One day I was having brunch with a couple of friends and one of them stated that he never achieves anything which makes him feel useless then he said
"I am only wasting oxygen."
His words were too strong, I felt. To think of one living and breathing as a waste of oxygen!
My immediate answer to him was in the for of a question
"You never achieved anything in your life?"
"No, Nothing. I am struggling with everything"
He is originally from Iran and came to Canada to study, had the citizenship, finished masters I believe and now he is doing his PhD. So I asked
" What about your education. You are doing a PhD. That is something!"
"I am struggling with it, I don't feel like finishing my PhD. I feel like I have no aim or goal in life"
" You also got your Canadian citizenship. That is an achievement for many immigrants." I reminded him.
"But everyone get theirs easily as well" He dismissed it hastily.
" I don't agree. I think it is such a great achievement that you were able to get your Canadian permanent residency and citizenship without too much troubles or delays. I have been living here in Canada for the past 10 years and I just got my permanent residency after too much hassle and I have to wait another 4 years to get the citizenship. You may not think of it much since you have obtained it, but for me and many others it means a lot. It means safety and freedom. It means a second chance of new life and a new opportunity with happiness and success." I insisted.
"I guess.." He accepted reluctantly.
Then we went on chatting on other things until we parted ways..
On my way home, his words rang inside my ears again
I remembered my feelings of being worthless many times in the past to the point that I didn't want to be alive anymore! That was back when I was in Saudi Arabia, where I was not allowed to do anything in life mainly because I was a girl. I hated those days and those feelings. But the funny part, is that I worked hard to make myself feel worthless even after I came to Canada for quite a while. How?"I am only wasting oxygen."
I noticed that when I want to do "something", I always find a way to make it NOT happen. Either by procrastination, by pretending to be too busy or by dismissing the idea of it all together as "something" I can't do. And the more I want to do that “something” the more I try to find reasons not to do it.
After a while, I remember that “something” again, which I never forgot in the first place, and think
“Ah, it’s too late to do it now!”.
From there I enter into a cycle of self deprecation, guilt and regret and end up having another reason not to do anything I want to do, because now I am such a WORTHLESS LOSER and I don’t deserve anything since I wasted my chance to do those many “somethings”. before.
This cycle goes on and on and on…
But when I think about the reason behind this destructive behavior, I think it is the fear of failure and fear of judgment that causes us not to act on things we desire. Perhaps that is because if we fail, it means we are not good enough or we are less than other people. What is worse is that, if we fail, other people will see that we failed and they will think of us as worthless or useless. So, the bottom line is, we are afraid that our value in other peoples’ eyes will be diminished. Therefore, we are scared to take the steps necessary to try and fail. Rather, we try hard to prove to ourselves that we are useless to begin with and there is no need for us to try.
In my own experience from my past, I was never good enough with anything I do. I loved arts and drawings, but I was always told that I am not as good as my other siblings. I had high marks at school, but I was always punished in the rare occasions that I missed 0.5 from the full mark. If someone told me that I look beautiful, my mother will tell me
“No you are not. 'This or that' person are beautiful!”
I grew up always competing with others, whether I want it or not, and failing. I never won in any of these competitions.
Even when I finished my PhD, instead of saying a simple “congrats” I was told
“your cousin found a husband”
Which means that all those years of studying, hard work and my final achievement meant nothing.
Being in such environment most of my life was not easy. But I was stubborn and I wanted to prove those people who always put me down (my family) that they are WRONG . The funny/sad part is that even if I tried hard and succeeded, those people who I wanted to please will never be pleased. They will always find something else I didn't do to point it out. I finally ended up feeling there was no reason to try. That is, until I discovered how important for me to love and appreciate myself before anyone else does.
Since then, when I think of doing something and start making up reasons not to do it, I ask myself "How important this thing to me? and to whom I am doing it?"
If the answer is: “it is important to such and such” then I will try to figure out why I want the approval of such and such. After that I will decide whether it is a healthy choice to do something for the sake of someone else or not.
But if the answer is: “it is important to ME” then I will try to resist the negative feedback programming that has been installed inside my brain for a long time and find a way to do it for myself.
To tell you the truth, the process of defying this negative programming is not easy at all. I still hear the disapproving voices and see the mocking eyes inside my head. They don’t give up easily but I am learning not to give up to them easily either.
If you don't have this problem, you may not be able to relate. So I say to you:
"lucky you and congrats to you for all your achievements past, present and future"
But, if you have such a problem then you will be able to relate. So, next time you have "something" you want to do and your negative programming mechanism started running, I hope you will remember asking yourself similar questions and I pray that you will reach the conclusion that YOU ARE WORTH IT no matter what other people say or think about you.
I hope you will start believing your worth even if you fail. Because each failure is a step to getting closer to success (Like the pain after a vigorous workout session).
Finally, to do or not to do is not the problem. It is the choice…
Dr. The leaping koala 🙂