So I stumbled upon a truth today; I’m not a very nice person. I’ve rarely been able to help someone without having an ulterior motive. Well, I guess that isn’t quite true. There are, of course, the odd occasion where I carry out a random act of kindness, but, even then, usually, if I dig deep enough it isn’t necessarily done purely out of kindness. Deep down I’m usually angling for something. For attention from someone, for a favour owed by someone else, or in most cases purely because I want someone to have a good impression of me.
This is where Emma comes in. Emma. The girl who makes me want to better myself, in the hope that, one day, I’ll deserve to have my feelings reciprocated. But, that in itself is rather selfish, right?
After spending 6 hours helping her yesterday, I managed to spend 3 hours helping Jodie and George today, despite there being no reason Emma would know. I helped for no other reason than they needed help. A strange concept for an aspirational narcissist. I’ve never been able to be selfless before; I’ve never really seen the point. Am I changing? Becoming a better person? Temporarily or permanently? A girl has never had an affect on my core personality before. Yet this one is managing to, why?
I realise that this would have no bearing on the situation any way. Emma has a boyfriend. A long-term one. Apparently they are moving in together.
…
So why am I being driven to change?