly dependent on their captive (Stockholm Syndrome),  where unpredictability and uncertainty is the order of their day. As a  result, they are now caught in the macabre dance with the narcissist’s  pathological grandiose self, where hell reigns supreme, and they regress  into infantile regressive patterns of behavior (Regressed  Infantilism). At this stage they are most likely suffering the effects  of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), where they are reduced to a  shadow of their former self. Finally they are at the mercy of the whims  and pleasures of their “puppet master”. The narcissist despises who their supply  person has become; they view them as powerless, inferior and worthless  victims, but at the same time, their worthless prey is providing them  with a bountiful amount of narcissistic supply. Therein lays the  paradox; the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become  narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more important and powerful  the abuser gets to feel. The more important and powerful the abuser  feels, the more blatant their verbal and physical violent becomes. This  “pull-push” scenario leaves the narcissist acting in a way that says, “I  hate you, but don’t you dare leave me or I will kill you”. They will  react to any perceived movement away from them as a threat to their  narcissistic supply, therefore any show of self-determination by the  victim will surly be devalued. The narcissist is merciless in the way  they devalue the victim. Devaluation of the victim can be delivered  through many different forms and levels of attack; through victims own  attachment needs, their intellectual capabilities, physical body,  sexuality, creativity etc. By this time, like Pavlov’s dogs, the victim  has been conditioned, and appears to the outside world that they are  willing partners in the narcissists “convoluted dance”. Even if they do  manage to escape from that narcissistic individual, they are at high  risk of future re-victimization and entrapment with other narcissists,  because they are primed in a way that other narcissists can spot. 

The Discarding Phase:

In this phase, the game comes to its  final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by  the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist  by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist  ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the  contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally  indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect  they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left  confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order  to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the narcissist resists all  attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if  there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the  victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have  drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness,  and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of  supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed  the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of  narcissistic supply. 

The Plight of the Victims

  • Disbelief
  • Defense
  • Depression
  • Reliving: (Flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety etc).
  • Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places or thoughts, emotional numbing, lack of interest, hopelessness etc).
  • Arousal: (Difficulty concentrating, irritability, outbursts of anger, insomnia, hyper-vigilance etc). 

The 7 Questions

  1. Do they try to persuade you to doubt the evidence of your senses and what you are thinking and feeling?
  2. Do they try to convince you that what you believe is wrong and what they believe is right?
  3. Do they react badly if you do not accept their version of the truth?
  4. Are they extremely persistent and sometimes keep the argument going long after you have asked them to please drop the issue?
  5. Do they attempt to bully you into admitting that they are 100% right and you are completely wrong?
  6. Are the facts always twisted so that they are the victim and you are always at fault?
  7. Do they twist and turn the truth and make such long and complicated  arguments to prove their points that after a while you become thoroughly  confused?

 Living with someone who has Narcissistic Personality  Disorder is a bit like living in an alternate reality where you are  expected to accept whatever the Narcissist says as true, even when it is  obviously wrong.  If you object, you are made to feel as if you are at  fault.  Like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland who tells a  skeptical Alice that, “Why sometimes I have believed as many as six  impossible things before breakfast,” Narcissists insist that you accept  all their opinions as absolute truth.  Even if you are clear in the  beginning about the difference between reality and what you are being  asked to accept, after a while most people begin to get too tired or  afraid of their Narcissistic partners' anger to keep correcting them.  It is a small step from there to actually beginning to doubt your own perceptions. 

More Info

 Stand Up and Refuse to Cower 

This sounds kind of silly, but if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know what I'm talking about. When gaslighting happens, a narcissist wants to feel in control,  so he will do his best to make you feel crazy. But if you do not allow  him to intimidate or upset you, then you take back your power and become  the rightful mistress (or master) of your own destiny. How do you do this? You simply REFUSE TO REACT in any negative way,  other than to quietly stand up and remove yourself if necessary. Refuse  to be confrontational. And watch the narcissist squirm. By not paying  attention or giving him the satisfaction of a reaction, you cause the  narcissist to feel irrelevant. That makes him upset and knocks him  off-kilter - and he might even decide to go back into "charming" mode in  order to get back his narcissistic supply (aka your attention).  Either way, it stops the gaslighting - at least temporarily. 


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