We've all been there.
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Catch up on All Natural:
Introduction to All Natural: Being 100% You
- featuring @sarahpaine and @strangerarray
- featuring @sarahpaine and @strangerarray
What’s Good For Others Might Be Killing You
- Chapter One of All Natural: Being 100% You
- Chapter One of All Natural: Being 100% You
Establishing Your Currency: Hint it doesn't have to be money
- Chapter Two of All Natural: Being 100% You
- Chapter Two of All Natural: Being 100% You
Chapter 3 of All Natural: Being 100% You
- featuring @sarahpaine and @strangerarray
- featuring @sarahpaine and @strangerarray
The other day I was sitting in a presentation and was zoned out.
People were discussing their thoughts on the topic at hand and I was just waiting to go.
My mind was elsewhere.
I was tired.
My brain just didn’t care and so I was unable to focus.
In this particular situation it wasn’t a case of “burn out”, but I was close.
Too close.
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At times we can get to this point in life because of the decisions we made.
The way we see it, when “burn out” happens, it is usually caused by one of two equal but opposite set of circumstances.
It happens when you are being a superhero (+) when no one asked you to or being a martyr ( - ) when nobody cares.
What do we mean by these terms?
The superhero tries to be everything for everybody in a positive manner. The martyr takes on responsibility that no one asks them too and then feels hurt when nobody notices.
Both are recipes for disillusionment.
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Let’s take a closer look at these two personalities and see where they go wrong and what to do about them.
The superhero:
Like we mentioned, the superhero tries to be everything for everybody.
This is usually done in a positive manner, but that doesn’t make it any less wearing.
The deal is that we think it is a wonderful thing to be able to help others.
However, the problem starts when someone tries to help people who don’t need it or don’t even ask.
Sometimes the superhero tries to step into a situation and provide a solution that is not needed or unwanted.
The superhero thinks they are doing a good thing, but they are not well received because they didn’t go through with the normal social avenues of providing positive help.
Another way the superhero comes to the end of their rope is when they try to do everything.
This can happen in a variety of ways.
The superhero may be masking their inability to say “no” with an overextension of their help.
Instead of having healthy boundaries, the superhero says “yes” to any and all requests and then tries to handle it all on their own.
Superheros have a tendency to not ask for help and this leads to having an undue burden.
Often, superheroes are good people who are well meaning and so they want to help.
But at a point, it is too much.
One person can not do everything all on their own.
The martyr:
Martyrs have done great things for causes in History.
But usually, these historical martyrs are standing up in the face of overwhelming injustice and taking the bullet for being in opposition to the oppressors.
In our day and age, there are not too many things that require such dramatic stands.
There are a few, but many people, especially people inclined to this type, take on responsibility that no one asks them too and then feel hurt when nobody notices.
The thing is that this too is a position of trying to help others, which is good.
But the martyr goes about it the wrong way.
Again, in their attempts to be helpful they may insert themselves into some conflict or other situation where their services are not requested or needed.
Instead of offering their help, they take it upon themselves to do what needs to be done.
Often these martyr types when taking on as much as they can and then some.
They will convince themselves they are doing good and that without them people would be worse off.
I think this is just masking insecurities and fear of not being valued by others.
Instead of having healthy relationships that have appropriate reciprocity, the martyr thinks they are able to give everyone their all and get nothing in return.
It is good to give without expectations for getting something back, but it is another thing entirely to refuse all attempts by others to repay you.
The martyr can not accept anything in return or they would no longer have their story of being needed to fall back on.
This also boarders on megalomania.
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The way out of both situations can be the same.
The first step is recognizing the tendencies and then taking steps to avoid the problems.
Helping others is great and should be done.
In the proper context.
Taking responsibility for everything, whether or not you should, isn’t helping.
Find ways to cooperate with people.
Do things with others instead of just doing them for them.
Taking time for yourself to get done what you need to be done.
Saying “NO” to people you care about for the good of everyone.
Don’t let your “default” answer be “yes” to requests from others.
Take your time in making decisions that commit your time or efforts and see if it actually makes sense for you to accept the request.
Saying yes, especially to things that stress you out, will stress you out.
So know your limits.
If you know something will make you stressed, find other ways around it.
But how?
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The best way to get around these sticky situations is by “Hitting the reset button”.
“If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got.” - Unknown / Disputed
The above quote makes you realize that you need to make a change to get different results.
We think that the change that is best is to build margin into your life.
That might look like the taking of time to think about your answer before agreeing to something.
Or giving yourself a little extra time in the morning so you don’t rush out the door.
Whatever it is that is causing extra stress could usually be relieved if you had just a little extra time.
Our superhero and martyr or both usually stressed out because they don’t have the time to get done what they need to get done.
If they had some margin, some room for error, or space to take a break… then they could relax a bit and breathe.
“Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it.” - Daniel Kahneman
When you realize this, then you can take your time to re-think about things at a slower pace.
Sometimes you may need an extra day or week, or maybe all you need is just one breath and heartbeat of pause before answering.
The point is to slow down.
And make a habit of slowing down.
All Natural people take the time to hit the reset button. This might be every morning for some folks. But for us sometimes it is several times throughout the day.
When things get overwhelming there is a choice how to proceed. Giving in and being upset is the easy way. Standing up for yourself is harder. But worth it.
Next week we will take a look at Playing Alone: Finding Individual Activities And Hobbies. Most all of us are busy and always up to something. Instead of relaxing and having margin in our life we go go go!
But what can we do about it?
Stay tuned.
Stay interesting.
Stay Strange.
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