It is an unfortunate fact of our history
Even of many relationships in the modern day – that what often passes for love between two people is actually more of a bargain. People enter into a kind of contract with the underlying assumption (either explicit or unspoken) that certain expectations will be fulfilled. In certain older civilizations, particularly feudal ones, women often either had no say in their own marriages or else they married purely for reasons of security. The question of “love” rarely even entered into the picture. Nowadays the situation is much freer, and yet the question often still remains: Are people together because they feel unconditional love for each other, or are they thinking primarily of getting their own needs met?
If we’re seeking intimacy because we believe that only a relationship will make us happy then we’re already in a bit of trouble. We’re grasping out of a sense of incompleteness. This is very different from feeling fulfilled within ourselves and then wanting to share ourselves with someone else. The first approach constitutes a search for a partnership that is more akin to a bargain. The second opens up the possibility of experiencing love without attachment.
When we love unconditionally we want what’s best for the person we love regardless of whether or not their fulfillment will in turn fulfill our desires. There is no tradeoff involved. We give freely because we want to. Unconditional love doesn’t keep score; it doesn’t ask, “What have you done for me lately?” By the same token, however, if we love ourselves unconditionally then we won’t give of ourselves to people from whom nothing ever comes in return. We respect ourselves enough to give our love where it is welcomed.
This is why we have to love and accept ourselves before we can truly love someone else. If we don’t then our efforts to pursue intimacy will all really represent an attempt to draw from someone else what we are lacking within ourselves. This is the essence of what’s referred to as co-dependency. It is clinging to another in order to feel safe, to avoid feeling one’s pain, to satisfy desires, etc. It is a very conditional form of love, if it can even be considered love at all.
Love without attachment is possible when we know how to fulfill ourselves outside of a relationship. When we can do this, we may still hope that others will love us in return but we don’t need them to do so in order to feel ok about ourselves. Nor do we need to keep score or constantly ask ourselves what we’re receiving in return for our efforts. Loving without attachment means that giving to another makes us happy in and of itself. There’s no other payoff expected for the gesture. There are many people involved in relationships like that, though they may have had to go through some growing and healing within themselves before they were able to love so unconditionally.
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This post was inspired by @lifeisawesome