How do I discipline my child?
A few months ago I started this blog and it's time for a follow-up post now.
How times change
This time I want to talk about teaching children respect and discipline. In my opinion 2 pillars that will remain with them the rest of their lives. I am not talking about ensuring that they march or salute when you need them to, but the discipline to remain at the dinner table until everyone is finished with dinner and the respect towards people and property, so that they take care of it and don't abuse it.
Last Tuesday my daughter came from daycare and a friend of hers had broken her necklace. The boy is a bit older than my daughter, but it's not the first time that he's broken something of hers. He's a good friend of hers, so they play a lot together and he's broken stuff on many occassions. Off course boys are a bit more rough handed than girls, but I do believe that if we teach our kids to be more careful and have more respect for other people's property, that we can avoid many of these situations.
Maybe a bit harsh, but you get the point
You reap what you sow
A few months ago we observed a beautiful example. We flew back from Crete and in the row in front of us were these parents who let their children run around the plane and they couldn't remain seated. Our kids were a bit younger, but they behaved themselves from take-off to landing.
Everyone knows what it's like on a plane, a stressed environment after a stressful experience at the airport, small seats, people cramped like sardines in a can, small isles which needs to be kept clear for the crew to ensure that they can serve you to any ridiculous request you might think of whilst in the air ... that you'd never think off at home ... and then there's these kids running around. This was just one example, but when it came to the food they were also very picky and there were more examples. And before you start saying 'that's probably just one family', there were actually 2 separate families where the kids behaved like that and this was not the first time we'd observed situations like this.
I believe for 100% in you reap what you what you sow. My kids, despite being younger and probably having less patience remained nicely with us, they eat what they're served and they say 'thank you' when you give them something.
Why
The key question that I ask myself and that anyone should ask themselves when their child is not behaving the way it should is why is the child misbehaving?
Reasons why a child is misbehaving:
- The child is tired, hungry or thirsty
- The child is sick
- The child is confused about where the line is drawn
- The child is not aware of why he/she is doing something wrong
- The child is exited (through playing or sugar intake)
- The child is bored
The why is absolute key to resolving the problem and coming to a solution that is suitable and proportionate for the situation. A child can become difficult to control because he or she is tired, it can also be that the child is hungry, I know that I get grumpy when I'm hungry, tired or thirsty, that's for certain! In this case you can't blame the child, so don't punish them for something that isn't their fault.
If you play with the child shortly before bedtime and get their heart racing or if you give them a sugary drink, don't expect them to be calm when you want them to.
Off course a child should still be told to behave, regardless of the situation. When you're shopping and the child kicks-off because it's hungry or bored, don't be afraid to tell it off or raise your voice. My wife always gets ashamed when this happens and is afraid of what other people think of her when they're misbehaving in public or when she has to be strict with them in public. I then say, they're just jealous because you have the guts to do it in public and you have to follow the line you set.
What can you do when you're away from home and can't put them on the naughty-step/in the corner, etc.?
First of all you go through the normal steps that I listed in my first post with the addition that you can still tell them that when you get home they receive their normal punishment. If you don't want to delay the punishment, because it's either too long away, or the child is really misbehaving then you can also put them in a corner where you currently are. I've done that particularly in restaurants, in supermarkets it becomes a bit more difficult.
Also when you get home and they've listened to you or they have behaved nicely, reward them for their good behaviour. It is as important to punish bad behaviour as to reward good behaviour.
Consistency is key 😉
Consistency
The key to all this is consistency. If you've drawn a line with your partner, make sure that you both ensure that it is maintained. If you forget to follow through or let it slip once, you create confusion with the child and you make it easy for yourself to let it slip again. If you want discipline, you also have to be disciplined in its enforcement.
Thank you
I hope you considered this post useful and interesting. Feel free to share your experiences with me either below or on discord (wolfje#6587). If you want to read my previous posts on What makes a good parent?', here are the links:
What is a sign that you're doing it well?
Thanks,
Doron