We have 3 kids. Identical twin boys, 19, who just started college last month at separate universities, and a daughter who is 13. The boys now come home from school most weekends since their schools are within a couple of hours of our house. This is a big adjustment for all of us, and I like that they want to come back home frequently. But, basically at the end of each weekend when they leave to go back to school I feel a sadness. For me it's like they are leaving home all over again every weekend.
Each time as they go back I feel like, "wait, wait… There was so much more I wish we had done together!" In one way I mean this about the weekend we just had together, but on a larger level I'm also referring to their whole childhood. 😳 It is a mom thing I know...always thinking we should have/could have/would have done more. But, Each time my boys go back to school after visiting home for the weekend I am mildly dealing with this struggle inside.
I'm struggling to accept that their whole childhood is done.
Garden of the Gods, CO
Where did all of that time go and how the hell did this all happen so fast?!
I shared my feelings with their father trying to explain why I get sad every Sunday night, and he said "Thanks for this explanation. It makes sense. If I could raise them all over again, I know I would do so much better now. But, that's not how the world works. Parents ever only get "on the job training". Regardless, the boys are grown now. We are here for them, but they have different priorities now. As hard as it is for us to accept, they probably don't/won't want to see us any more than we want to see our own parents. It's just the way the world works. We need to honor that and not let our regrets about our past parenting, or our nostalgia for the past, cause us to be clingy with them. Home is always home, so until they are settled in their own they will always likely prefer our house over their dorm/apartment, but let's not kid ourselves--it's home they want, not us. And, that's as it should be." His wise words comforted me for a couple of days, but then my angst returned.
Great Sand Dunes National Park, CO
It's not like we neglected them or were really bad parents. We traveled with them, took them to parks, enjoyed movie nights together, got them the best tutors, healthcare, Etc. But could we have done more? Sure. Were we perfect? No. Are we supposed to be perfect? Of course not.
Basically I'm questioning - were we good enough parents?
Puerto Rico
Are they well prepared to survive on their own? How much of how they turn out is nature versus nurture? How do we continue to support and encourage them as they go off to college without it becoming enabling? That last part is very fine line...
I think it would have helped me to have clarified my parenting intention or aspirations many years ago. I never really had one as they were growing up. Part of me feels like I just cleaned, fed, tended fires as things blew up and greased the squeaky wheels for the last 19 years. But perhaps it's not too late and this can still serve to help me and my kids now and going forward.
So for now my parenting aspirations are these: to raise kids who know how to live independently, who know they are loved for who they are, but who continue to strive to see themselves and life with ever more clarity. They pursue their passions vs what society/peers imply they should pursue. They are compassionate towards others. They know that open communications, honesty and reliability are THE cornerstones to healthy relationships and essential to feeling at peace within themselves. And they know those qualities come from practicing self discipline...like doing first things first even when they don't feel like it, and seeking help when they don't know how to proceed. And when they make mistakes they know only way out is through...they admit what happened to themselves and their parent/boss/friend/Etc and recommit to the practice.
House Mountain, TN
Trying to stay mindful of my aspirations as they come back home this afternoon for the weekend. The past is the past. There is only here and now.
I would be grateful for any parenting wisdom you have to share in the comments below.
(xoxo for the lovely photos - credits to my @sean-king)