Yesterday I read a post by @acatus1013 about an old friend whom has kept herself away from all other friends after her boyfriend’s sudden death to cardiac disease. I felt very bad for her friend and wish that she’s able to recover from this tragedy and stand up again.
I guess the story kind of stuck with me, at night, I was listening to audio book while working out, they happened to talk about a book by Sheryl Sandberg called [Option B]. Most of us know Sheryl Sandberg, a Harvard grat and a very successful Facebook COO. She shares how the 3P’s has helped her to get through the biggest setback in her life, ie sudden death of her husband in 2015. I realized right away that this could be a good book for @acatus1013’s friend. If she learns about this, maybe she’s able to stand up again. I purchased the book right away when I got home and have started to read it as I want to learn more about the 3Ps.
The 3Ps determines our ability to deal with setbacks and how resilience we are. The 3Ps are personalization, pervasiveness and permanence.
· Personalization is whether you attribute what has occurred as your fault. It’s always easy to blame ourselves every time when something bad happened. Like @acatus1013’s friend, I guess maybe she has been thinking that the sudden death of her boyfriend was her fault. She may have a lot “what if”, and “if I have had done that” thoughts. But this is really not something she can control. His doctor had not identified his disease, how could have her who majored in something else? Sandberg stressed that “NOT everything that happens to us happens because of US”. We can’t change what has happened, don’t let self-blame hold you down, try to see all other beautiful things in life.
· Pervasiveness refers to whether the experience will affect EVERY part of your life. When things happened, we feel like the life is over. But life goes on and will get better if we let it. Let your minds off the tragedy and look for positive things in other areas like life, jobs, families etc. Give yourself and life another chance. I had a terrible experience with online dating and I was desperate. But it didn’t stop me from trying again. I am living happily with my husband whom I found online. Life only gets better if you let it.
· Permanence explains if you see the negative feeling out of the event will last forever. Sandberg said she learned that "we should accept our feelings — but recognize that they will not last forever.” It’s ok to feel bad or hopeless, but also take heart that you will feel a little less hopeless one day soon.
I am still reading the book and really enjoy what I have read so far. Where I stopped is how Sandberg used the 3Ps to help a girl whom was raped by her colleague after she offered to give him a ride home. I am hoping maybe @acatus1013’s friend can read this book too. Or maybe try to speak with a therapist or someone she trusts. Learning the 3P may be a good start for her. If she’s able to stand up from this setback, she may find herself to be stronger. I wish @acatus1013 is able to find her friendship back.
昨天我读了@acatus1013[远去的她]的文章。很为她的朋友难过。 也为她现在的状态担心。 自从她男朋友因为心脏疾病突然去世，她的这位朋友就把自己给包裹起来，基本上断绝和朋友的联系。我对她的不幸感到遗憾。真心希望她能够尽快走处这种状态，给自己第二次机会。
晚上，我在跑步的时候边听音频，非常巧的是，他们正好在谈Sheryl Sandberg 的一本书叫[另一种选择]。大家应该对Sheryl Sandberg 比较熟悉，哈佛毕业的高材生，脸谱公司的COO。她在书里和大家分享了她是如何运用3P 来帮她渡过2015 年突然失去亲爱的丈夫的悲剧和痛苦。我一边听着，马上就想到这本书很有可能能够帮到@acatus1013 的那位朋友。如果她也学会了运用3P， 说不定她又可以重新站起来。 所以一回到家里，我马上到网上买了这本书。
3P 决定着我们处理挫折的能力和恢复力。3P 指的是：个人化，广度和永久度。
· Personalization（个人化）- 指的是人们是否把发生事情的责任归咎到自己身上。当挫折出现的时候，指责自己总是最容易的。就象@acatus1013 的朋友，我猜她一定闪过很多比如“如果”，“我要是那么做”之类的念头。但是，事情的发生不是她能够控制的。 男孩的医生都没办法提前诊断出他的病情，更何况不是医生的她？ Sandberg 强调说：“不是所有发生在我们身上的是都是因为我们自己的原因发生的。” 事情发生了后果已经不能更改不要让自我指责把你给湮没了。试着放眼去看看生活中其他美好的事情。
· Pervasiveness（广度）- 指那件事情是否就影响了你生活的方方面面。 当事情发生的时候，我们可能会觉得生命已经到了尽头。 但是，其实生活还是会继续，而且如果你允许它的话，会更加精彩。 把思想从悲剧上移开，把眼光聚集在其他积极的地方如工作，家庭等。给自己和生活另一个机会。我在网恋上有段悲痛的经验。我当时也是悲愤欲决。但是，我没有被它打倒，在哪跌的就在哪爬起来。我现在的生活就越来越好，也和老公幸福地生活着。他就是我在网上认识的。
· Permanence（永久度）- 指事件对你的影响是否是永久的。Sandberg说，从那段经历，她学到的是“接受自己的真实感觉，但是，同时也要清楚认识到这种痛苦将不会持续永久。事情发生的时候，觉得悲伤或绝望是正常的。 但是，要告诉自己这种感觉是会随着时间的推移而慢慢变淡的。
这本书我还读不多，但是我喜欢我已经读过的部分。我看到了Sandberg在自己从痛苦中出来后，是怎样运用3P 来帮助一位因为自愿送同事回家，反而被同事强奸的女孩那篇。我真的希望 @acatus1013 的朋友能有机会读下这本书。或者试着和心理医生或她信得过的朋友聊聊，初步了解3P 可能是个好的开始。如果她能够从这次悲剧中走出，她一定会成为更强大的人。 同时祝愿@acatus1013 能够找回她失去的友谊。
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