I shared on @nat5an's blog the other day that I have been taking my life into my own hands. What that means for me is choosing to live for myself in ways that honor my mental health and creativity. For years I lived in the shadow of my parents' fear. Since having children of my own and learning how easy it would be to pass on their fear in the form of physical and emotional violence as they did with me, I have stepped away again and again from the toxic patterns instructed to me.
I choose not to live my life by fear, but by joy.
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While my choices have been judged as hedonistic, I am a person who is cautious and practices moderation in all things. I like to plan ahead, to be certain I want to commit to any lifestyle change and choice, and waited three years for my latest foray into the "land of the damned" as my family sees it.
I will be sharing more about that in a deeper piece. It will require some serious energy and writing to tell you about what I chose and why. It's nothing huge, actually, but it's huge for me because it creates a boundary.
I dislike being vague, and I apologize. I promise I'll be clearing this up. There are just some things you want to say the right way on the blockchain. You get me?
One topic I do want to bring up is that we are all capable of honoring ourselves in myriad, beautiful ways that do not necessarily match what we were brought up with. I was indoctrinated to a set of beliefs about my mind, my soul, my body, what I could and could not achieve and more. It was religious in nature and focused on what punishments I would receive in this life and the next. What I have seen is that the people who taught me to believe this way are, just as I was, comforted by the structure of the beliefs but also made miserable because they will never meet the standards they believe God is judging them by. This path is not for me.
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Every day I go minute by minute trying to do the next right thing. This has necessitated medication for mental illness in order to be present for my children, a dramatic shift in diet in order to be healthy physically and combat ADHD, a gym commitment that is also a financial commitment, therapy, and a regular writing practice.
It was when I began to live for myself that I began to achieve my dreams.
Tomorrow, I begin teaching my local Memoir class. Last week began my online Trauma Writing classes. I am still running The Relationship Blogger alongside my dear friend @raymondspeaks. I am coordinating my daughter's Daisy Scout troop and was able to ask three other parents to step in and support in various roles. They said yes, and we had our first cookie sales booth yesterday at the gym. It went very well! Obligatory cookie shop link for my older daughter who has not had nearly as much luck selling cookies. I have also been able to gain an income writing here on Steemit. That's a big freaking deal.
Teaching, writing and community connection are my dreams. I could not be prouder of who I am, where I am and how I have come to this place. Life can be a celebration. Even when it seems things are going South, celebration is what I'm choosing.