I was having dinner with one of my dearest friends today. We were discussing several things and the atmosphere was nice, until he mentioned something and the atmosphere became heavy…
A while ago, I had a quarrel with that same friend and I stopped communicating with him for a while because I felt very hurt and angry. After a couple of months, I decided to reconnect with him since I believed that our friendship is more important than any misunderstanding. However, after discussing that issue again today, he mentioned that
“it looks like I will have to atone for this mistake for the rest of my life since I feel that you will never forgive me”.
Although I tried to get back to my normal and peaceful self to save the rest of the evening, I still felt bad for what happened because when I decided to reconnect with my friend, I also decided to forgive him for the way he hurt me back then. but it seems that I wasn't able to completely get over the hurt and what I found more interesting was that, apparently, my friend did not forgive himself either!
Forgiveness is truly difficult. Why? Because most of us humans like to feel, for the lack of better word, victimized or maybe better use empathized with. It is part of the psychology we have been raised with and was ingrained into our psyche from an early age. We see it everywhere as a way of seeking love and attention. For example, when a child is hurt, they get more attention and love from their parents and those around them compared to when they are healthy and kicking, where they will probably receive disapproving remarks of their active behavior. So, we grew up learning to use it to feed our little self (a.k.a ego) by seeking emotional compensations from the person(s) that caused the harm to us or from other people that may feel sorry for us. But when we forgive, it means that we let go of the this feedback loop of negative debt and stop getting compensation for our hurt feelings.
Forgiveness causes a dilemma to the ego because it believes that if we freed the person who hurt us from their debt to us then we no longer can seek sympathy anymore. The ego then thinks
“If I don’t have this or that person to blame then whom will I blame to get the attention I want in order to feel better?" .
It is essential to understand that the ego is just our little self that grew up feeling more loved by being wronged or hurt and it is doing what it knows to keep us happy.
Having said that, I don’t mean that if we don’t forgive ourselves or those who hurt us then we are bad people. Not at all. I have always thought that it would be unfair to ask someone who was abused or tortured to forgive the person(s) who inflicted that pain on them.
On the other hand, it is important to understand that forgiveness doesn't mean admitting that the person(s) who we need to forgive didn't hurt us or that by forgiving them it will erase the pain they caused from our memory. To the contrary, when we forgive someone that means we honestly accept that they wronged us and that we need to deal with the pain and the hurt that is lurking deep inside of us.
Until last year, I personally was thinking that I will never forgive some of my family members who were abusive and made my life hell back in Saudi. However, thankfully not too late, I realized that the disadvantages of holding onto pain and hurt is much more than of letting go. Because all the negative feelings I was holding against those family members were not hurting them, since they are far away physically and psychologically from where I am and most likely they think they were doing the right thing.
But those same negative feelings were destroying me and my life. They were holding me back from living my life like heavy chains. They were blocking my future path like huge rocks. The anger and hatred inside of me were like a foul liquid bubbling in a heated cauldron. They poisoned my body, imprisoned my soul and made my life stink with depression, self-loathing and fear. I went through multiple difficulties to gain my freedom from those people only to find myself imprisoned inside my own feelings toward them! I was physically free but not emotionally!
The net results? I was not (and will never be) free as long as I have those negative feelings inside of me. How helpful you think that was for me? I can tell you that was not very helpful.
Gladly, now I can say that I am working on these negative feeling and I am proud to say that my efforts are paying off slowly but nicely. I still cant say whether I am able to completely forgive my family or not, but I am working to free myself from the effect of being hurt. It is not about those who hurt me anymore; it is about me. I owe them nothing, neither I want from them anything. But I owe myself to set it free and let it be happy and live the moment and the future in peace. I think if I can reach that, then I will be free and the end results will be forgiveness in my heart without even trying to achieve it.
There are certainly people who had very bad experiences in their life and they are struggling to get over them. To those people I sincerely pray they will find their way to peace. However, in most cases, the hurt inflicted on us may not be significant at the beginning (as compared to abuse and torture for example). But the more we nurture our feelings of anger and pride, the more our hurt will get out of proportion until we finally find ourselves prisoners to our negative feelings and our ego’s need of attention, which is never satisfied.
Finally, to anyone reading this post. I hope you will realize that forgiveness (to yourself and others) is about you not anyone else. When you let go of any negativity inside of you, you will feel happier and live better. If the person that hurt you cares about you, then you may be able to talk to them and clear some of your negative feelings. But if it is someone who doesn't care about you or whom you will not meet again, then your negative feelings will only fester if you don’t deal with them and they will not hurt anyone but you.
I wish you all a life full of peace, love and forgiveness…
and please don't hesitate to share if you have similar experience
Sincerely,
The leaping koala 🙂
P.S: I apologize for re-posting my article about forgiveness again. I am hoping it will reach more people and hopefully inspire them in some way, as I am getting more exposure