Why Can’t They Control That Screaming Child? We have all seen it. The child having a major tantrum in the supermarket while its parents vainly attempt to placate them. How many of us must have briefly had the thought ‘that child is totally out of control’ closely followed by another that ‘’it must be the parents fault the kids acting up like that’? I must hold my hand up and say that I used to. Before some of you condemn me for being intolerant please note the use of the words ‘used to’ there. A series of experiences involving my family and I forced me to re-evaluate how I viewed such incidents. Let me explain.
Our son has never had a paid job in his life. He has stolen money from us and skipped numerous days from collage. He used to drink himself to sleep on a regular basis and wouldn’t talk to us or his siblings for days on end. He did three overdoses using over the counter drugs. He self harmed and had episodes of deep depression. He also became increasingly angry with his mother and others. One day he even smashed up his bedroom with a sledge hammer. Bed, wardrobe and book case were all broken up until all they were good for was the skip. All this took place within the space of around six years from the age of seventeen to the age of twenty three.
It started slowly at first. My wife and I initially put his moods and non-communication down to ‘being a teenager’. When he started to have depressive episodes and his first overdose we sought medical help which took the form of anti depressants and a few sessions of psychotherapy. We then stumbled through a period of highs and lows where our son would seem to be reasonably ok for a while before doing something that brought everything crashing down again. You can imagine the strain this placed on the rest of the family. Times were not good.
The turning point occurred after the bedroom smashing incident. Our son was referred to a mental health nurse who, after only a half hour session, turned to us and said “I think your son may have Asperger syndrome so I’m going to refer him for an assessment”. That single sentence started a chain of events that changed our lives. Neither of us had heard of this thing labelled Asperger Syndrome before but after a quick trawl of the Internet we discovered a whole wealth of information about this condition.
This following is taken from website of The National Autistic Society and explains better than I ever could what Asperger syndrome is (see - http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx)
"Like other autism profiles, Asperger syndrome is a lifelong developmental disability that affects how people perceive the world and interact with others.
People with Asperger syndrome see, hear and feel the world differently to other people. If you have Asperger syndrome, you have it for life – it is not an illness or disease and cannot be 'cured'. Often people feel that Asperger syndrome is a fundamental aspect of their identity.
Autism is a spectrum condition. All autistic people share certain difficulties, but being autistic will affect them in different ways. Some people with Asperger syndrome also have mental health or other conditions, meaning people need different levels and types of support.
People with Asperger syndrome are of average or above average intelligence. They do not usually have the learning disabilities that many autistic people have, but they may have specific learning difficulties. They have fewer problems with speech but may still have difficulties with understanding and processing language.
With the right sort of support, all can be helped to live a more fulfilling life of their own choosing".
The assessment our son undertook consisted of five, one hour family sessions. The assessor was very thorough and asked many questions about our sons life all the way from babyhood up to the present day. She delved into all aspects of our family life even asking us about previous generations. She managed to tease out information from our son that even we as parents did not know.
As the sessions progressed my wife and I began to identify a lot of my son’s behaviour as possibly being linked to Asperger syndrome. We began to understand that he had coped with his anxieties and difficulties while at school because he had started there in preschool and had grown up with most of the children (we lived in a reasonably small village at that time). He felt safe. He then moved on to higher school with a lot of his friends and so had them as a buffer while he adjusted to his new environment. The problems had started when he then moved on to college. Most of his friends had gone off to do other things and he was suddenly on his own. His anxiety and insecurity grew and the symptoms of Asperger syndrome that he had managed to control and suppress started to manifest themselves.
The assessor team were fantastic with us and our son and after a short wait they produced a report confirming a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome. Our son was by then twenty three which is quite late in life to be diagnosed. As health professionals have become more aware of the warning signs Asperger syndrome and autism in general are now generally identified early in life. This allows help and support to be given through the child’s formative years so hopefully avoiding the kind of problems our son had.
It was amazing how being able to put a label on his condition helped our son. Now we understood the underlying cause of what he was going through we could identify his limits and devise ways of helping him cope. He knew that he wasn’t ‘broken’ but it was just the way he was. He became much more excepting of things and has now come much further than we dared to hope for during the dark days when we didn’t know what was wrong. He still has bad times but has now been accepted on to a horticultural therapy scheme which has boosted his self esteem tremendously. I will do a future post on this wonderful organisation very soon.
On a personal level I have become much more tolerant. I no longer jump into instant judgments of people when confronted with seemingly baffling or anti social behaviour. That screaming child in the supermarket that the parents seem unable to control for instance. I have come to learn that the child may have autism or some other condition and may possibly be suffering from a panic attack. The parents in that case will be trying to make the most of a bad situation while giving their child the support it needs. I have learnt to give them both some slack.
Other posts I have done
How too much news may not be good for us
Thanks for reading and take care till next time.