An original life story of 2016, by Robyn of Eggs
Sometimes It's the Big Things
Yeah, I just said that. And yeah, I earned it. I never thought I would have it - much less the hole in my soul filling. Sure, there could be other things I have accomplished, almost as great, but none like the satisfaction of having him hear my plea; of winning peace of mind; of receiving his praise; of being in the right; of "saving" my child. (Looking back, my biggest struggle of 2016 was my family law case for child custody.)
I filed a motion for modification of custody in June 2016, due to extenuating circumstances. I attended two separate hearings in September and December. The first one did not go as I had planned. The second one...sort of did. I did, however, succeed at securing the majority. And I was surprised at the outcome, considering the Judge had threatened to move in disfavor of me, just for asking the first time. Yes, he literally said that to me. The trial and tribulation of it all had made me very distraught. And to win, after all that...
Depression was at my heels because of it all. It was not an easy choice. If it had of been easy I would have made the decision, pressed for it, and moved on. But it was not that simple. Usually I operate off of the "cost vs benefit line" - If the cost is greater than the benefit I won't do it, but if the benefit is greater than the cost, I will. Stacking up the reasons, side-by-side, was a very tedious task, morally and emotionally exhausting.
On the one hand, at least Dad existed. He could be there as another adult to provide relief for me when I needed someone to take the kid most. But could I? When kiddo was there, his well-being weighed heavy on my mind. My biggest concern was his Grandma and Uncle who were constantly yelling at and berating each other.
Was anything positive ever said? The Grandma was physical and used force aside from yelling to see her wishes executed. And the lot of them didn't know the first thing about the special needs of our kid - the level of positive reinforcement and behavioral reinforcement needed. And the yelling, again the yelling, always yelling - in anger. That's the other hand, see.
I called CPS. I made a police report. But when nothing came back I had to ask myself, how much is it all really? Is it all in my head? Or are bad things occurring now which I am unable to control? Is it just because bad things happened in the past? Other single Dads were telling me I needed to let Dad have half the custody, no matter what; that there was nothing I could do about it. I settled on society - it's society's fault (not my own, lol). And that is how I first tried to justify it and let it go. But I couldn't. It just ate at me and ate at me.
Perhaps society has laws that allow terrifying and harmful acts to occur - without criminal consequence? Perhaps they don't. Perhaps society has created laws for acceptable behavior based on the average of what is considered to be a criminal act. And for that I should consider myself lucky. I should not focus on the terrible, nor allow the past to write over the pages of my existence [train whistle blows in the snow, fresh and powdery]...
But then Dad said something to me that caused me to go into court the next day and file the motion for sure. We had constant battles over my wishes and his. I attempted to communicate the details of consistency I felt kiddo needed across homes. He needed the same meal and bedtimes so that he knew what was coming and felt safe. He needed to do this, this, and this to reinforce kiddo's communication and toilet training growth.
He said, "That will never happen, never." Apparently he didn't have the capacity to conform to even a small list of consistent reinforcements. So then I knew that I had to take control. I had to at least take a majority control. Our child hadn't learned to speak nor go poo in the potty yet - at age 5! He is in Kindergarten now and is unable to communicate vital information about himself. He needs to be shown what to do over and over again, for what seems an eternity, to be able to grasp the same concept another child his age would.
It was even similar to the two dachshunds we had just trained! Dachshunds take a year to potty train and notoriously difficult to train because their breed is so cunning. You must never waver as their teacher. We had to constantly tell them both NO over and over again until finally, a year later and more, they were house broken. The same seemed to be true for our child. In a way he required a phenomenal effort that I believed Dad was unable to rise to the occasion to nor even recognize that he could not. Dad was in denial.
It was to be expected even. Of course Dad didn't get it. He couldn't grasp it. He was too weak and stubborn. But I have rose to the occasion, and I am not backing out. I must be the rock for my child to crash upon, over and over again, as many times as he needs to until he feels safe.
Daily tension and agony, finally broken
The tension and agony bore down on me such as I had never experienced before. This was my child, of course I believed myself to be right - beyond a shadow of a doubt! But I found myself without grounds to stand on in court. I found myself making loose claims with minor evidence. How was I supposed to win? How was I supposed to take majority custody without just-cause; without criminal charges? I did however, stay consistent, follow the rules, and eventually bank off of my original strategy (waiting for the other party to mess up).
The first hearing did not go as I had hoped. I was berated for wanting the Petitioner to have so little contact with the child. Understandable. How was I to convey to the court my disgust, horror, and trepidation? And how was I going to separate that from my case for custody - the case built around a plea for consistency? Certainly having a deep hatred of someone is no grounds for obstructing Fatherdom, as the Judge put it...
But then I won. I won then and there because I had already argued with Dad over what was to happen when kiddo started school. He had moved outside the district, too far away. That was his stupid fault. I had already registered the kid for school by me because he didn't know where he was going to get an apartment. And traveling back and forth to Dad and Mom's during the school week was too much of a wear on him. Kiddo needed to have a consistent schedule for school so he knew what was coming and felt safer. So Dad caved, assuming he would work it all out in court later.
Yes, kiddo needed me to provide him with security for the school week. This was a big transition into Kindergarten from preschool. That's a big increase in hours from 3 hours/twice a week to almost 8 hour school days Monday-Friday. And so, when the moment was ripe, I asked the Judge for a temporary order supporting me in custody of the school week; because that's the way it was. That's the way it was and it needed to stay that way. And the Judge ruled it so and set another hearing date two months out. Two months is sort of a long time, long enough to get established as a dependent schedule for the little guy.
And so I had won. Now all I needed to do was to continue my plea for consistency and accept that I was never gonna get 100% full-time custody with only supervised visits for Dad. Dad was gonna get enough parenting time to legally justify his Fatherdom...
The second hearing was just as dreadful - I cried even more - but the Judge did rule in favor of me. And the crazy thing is - it did happen the way I suspected it might - Dad did fuck up!! I had dressed for success, packed my briefcase and left early to take the back-country roads. He showed up in his work uniform - as if he had completely forgotten about his court date. Dad proved he had no desire to research further the things he would have needed to to match my argument. I conceded and asked for half parenting time and full legal custody. Judge acted upon the Petitioner's clear disrespect for the rules of the court, and awarded me even more than I asked for by ruling on the temporary order in place.
I won. Even though Dad said horrible, horrible things to me, pre-hearing, while we sat on the bench outside, I won. Even though I had to go to bathroom and wail a bit and stay in there until my face calmed down, I won. Even though I was over-emotional, I won. I had exhausted myself, really. I was ready to accept my fate. And yet, not only did I win, but I earned the respect of the Judge. He praised my cool, calculated motion and commitment. And he berated Dad for not doing more, awarded me sole legal custody. Oh yeah, that felt good!
And so I get to go into 2017 brand new. I get to be brand spanking new and winning! My mind is relieved and my body is recovering from the shoulder tension. My little guy is mostly my own, to culture and nurture as I see best. And I am SO RELIEVED!
The Little Things
Next up on Steemit...It's the Little Things that make life worth living for:
- My evil twin, Robyn B Screiber (This B actually exists and supposedly looks just like me! My doppelganger has had close brush ups with me before, but I have never met her...maybe someday I will! :-O)
- Resolution Disdain: My resolution is to not have a resolution because I don't have time to waste on false hopes. It's do or die this year. Do it - or don't! Hence the theme song below
- Theme Song of 2017: Shia LeBeouf
Follow me @robyneggs for more eggsciting shit
